He's gone to bed and it's midday. After giving only mumbled replies to me this morning. I know he's feeling low. He's been feeling low for a while, having had depression for over a year, but he hasn't seemed to be in a full episode for months. Yesterday he was dancing, singing, playing music, being goofy. For the past few weeks he's been generally productive and positive. I know he has self esteem issues, I know he is frustrated by how he's limited and I know he wishes he was different in a lot of ways. I know that all weighs on him. But he's been seeming like he's doing well recently. Then suddenly there's a day like today, and it sends my body into a tense, sore, sick, near panic that lasts hours. The signs - no eye contact, devastated slack expression, mumbled rare speaking, bed in the day time - freak me out so viscerally. Because there's no way of knowing if this is a bad day and he'll feel better tomorrow, or if it's going to linger for weeks or months again. I just don't want to go through that again right now. Sure it is selfish to say that. To say any of this. But its true, it's how I feel. I was so burned out last time, I could hardly work or study, my sleep was awful, I felt teary, and i felt terrified all the time that he'd give up permanently.
He's on meds. There's no therapy we can afford that's available, not for at least another month. Trust me when I say I've tried everything. Suggesting things just makes him irritated and he says is invalidating and isolating. Not saying anything seems to be the best option, and just holding him or his hand while he stares into the abyss. This wreaks havoc on my nervous system, as does hearing him vent about how worthless he is and how he'll never feel better. But I can't challenge him on that, it just makes him angry and back away further.
Feels like a rock and hard place, and I feel a bit like the walls are closing in and that's where I'm headed. I pray I'm wrong, and it's just a bad day.
