Another Newbie to the Beyond Blue Community

[Carer07]

Hi All,

I have been reading a couple threads and have seen some positive and supportive responses (I had no doubts as to expect this).

A little about my situation: I have been helping in supporting my mother whom suffers major depression (for 35+ years), over the couple years I have been trying to support my mum in developing her self-worth and encouraging her to want to care for her health & wellbeing and to want to find enjoyment in life as she often feels she has nothing worth living for. She has extremely low self-esteem, confidence, consideration of herself, and has suicidal thoughts (although swears that she would not commit suicide after two of my cousins doing so). She struggles to function in every day life, unable to manage her finances well, physical self-care, house maintenance etc.

My mum has just had a support plan approved by NDIS, which I am excited about. I am still worried however of my mother's struggle to commit to change as this has been very difficult when trying to help her establish good habits that'll make her life easier. The fact that she has come to the point where she doesn't want to feel miserable every day is amazing but it is very difficult helping to support her from that to her taking the actions to change and to keep moving forward.

I have older siblings that help to support her as well although, as they have more (unsuccessful) experience with trying to help mum in the past they do not hold much expectation or hope/belief that she will make anything really better of herself other than just function. I have found it difficult to stay positive and hopeful for mum against this stark view which may be realistic of the situation but, nevertheless depressing (and that they think me being naive and having too high an expectation). I believe that like anyone else, my mum deserves to enjoy her life and it's never too late for that and I want to support and encourage this.

I hope to be able to connect with others and be able to share these kind of experiences/feelings to help lessen the sense of loneliness, helplessness and days (like today) when I am low on hope that mum wants to change enough to commit.

Thanks for reading, I look forward to hearing from you.

[james1]

Hello carer07,

Welcome to the forums. I'm glad you've had some positive experiences with the forums already.

I have not personally had to provide that level of care for someone and I'm very...I am not sure of the word, but I think you are doing an amazing thing by continuing to be there for your mother.

Perhaps the only thing I can really add is that maybe there's a balance between your siblings'pessimism and also having really high expectations. I think when it comes to mental health, it is good to be realistic but positive. I do not think that depression ever really goes away. We can lead a perfectly happy life, but I think depression kind of sits in the back rather than goes away entirely. This is not a bad thing at all because over time we just learn how to deal with it more effectively, and we may not need to rely on others as much.

So for you, perhaps it's worthwhile remembering that you are not responsible for your mother's happiness. It is wonderful that you are there for her and I have no doubt she has really needed you in the past, and may well need you now and in the near future. But your happiness is also important and I really hope you can find happiness outside of your mother's happiness. It is really hard to have that distance from your own family, but being a carer can be so mentally draining. Having something else to bring you back up on those low days can be really good for both you and your mother. Is there anything you have to help you?

James

[Doolhof]

Hi Carer07,

Thanks so much for sharing your story, and that of your Mum's with us.

My Mum suffers from depression and other mental health issues as do I. For many years I have had difficulty feeling like I am close to my Mum in any way. I have loved her dearly from a distance. I don't know that my Mum has acknowledged she has a few issues.

The last few years Mum has been involved with a craft group and it has changed her immensely.

Is there a group of some kind your Mum could join? Are there volunteers who might be able to take her out for a drive and a coffee regularly? Some Churches and other groups have volunteers who can do this.

Does the local library hole any events your Mum may be interested in?

It is wonderful you love and care for your Mum so much. Like James mentioned, your happiness is important also. Finding the right balance can be difficult.

Wishing you and your Mum all the best! Cheers from Dools

[blondguy]

Hi Carer07

Id like to join James and Doolhof in welcoming you to the forums. Thank-you for the kind comment too!

Like yourself I also hope your mum does commit to the NDIS program. My condolences for the loss of your cousins Carer07...

Can I ask about any counseling/therapy your mum is/has been having and the frequency? (Just so we can provide more effective support). I was diagnosed with clinical depression 23 years ago and even in recovery it can be a rocky road as its also my 23 year on anti-depressants which I am okay with as they have given me a solid platform which I can use in conjunction with counseling to have some peace in my life

My sister and I are going through the same situation with our mum Carer07 and yes its a painful place to be in

You are not alone...I really hope you can post back when its convenient for you

my kind thoughts for you....and your mum too

Paul

[Carer07]

Hi James1,
I appreciate your comments. I also agree that depression never fully goes away, and that for the most part it comes down to how we are able to deal with it and grow more [than it]. I was struggling with depression some years ago and through a lot of self-development and choosing to be honest to myself did I make it to where I am now.

“…you are not responsible for your mother's happiness.” Is not the first time I've heard this. I know it's true, but I find I still struggle with accepting that I cannot make my mother happy. I believe this conditioning(?) has been a part of me since I was very young as my earliest memories as a child were of being empathetic and having this too-mature understanding and knowledge of my mother’s unhappiness that I would attempt to console her.

I have learnt to be okay with taking steps back when I become am feeling drained in which I may go a couple days without talking to her. I am still working out how to balance the carer/student role. I am seeing a psychologist which has been going alright. My partner is very supportive of me, and he has a similar experience with one of his parents having a mental illness (bipolar) and I feel comfortable to talkto him about mum's situation in which he offers advice but most of the time, I find my siblings and I have already implemented his advice and it hasn't made much (or any) difference.

I'm a creative person and love reading, love painting etc. but have been finding it difficult to get a flare going to create anything substantial for a while. I admit this is because I have denied myself of doing them, thinking once I finish studying I can chill out and get into creating something and giving it my all. I have realised this has not helped in the slightest and so have been trying to add them into my days if just a little bit (so far, reading self-development books has been my go to). As my psychologist has pointed out - I am very isolated with studying online, at home alone for pretty much the whole day - I have noticed feeling lonely and so have started with trying to connect socially with groups, a) my course provider's student support group, b) BeyondBlue forums, and c) MeetUp social groups. I am hopeful that through these connections I will feel less lonely, and hopefully even feel more creative. I never quite feel right inside when I am restless, low on motivation or feeling to create.

May I ask what you do to care for your own wellbeing on the low days?

Thanks.

[Carer07]

Hi Doolhof,

That’s great to hear your mother is finding the craft group to be a good support channel.

I have suggested to my mum recently about joining a women’s social group that is held close to her home, in which she was open to the idea (although thinking more for the benefit of a friend from church). As part of her plan with the NDIS she has been allocated 6hrs of community participation – she was very uncomfortable with this as she is far from comfortable at forming new connections and trusting people (she is adamant that she isn’t shy to say hello to people though!), however she did pique up to the idea of possibly finding of a gardening social group she could join.

Before mum’s transition to NDIS, she was seeing a mental health worker (non-clinical psychologist) whom she has found helpful, and she did see a occupational therapist once or twice for coffee/chat although this was suspended due to mum’s lack of commitment to attend meetings. I am expecting that once mum has a support cooridinator allocated, they will be able to assist in finding support activities that could benefit mum. In the meantime, I don’t think I have checked what the library has to offer – I will look into it, thanks!

Thanks and all the best.

[Carer07]

Hi Blondguy (Paul),

Thank you for your thoughts.

Counseling: Mum isn’t actively seeing any counselor/therapists, at the moment – still procrastinating on taking action on a referral. Before her recent transitioning to NDIS she was seeing a non-clinical psychologist every 2-3 weeks where mum mostly just chatted/vented which she had enjoyed enough to continue going. Before this, she would see a clinical psychologist a few times over the space of years – she isn’t very inclined to see a counselor consistently as she doesn’t trust people easily and doesn’t like people to know her business – mostly due her fear of being judged/seen as a failure which is affected by her very low self-esteem and being feeling ashamed of her life choices/lifestyle/not so ideal parenting role model etc.

Medication: She is currently on anti-depressants, and in the past was never keen to take previously prescribed anti-depressants. With her current medication (anti-depressants + other stuff related to cholesterol etc.) she has managed to get in more or less a habit of taking them nearly daily, although she struggles most on her low days where she just doesn’t want to think about anything anymore and may not take them for days.

Along with her depression, my mother is an alcoholic and addicted to smoking – she isn’t truly honest about how much she drinks or smokes as she doesn’t want to disappoint us kids, and she has very little consideration about her own health and has not found an interest to quit before. She is currently trying to quit smoking for the first time, although again commitment is a big issue for her here as she did not want to quit but was given an ultimatum by hospital that they will not do surgery to fix her blocked artery (in her leg) unless she quit.

It means a lot knowing I am not alone in these experiences and able to get feedback from you (all).

Thanks.

[blondguy]

Hi Carer07

Just a note of appreciation for you taking the time to post back to everyone. There is no expectation for you to respond...Im just saying thank-you!

You made an excellent point re counseling..especially where low self worth/esteem is concerned

Of course I cant comment on your mum's status yet I understand about the alcohol and cigarettes as my mum is in the same situation...Mum is nearly 89 years old and her LFT (lung function test) came up perfect even though she smokes 60 full strength cigarettes a day...omg!

My sister and I are in our '50's and the addiction is past the point of no return..unfortunately....

To know that I am not alone on this is a major help for me as well Carer07....I do know its heartbreaking yet there is only so much we can do as our own health/well being is paramount....Easily said..of course

my kind thoughts

Paul

[james1]

Hello carer,

Oh I am quite a creative person too and also sometimes struggle with that spark to do something. Perhaps I can suggest you find a creative thing that is quite bounded in terms of both effort and time. For example, some people really like colouring books but I really enjoy doing puzzles and playing music. I guess I try to find my own things to do like this when I am low, otherwise I try to organise a hike with a friend.

I also joined some meet up groups actually. My favourite one was a board games one because it gave me something to do with other people, but was also not overly social (I'm not the most social person...). What groups are you thinking of joining?

James

[Carer07]

Hi James,

Hikes with friends would be nice, and a good dose of nature! I have actually joined two Meet Up groups myself - one that is aimed in inspiring and championing other creatives, and one focussed on deepening relationship with myself. The first was great! I was surprised how quickly I connected to someone and am looking forward to the next catch up.

I had a deep and meaningful conversation with my partner earlier this week which I was able to express my unhappiness and fears about my family situation. My partner was able to help me understand that my sister's negativity, is not that they have "given up" on my mum but that they have given as much as they can. This is good to be aware of as I can be more understanding and accepting of them.

I hope everyone is well, and would love to hear how you have shown yourself self-love this past week 🙂