Supporting family and friends

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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

All discussions

D_D Am I a bad friend
  • replies: 7

My closest friend has just blocked me. Friends for 19 years. Every time she’d run away from partners she'd come to my house. She's always starting a new job or leaving one. She is in a different country every other week. She doesn't talk to her mum (... View more

My closest friend has just blocked me. Friends for 19 years. Every time she’d run away from partners she'd come to my house. She's always starting a new job or leaving one. She is in a different country every other week. She doesn't talk to her mum (who I am very close with). She has such a dramatic life. Always running from people. Always smashing windows of partners and scratching up cars. She has come to live with my husband and I more times that I can count. She comes for 3 months at a time and then is off again with someone new in a new country. Fast forward to this week. She messaged me saying she tried to end her life whilst on vacation. (Not the first time this has happened). Ofcourse i was in total shock again. Tried to call her. She would only talk via text. We spoke about why she had done it and she said she was drunk. She was seeking help and making some decisions. I tried to arrange to go see her but she was tired. We said tomorrow (Wednesday) we'd go out for sushi at our usual place. Unfortunately my son had bad conjunctivitis and I was told to not take him outdoors due to the drops in his eyes. I got so caught up in trying to see her that I had forgot about his eyes. I messaged and told her and asked if she would come here for lunch instead. She didn't want too. That's fine. I said I would come to hers when my husband got home and could mind my son. She said ok but then messaged to say she was going to speak with a specialist and couldn't meet. Thuraday was my birthday and we have a kitchen being renovated on Friday so I had to run around picking up the benchtop and sink. I asked if she wanted to come with me. She said no. by the time I got home she was in another appointment. Friday i had the kitchen work done and to be honest - I didn't even think of her. She sends me a text Friday afternoon stating she was cutting ties with me as I had not come seen her when she needed me. I tried to reply but she blocked me.

Squishy13 Any support groups in Vic?
  • replies: 4

I've posted on this forum a couple of times but don't seem to get much feedback. I am feeling increasingly isolated and in despair in my relationship with my partner of nearly 6 years who has depression. I wish I could find someone who can relate to ... View more

I've posted on this forum a couple of times but don't seem to get much feedback. I am feeling increasingly isolated and in despair in my relationship with my partner of nearly 6 years who has depression. I wish I could find someone who can relate to me, but I haven't yet. Does anyone know if there are support groups in Victoria that are for people supporting others through their mental health struggles? In person is preferable. I'm regional Vic which makes a bit tricky, but I'm getting a little desperate. Life is pretty tough right now.

Violet12 Cancelled my weekend trip at last minute when bf broke down and cried. Was this the "right" choice?
  • replies: 4

Basically I'd planned to go away this weekend to visit my family. My bf has had depression for a few years, with bad episodes lasting a few weeks or even months, and then good periods of about the same length. For the past 2 weeks or so I've noticed ... View more

Basically I'd planned to go away this weekend to visit my family. My bf has had depression for a few years, with bad episodes lasting a few weeks or even months, and then good periods of about the same length. For the past 2 weeks or so I've noticed him declining. In the past 2 days leading up to my trip I've asked him if he's ok with me going away and he said he was, that it'd be good for me, and that he'd miss me but he'd be fine. Well this morning I was getting my stuff together to leave, and I could tell it was not a good day for him - he was in bed with a pillow over his face, responding in mumbles and quiet grunts to any conversation. I finally ordered an uber and sat on the bed to say goodbye, and he broke down and started to cry. He said he was sorry to say it but he was surprised and a bit hurt that I'd still leave when he's at such a low and vulnerable point. He immediately then said he didn't want to be a burden and that I should still go, but he was still crying. So.. I cancelled the uber that was right outside, told my family the truth about why I couldn't come after all, and then hugged my bf. He cried for a while, said he was sorry and embarrassed, and eventually fell back asleep. My family took it mostly ok - one of them was very understanding, one was disappointed and felt sorry and worried for me, and one said I was enabling my bf but staying. I don't know - it felt like the right choice in the moment, I mean he was sobbing and I haven't seen him cry since his last bad episode. Of course I wish I could go, I miss my family, and I hate that I've disappointed them and possibly ruined their weekend. But I also feel I should be kind to myself here and recognise that it's a difficult situation I didn't ask for and am handling as best I can without a guidebook. I have only cancelled a trip or work for him a few times since we've been together and we've been together 10 years, so it's not a frequent thing. But when he's this low, I just don't know if it would be right to leave. Any thoughts? Do you think I definitely should have gone? Would you have?

Pennywise Depressed Partner wants space
  • replies: 6

I have been with my partner for 8 yrs now and he's had depression and anxiety before i even met him. He also has chronic lower back pain. Hes been struggling the last two months, maybe longer as hes good at hiding it. Hes not a talker. I myself recen... View more

I have been with my partner for 8 yrs now and he's had depression and anxiety before i even met him. He also has chronic lower back pain. Hes been struggling the last two months, maybe longer as hes good at hiding it. Hes not a talker. I myself recently have been dealing with anxiety issues. But i am totally confused and frustrated. I try having long talks with him so i can get an idea of whats going on inside his head and every time i think we're on the same page he spirals back again. His MO lately is to shut everyone out by running away. By which i mean he'll stay at a friends house overnight. He said he needs space but im worried that hes shut me out. He wont talk to a therapist as hes done that all his life and said it doesn't help him. His idea of helping himself (before he was in a relationship) was to pretty much lock himself in a room at his mums until he got better. I keep telling him he's not alone anymore and he doesnt have to deal with it himself but I dont feel anything i say is being heard. Any advice?Fyi im seeing a psychologist.

Lisathecat Daughters suicide attempt
  • replies: 1

How do I cope with this for the 2nd time. It's mentally exhausting. I am in my 60s and alone. I live 3hrs from where she lives. I need some tips on how to talk/deal with her issues. She has bipolar, borderline personality disorder, pyzophrenia. She q... View more

How do I cope with this for the 2nd time. It's mentally exhausting. I am in my 60s and alone. I live 3hrs from where she lives. I need some tips on how to talk/deal with her issues. She has bipolar, borderline personality disorder, pyzophrenia. She quit her job and her house is filthy. I try to help as much as i can, but it is affecting my own mental health

natalie_j Suspect my boyfriend is having psychosis
  • replies: 2

Me (23F) and my partner (26M) have been together just over a year. Everything is great and we’re in a healthy relationship. He has a history of depression and it comes in waves. This time around it is more severe and has shown it’s self in a differen... View more

Me (23F) and my partner (26M) have been together just over a year. Everything is great and we’re in a healthy relationship. He has a history of depression and it comes in waves. This time around it is more severe and has shown it’s self in a different form. He has been rambling on for days about things that just make no sense. All day at work he texts me paragraphs about how our life is going to change and we’re going to fix everything. My main concerns is.. in my parents house I was sexually assaulted by a non relative. My boyfriend knows about this. Also in my parents house there has been some unexplained ghostly things happening. He is now convinced that the ‘energy’ is protecting us and was just scaring me so I’d get out of the house. I get that people have different beliefs. We’re generally on the same page with this type of stuff. Be he will sit there for hours non stop talking about how this energy has shown him and spoken to him not in words and that thee energy is helping us achieve our goals and that I need to not be scared anymore because the energy knows what is best for us and we just need to do what it asks of us. I have no idea what has braught this one. He has never been into conspiracy theories or anything. I should also add my partner is not sleeping. He’s awake all night and goes to sleep for about 2-3 hours at 6am when I get up for work. I know sleep deprivation can cause a lot of things like this. But he had a long sleep today finally and woke up with stronger beliefs than ever. Saying all he’s been dreaming about is that energy and that he’s seen it not with his eyes but with other things. I’m really worried as he has never ever acted like this. I’m at a loss on what to do. He constantly says I’m not crazy. I asked if he was on drugs as that was the only thing I could think of that would make him so erratic. I can’t get him to a doctor as he believes doctors are no good and they never wants to help their patients they onlywant money.

Bookgirl Eating disorder in son
  • replies: 1

My teenage son was hospitalised and diagnosed with anorexia over Xmas. Although he is getting good treatment and support I am feeling totally overwhelmed at times with trying to keep up with meal plans and work and monitoring him 24x7. They tell us i... View more

My teenage son was hospitalised and diagnosed with anorexia over Xmas. Although he is getting good treatment and support I am feeling totally overwhelmed at times with trying to keep up with meal plans and work and monitoring him 24x7. They tell us it takes years to recover and I am so sad for him and can't help feel I am not doing enough to help. I wanted to cry when I saw him exercising a lot today. I just feel some days that I don't want to get up to deal with it.

colour_1234 Is this depression? What do I do with myself while it's going on?
  • replies: 4

I think my husband has suffered from some form of depression on and off for many years (we've been together over 20). I'm not sure because he disagrees and won't seek help. He thinks that he can't have depression because there's nothing wrong with hi... View more

I think my husband has suffered from some form of depression on and off for many years (we've been together over 20). I'm not sure because he disagrees and won't seek help. He thinks that he can't have depression because there's nothing wrong with his life, he has a family, decent job, house and reasonable health so can't have depression right?We have lots of time where everything seems fine and we make plans and rub along well. We love each other. But then he has phases of feeling like the whole world is against him/everything is going wrong and nothing he does is right. Sometimes I can see the basis of how he's feeling but he seems to take it harder than others might (which he considers a fault in himself).Then sometimes there might be a bit of a build-up and something will trigger what I think of as an 'attack' of depression. We might have an argument or I do something insensitive and it upsets him. When this happens he will kind of shutdown, stay in his room or study, not speak much and refuse to speak at all if it's me that has upset him. He won't eat or drink and does nothing. When we talk about it afterwards he describes a feeling so dark and bleak it is scary -- that there is no point in life, he has nothing to hope for, he is worthless and we are all going to die in the end anyway. It is so awful and I feel so sad for him and worried. It sounds like he has thoughts like this a lot, even when I think he is fine and is just masking it the rest of the time. Although he does make plans and seem to enjoy my company when he is not in the midst of an "attack" so I guess it is less bad at these times?I really struggle with what to do with myself during these periods. I usually try to pop in and out a few times, apologising profusely if I've upset him or just reminding him that I love him if it's something else. From what I read maybe I shouldn't do this but I really struggle during this time and sometimes feel quite uncontrollably desperate to do something to help. It's really hard. I'm a talker so I just talk at him sometimes hoping to break through. Eventually he will usually melt and open up and talk. I'm not sure what would happen if I just left him to it, I've never been able to completely just leave him alone for more than say 12 hours.

icarus666 helping adult son suffering OCD
  • replies: 12

Hi, My wife and i are out our wits end in coping with our son who suffers with OCD.Its been going on now for around 18 months and is showing no signs of easing. At the very beginning he was admitted to hospital and diagnosed with OCD and anxiety. He ... View more

Hi, My wife and i are out our wits end in coping with our son who suffers with OCD.Its been going on now for around 18 months and is showing no signs of easing. At the very beginning he was admitted to hospital and diagnosed with OCD and anxiety. He will phone 30 or 40 times a day, crying, saying he cant cope with the thoughts. He cant seem to get any help from medical professionals and has had multiple visits to different hopitals. He moved out of his own home based on medical advice, but nothing changed, and he still has the same fears of hurting those he loves. We dont really know where to go, or who to turn to to try to get him further help We have spoken to both his psychologist and the hospitals at different times and the say it is all up to him, but he tells us he tries to use the strategies offered, but the thoughts overpower it, and he just goes to the hospital again. recently is was so bad he actually ran out of petrol left his car on the side of the road and walked to a hospital. To date he has never hurt anyone or acted on his thoughts, which seems to be why the hospitals just turn him away. What can we do as parents, to try to help him understand that all these professionals cant be wrong, and he is not a danger to anyone. Thanks

thatgirl Husband with Borderline Personality Disorder, struggling to cope with it anymore
  • replies: 4

I have been with him six years. I feel like I can't keep my head above water anymore. He refuses to get treatment, try counselling, or try at all. I can't keep doing this, but I'm trapped in his web. He's like a 40 year old child, and I'm afraid what... View more

I have been with him six years. I feel like I can't keep my head above water anymore. He refuses to get treatment, try counselling, or try at all. I can't keep doing this, but I'm trapped in his web. He's like a 40 year old child, and I'm afraid what will happen if I leave. Will he hurt himself? Will I feel guilty for the rest of my life? Every time I feel like I have the strength to go, he pulls me back in. I don't love him the way that I'm supposed to anymore. I feel like I am responsible for him twenty four hours a day seven days a week. I can't even leave the house for one day without preparing all of his meals for him first. When we go out in public, I have to be on constant watch to make sure someone doesn't do something to set him off. Something as simple as walking in front of him at the grocery store.I let him gamble all of his money and use my paycheck to support us because it's just easier than fighting with him. I'm so exhausted, I don't have it in me to fight. I'm on autopilot, I can barely function. I do everything he wants or asks even if I hate him for it, simply because it's easier than dealing with his outbursts and the aftermath for three days. I am crushing under the weight of this, and lately, I have actually found myself just fantasizing about what it would be like if I died and was finally free of this burden. I'm not going to hurt myself, but I do think about it, and that's the problem. I think about doing it just to escape, so I don't have to live with the guilt, or the extreme psychological warfare that will ensue. I don't know how to make this better. Every day that passes I actually hate myself more for not being able to make a decision. I hate him too, and I know that sounds bad, but sometimes I really, actually hate him. He has completely destroyed me, but I feel sorry for him. I know it's not completely his fault. I put myself in this situation, so I'm just as much if not more to blame. The crazy thing is, I grew up with a mom with BPD, and lived through hell for fifteen years. And when I finally escaped, I got a breath of fresh air, and put myself right back in the situation with him. Only now it's worse. Because I gave up my entire life to move to this country to be with him, and I'm stuck. I'm isolated and alone here, and I can't talk to my family or friends out of embarrassment. Has anyone else been through this with a BPD? What did you do? How do you make that final decision? How do you separate yourself?