Another Newbie to the Beyond Blue Community

[Carer07]

Hi All,

I have been reading a couple threads and have seen some positive and supportive responses (I had no doubts as to expect this).

A little about my situation: I have been helping in supporting my mother whom suffers major depression (for 35+ years), over the couple years I have been trying to support my mum in developing her self-worth and encouraging her to want to care for her health & wellbeing and to want to find enjoyment in life as she often feels she has nothing worth living for. She has extremely low self-esteem, confidence, consideration of herself, and has suicidal thoughts (although swears that she would not commit suicide after two of my cousins doing so). She struggles to function in every day life, unable to manage her finances well, physical self-care, house maintenance etc.

My mum has just had a support plan approved by NDIS, which I am excited about. I am still worried however of my mother's struggle to commit to change as this has been very difficult when trying to help her establish good habits that'll make her life easier. The fact that she has come to the point where she doesn't want to feel miserable every day is amazing but it is very difficult helping to support her from that to her taking the actions to change and to keep moving forward.

I have older siblings that help to support her as well although, as they have more (unsuccessful) experience with trying to help mum in the past they do not hold much expectation or hope/belief that she will make anything really better of herself other than just function. I have found it difficult to stay positive and hopeful for mum against this stark view which may be realistic of the situation but, nevertheless depressing (and that they think me being naive and having too high an expectation). I believe that like anyone else, my mum deserves to enjoy her life and it's never too late for that and I want to support and encourage this.

I hope to be able to connect with others and be able to share these kind of experiences/feelings to help lessen the sense of loneliness, helplessness and days (like today) when I am low on hope that mum wants to change enough to commit.

Thanks for reading, I look forward to hearing from you.

[blondguy]

hey Carer07

thank-you for the kind post above and especially when you mentioned "would love to hear how you have shown yourself self-love this past week :)"

No worries Carer07....I have shown myself TLC by my never ending landscaping/gardening in my yard and getting as much quality sleep as I can which does offset the chronic anxiety 🙂

And taking footage of that serious storm we had in Melbourne Thursday afternoon ....That was a serious event!

My kind thoughts to you and your mum Carer07

Paul

[james1]

Hey carer,

That is nice to hear that you were able to have that conversation with your partner. It can be really wonderful when we have those kinds of conversations.

Self-love...oof it's been a tough week for that while I"ve had a cold, lol. I bought myself a tub of gelato which is pretty significant in my books! haha

James

[Carer07]

Hi All,

I'm pleased you have shown kindness and love to yourselves this past week 🙂

[blondguy]

Hey Carer07

I hope you have too 🙂 Your partner is a legend!!....Your partner mentioned "My partner was able to help me understand that my sister's negativity, is not that they have "given up" on my mum but that they have given as
much as they can

Absolutely spot on Carer07....I am also in a similar situation that your sister is

I hope that you have doing as well as possible

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Carer07]

Hi All,

Yes - my partner is a legend! He has been a very encouraging force in my journey to understanding my emotions over the years we've been together. Best phrase he's given me which I repeat to others: "Your feelings are VALID." no need to apologise for the way I feel, because they are valid, they mean something, they are an expression of something within.

I have been pretty well this week, although I admit I have been feeling a guilty at not being in contact with my mother. For some that no one can confirm - my mother's phone has been disconnected, the thought of speaking to my mum and trying to understand how this has happened (without me contacting her billing company on her behalf) is so frustrating to put in the energy for. I realise that I have used this more as an excuse as to not contacting my mother, although, I could speak to her via my younger siblings whose mobiles I have access to. But, I have taken advantage of the lack of direct contact and the fact that they have all been unwell this past week with gastro or similar as a reason not to 'want to bother them'. It has been a good respite not speaking to my mum, however as I mentioned I do feel some guilt. I would be very surprised if she had managed herself enough to have taken her medication consistently and have felt encouraged enough to have done housework etc.

I realise these aren't my responsibilities, but I cannot help but feel a bit guilty in not making myself available to support mum more. What are you thoughts on this? Can you relate? As always, I want to support mum, but since taking a step back to focus more on my studies, I feel exhausted thinking about speaking to her as it has felt like we're going in circles with me offer suggestions, support and simple strategies but her not committing to the wanting to change her habits or lifestyle.

Separately - I had my first 'women's group' today which was great - another means of socialising to balance the isolation created from studying online, and a way to continue keeping a strong connection to my own self and wellbeing. It was a great event, very small and intimate. I look forward to the next month's session.

How are you guys going this past week? what are you looking forward to over the coming week? and how are your family members doing?

All the best, Tea.

[blondguy]

Hi Tea

I can relate to what you are going through..absolutely....Like yourself I have always been there for my mum yet we also have to care for ourselves too....and yes...I feel guilty about that too when I dont help out when I am exhausted being a carer no matter how much I love my mum....

The same as you Tea....and yes..it hurts...

I know you posted on the 16th Tea.....and Im sorry I missed your post....What happened with your mums phone line? I hope you and your mum are doing okay...

my kindest always

Paul

[Carer07]

Hi Paul,

I'm sorry for leaving such a lengthy time go by without checking in.

How are you doing? I hope you and your mum have been well this past year.

Look forward to hearing from you