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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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teamwork Help with Communicating with my husband
  • replies: 4

Hi all,my husband left home a year ago saying he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. Long story short, he has had all the signs of burn out and depression for a long time but, insists there’s nothing wrong with him. He does not want to get help or ... View more

Hi all,my husband left home a year ago saying he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. Long story short, he has had all the signs of burn out and depression for a long time but, insists there’s nothing wrong with him. He does not want to get help or talk to anybody about his anger outbursts. He’s taken to alcohol as well, he was an occasional beer drinker. It’s been a really tough year for me. Trying to move forward managing my emotions and also supporting our 3 young children while working full time. My husband and I see each other quite often, when he visits and spends time the kids. lately I have noticed when I talk to him in general about his well-being, work etc - his responses are negative. It’s like he only thinks about things negatively rather than looking at things from another perspective. I sense he has issues with trust as well like he trusts nobody. He often says people don’t really care about you, they only reach out to tick a box of their list because they think they care but really don’t. His communication is very hot and cold. Some days he will text or call but, other days when I text him - I don’t hear from him all day. It does worry me sometimes because I keep thinking the worst. He is the most caring person and some days I can see how much he cares about me in his actions. He’s isolated himself from friends and family. He buries himself in work a lot! I guess I just want to know how best to support him on his hard days especially since he visits home 3-4 times a week and spends time here with our children. For a long time I have suspected he has depression and I want to be there for him and don’t want him to think I have given up on him even though I have chosen move forward with my life with our children after he decided to leave home. any advice is appreciated.

MissG999 Frustrated and here to vent a bit
  • replies: 1

Hi, I'm back after a long whileMy partner and I have been together for over 10 years. He has long-term depression and anxiety, needs to be coaxed into even minimal treatment and is in one of his worse phases at the moment.I haven't gotten a full nigh... View more

Hi, I'm back after a long whileMy partner and I have been together for over 10 years. He has long-term depression and anxiety, needs to be coaxed into even minimal treatment and is in one of his worse phases at the moment.I haven't gotten a full nights rest the last 2 days because he can't sleep and keeps waking me up, so I'm feeling crabby and wanted to make a post so I can be less emotional with him today. He always gets less considerate toward me and also more resistant to treatment or general healthy lifestyle practises when his condition is poor. I have a pretty major chronic illness that needs a lot of management myself, so I understand that being unwell can drain you of the energy needed to care for yourself. Despite that, it's so hard, sad and frustrating to see him do little or nothing when there's so much he could do to make things easier on both of us.The only treatment he's on at the moment is melatonin for sleep and a psychiatrist appointment once every 2-3 months. I should be glad he's at least doing that at least, but I suspect he hasn't/isn't telling his doctor about these down periods and how much they affect him. I don't want him to see months of much lower mood and level of functioning as his normal.Sorry for the wordinessIt's a big help knowing this forum is always here and I'm not aloneGM

Ashii Sibling starts to spiral whenever I spend time with them
  • replies: 1

My sibling is diagnosed with CPTSD, anxiety and depression. It’s been an ongoing situation where they spiral into the same really traumatic and negative topics that usually result in talking about ending their life.This can go on for hours and they g... View more

My sibling is diagnosed with CPTSD, anxiety and depression. It’s been an ongoing situation where they spiral into the same really traumatic and negative topics that usually result in talking about ending their life.This can go on for hours and they get very aggressive when I don’t engage (or engage the way they want me to) or when I try and move away from the conversation to stop the spiral. Unfortunately, yelling is a major trigger for my own traumatic reactions and yelling is a theme of these conversations. I have tried everything I can, but the conversation usually ends up in my sibling being super defensive and even more aggressive. Is there any advice from people who have been in similar situations?

KaBluey My wife is slowly dying
  • replies: 1

My wife of 30+ years is a long-term transplant recipient, even though the transplant has been a success and has given her many extra years of life there have been many steps down in her health every couple of years, now in her 50's the antirejection ... View more

My wife of 30+ years is a long-term transplant recipient, even though the transplant has been a success and has given her many extra years of life there have been many steps down in her health every couple of years, now in her 50's the antirejection meds have taken their toll and she now struggles to stay awake for a full day or stay asleep for a full night and has no energy to do much at all, the steroids she's on are making her skin so thin it breaks with minor bumps, she has almost died twice in the last couple years due to some health complications so after the family has dealt with this they now tend to stay away which of course adds to her depression and my stress.At the moment not sure what I'm asking here but maybe there's some good advice out there.

discordant_eris Friend with suicidal ideation does not want support
  • replies: 2

Last year, in April, a dear friend of mine (I will call them X) suddenly stopped talking to me and started ignoring everyone. After I sent increasingly worried messages, X assured me they were fine and I had done nothing wrong, but then made little c... View more

Last year, in April, a dear friend of mine (I will call them X) suddenly stopped talking to me and started ignoring everyone. After I sent increasingly worried messages, X assured me they were fine and I had done nothing wrong, but then made little contact with myself or any other mutual friends we have (X is a high school friend of mine - I did not see them often in person any more due to university). I did my best to check in with X periodically, but rarely received responses. Fast forward to January of this year, another friend of mine (I will call them Y) and myself received a message from X revealing that the reason they went silent was because they had been having suicidal thoughts. X then proceeded to demand that we do not tell anyone under any circumstances, or it would push them somewhere darker. One of the first things online suicide prevention websites say to do is directly ask if the person is suicidal, so I did: X said yes. X also said they had no plan yet, but their mind was defaulting more and more to the thought of it. X also told me their parents do not know, and they do not plan on seeking any support from parents, other family, friends or mental health professionals. X also refuses to see, call, or message myself or Y - apparently we are the only 2 people X has told, which terrifies me. Since then, I have been at a loss over what to do. I have talked to my psychologist and Lifeline, read multiple suicide prevention blogs, and reached out to friends and family for advice. I don't know if I should tell X's parents, or breach the boundary they clearly set when they said they did not want to talk or meet - I know that, if I do, it will likely shut down whatever hope of communication Y and I have with X since they may see it as betrayal. I don't know what risk factors are behind X's suicidal thoughts, or how long X has had to bear this burden. X also quickly shut me down when I tried to ask further questions. I have been sending messages to check in, but I have received no responses beyond X messaging me 'thanks' after I sent them a list of hotlines and resources I received from a Lifeline counsellor in January. I truly don't know what to do. I have no way of knowing if X is okay. I just want to support my friend. Does anyone have any advice about what I should do, or any personal insight?

white knight REDUCED MENTAL CAPACITY- your tips
  • replies: 2

Those that have had long term treatment in the form of medication from illnesses like depression, anxiety, stress, PTSD and many others, could experience less capacity to process their thinking. I’m now 67yo and due to mania, anxiety, bipolar and oth... View more

Those that have had long term treatment in the form of medication from illnesses like depression, anxiety, stress, PTSD and many others, could experience less capacity to process their thinking. I’m now 67yo and due to mania, anxiety, bipolar and other issues, basically lived 3 lifetimes in one, it was packed with activity only a person with mania would cover. My early life had stress from family issues, financial stress, relationship problems and poor choices of employment like prison warder and crowd control. I commenced medication at 53yo. Although I’m positive I know my memory and thinking ability has declined. For me there is no better example of this than trying to remember which bank account to withdraw money from or explaining to someone from the bank or Centrelink, the issue I have. For these reasons my wife, my carer, is magnificent. However, what if I was alone? How many of you suffer alone with these issues daily? I have made some changes to help myself. Eg hang up and ring these people at 8:29am or just before they open. Write on my ATM card which account to access. Keep a notebook with me (but I’m likely to forget the biro!.) So what tips do you have to assist me and the members that will help us with life’s daily living?TonyWK

Violet12 Struggling with anxiety that comes with signs of another spiral (husband's depression)
  • replies: 1

He's gone to bed and it's midday. After giving only mumbled replies to me this morning. I know he's feeling low. He's been feeling low for a while, having had depression for over a year, but he hasn't seemed to be in a full episode for months. Yester... View more

He's gone to bed and it's midday. After giving only mumbled replies to me this morning. I know he's feeling low. He's been feeling low for a while, having had depression for over a year, but he hasn't seemed to be in a full episode for months. Yesterday he was dancing, singing, playing music, being goofy. For the past few weeks he's been generally productive and positive. I know he has self esteem issues, I know he is frustrated by how he's limited and I know he wishes he was different in a lot of ways. I know that all weighs on him. But he's been seeming like he's doing well recently. Then suddenly there's a day like today, and it sends my body into a tense, sore, sick, near panic that lasts hours. The signs - no eye contact, devastated slack expression, mumbled rare speaking, bed in the day time - freak me out so viscerally. Because there's no way of knowing if this is a bad day and he'll feel better tomorrow, or if it's going to linger for weeks or months again. I just don't want to go through that again right now. Sure it is selfish to say that. To say any of this. But its true, it's how I feel. I was so burned out last time, I could hardly work or study, my sleep was awful, I felt teary, and i felt terrified all the time that he'd give up permanently. He's on meds. There's no therapy we can afford that's available, not for at least another month. Trust me when I say I've tried everything. Suggesting things just makes him irritated and he says is invalidating and isolating. Not saying anything seems to be the best option, and just holding him or his hand while he stares into the abyss. This wreaks havoc on my nervous system, as does hearing him vent about how worthless he is and how he'll never feel better. But I can't challenge him on that, it just makes him angry and back away further. Feels like a rock and hard place, and I feel a bit like the walls are closing in and that's where I'm headed. I pray I'm wrong, and it's just a bad day.

Dalailama anyone here have any experiences with a spouse that has ocpd or may have ocpd
  • replies: 11

Having had major issues with my wife over the last 15 years approx, been together 25 years first 10 blissful and close. until first baby arrived,. Its now near the end, for several years i have decided i have had enough. but put it off for the kids. ... View more

Having had major issues with my wife over the last 15 years approx, been together 25 years first 10 blissful and close. until first baby arrived,. Its now near the end, for several years i have decided i have had enough. but put it off for the kids. Then somehow i came across ocpd. ocpd fits like a glove on what i perceive to be the the problem with my wife. To me its crystal clear. Is there someone who has had there spouse diagnosed that can help me is some discussion. Shes a tuff one.

Lisathecat Worried mum post suicide attempt by daughter
  • replies: 1

Hi I am asking for advice as to the best way to support my daughter post suicide attempt. Do I just support her and best way to cope myself?

Hi I am asking for advice as to the best way to support my daughter post suicide attempt. Do I just support her and best way to cope myself?

Crookedhearts Scared mum of suicidal teen
  • replies: 3

My almost 17 year old son disclosed to his school teacher today that he is self harming, suicidal and has a plan. The school phoned to let me know and are referring him to their counsellor, but I'm now terrified to leave him alone. He works and plays... View more

My almost 17 year old son disclosed to his school teacher today that he is self harming, suicidal and has a plan. The school phoned to let me know and are referring him to their counsellor, but I'm now terrified to leave him alone. He works and plays sports, and unless I stop him from doing these activities I don't know how to keep him safe. It will be weeks before he can see a psychologist. I don't know where to even start in getting him support. Do I lock up all the sharps in the house, hide the medicines etc or is that overreacting? I'm at a loss and I'm terrified.