Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

Redhuta · ‎10-05-2018

Well I have had a roller coaster 6 months with my depressed husband leaving. I have got a long thread about this however I thought I would start this new one. I did move with my two daughters to a smaller place and he has been spending so much time with us over the last couple of months.We spoke the other night and he wants to come back however he is a bit anxious about things going wrong. I understand his anxiety does make him see things in a much more exaggerated manner in my opinion however I am not pushing him. I did tell him that if things were to go wrong we could simply seperate again? I feel like I dont want to pressure him or even sugar coat things however I am not sure how to support his anxiety. The kids will be ecstatic and he has done a lot of work with his psychologist and he is on a great does of medication. He seems like the old man I married however after 6 months I feel we need to get to know each other again romantically as there has been none of that over the separation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Redhuta · ‎24-07-2018

Just a quick update.

We are doing ok. My husband seems so much at ease these days and I know he feels glad to be home. He is still quite reserved however he has never been an over emotional person anyway so its really not anything new. We went out for a date night the other night and it was nice to chat without the kids. We have still not been intimate however I am not fussed as I have had a few health issue anyway ( I had cancer 11 years ago) so I am really exhausted due to being anemic. We are both really focusing on trying to keep fit. He is really good at helping out and has taken over all his jobs he did before he left( he always helped a lot with housework). Also it nice to have him when the kids are arguing or playing up as that is exausting so he is very supportive and takes over when they are are pushing me to my limits.He is about to start seeing his psychologist and we do take each day as it comes. We are all in a much happier place.

quirkywords · ‎24-07-2018

reputation,

It is wonderful to get your updates and this latest ones is very reassuring and hopefully will give hope to couples struggling .

You have been open to suggestions and worked hard with your medical team and been there for your husband. you both have faced problems but worked through them.

I appreciate the way you have kept in touch and taken us on your journey.

Your children have two parents who enjoy each other’s company and are caring parents.

Thanks again for sharing your experience with others here.

I wish you and your family all the best on this journey.

Quirky

quirkywords · ‎24-07-2018

redhuta,

I thought of something I wanted to ask after I posted.

I wonder after all you have been through what is one piece of advice you would give someone where you were when you wrote your very first post.?

Just thought you would have insights that may help others struggling.

Were there things you would do differently?

Thanks again for your honesty.

Ps in my previous post, auto corect turned Redhuta to reputation in case you were wondering.

Quirky

PamelaR · ‎25-07-2018

Hi Redhuta

I echo Quirky’s words. So good to have you come back and update us all on how you are going. It’s also good things look like they are working for you. Wonderful.

Yes, it would be good if there’s anything you can share to help others in similar situations?

Keep up the great work!

PamelaR

Redhuta · ‎31-07-2018

I have taken a bit of time to really think about the one piece of advice I would give is to step back and give them space. I think as the partner who is supporting and especially as a woman we want to feel we are helping and letting go is not what you think of as helping but it is.
I remember my psychologist years ago telling me that in his opinion he always thought my husband needs 6 months alone to really get the time to deal with his depression. Even now I cannot understand why someone would push away someone they love but now I do understand they need to do it. Its almost like he needed to punish himself to feel better which sounds strange but its what happened. In the middle of the ordeal he would not listen or even want to see reason and if it were not for my psychologist working with me and helping me understand I would not have got through like I did.
I knew it was very important to look after myself and I also knew that regardless I would be okay and sort of came to peace with being apart permanently . I focused on my kids/work and myself and even now I realised how hard it was but I made it. Our relationship is not perfect but no one is. I compromise and so does my husband. He asked for me to understand that if he needs time away to not make him feel bad about that I now I understand and give him that breathing space. I asked for him to never loose his cool around the kids and to continue to take medication and see his psychologist and he agreed. I am sticking to my guns about that as he can get neglectful and I will never let him not take care of his mental health again.

quirkywords · ‎01-08-2018

Redhuta,

Thanks so much for taking to time to think of advice to give for someone going through the same thing as you did.

I think giving space can be hard thing to do as well as have a loved one push you and their family away.

You have learnt a lot and are stronger for it. I appreciate how you were willing to share the ups, and downs, the things that were very difficult and the things that worked well.

You realised you need to look after yourself if you were to help your husband.

It is a long journey and you are still on it.

I feel you are flexible enough to try different things and try things that will help.

Thanks again for you willingness to share your life with others.

Quirky

Redhuta · ‎03-10-2018

Its been quite sometime since I have posted but just a quick update.

We have been back together for about 4 months now. Although we are living in a small apartment ( I signed a 12 month lease) things have been good. My husband has changed therapists and starts next week seeing one more specialised in families which I think will be good for him. There has been a couple of incidents where I know he has maybe felt himself slip into that cycle of anger ( nothing like before we separated) and I can see that conscious attempt to change his behaviour. It means the world to me as I know it will always be a constant battle but he loves me and I truly think he understands how destructive it can be not only to me but also to our children. My second daughter, the one closer to him also started to develop anxiety. I took her to my psychologist who said it was common with children who experience a break up and when parents get back together as its almost like a delayed reaction and a fear of it happening again. She has progressed very well and has learned some great coping strategies. I do find that I am very apprehensive of getting too emotionally close to my husband so as a family its all lovely but as a couple we have a lot of work to do. I am going to see about counseling too as I almost have this wall up so I know I need to work on that. I am weaning off medication as my doctor feels that now my health/iron are all in great shape I don’t need to continue. I agree and the meds were great when all was overwhelming however I now hate the fact I feel very flat. I am usually a vivacious, energetic, outgoing person and the meds almost take that “happy” away from me too. So I look forward to feeling more myself soon.

Anyway that is what is happening at the moment with me. Hope all is well with everyone.

quirkywords · ‎04-10-2018

redhutta,

Thanks for keeping us up to date with what is happening in your life.

I think it is important your husband now understands how his angry moods can affect his family and is consciously trying to change his behaviour and get help.

Also it is good that your 2nd daughter is getting help for her anxiety.

I can understand how you feel it would be a lot of work for you to feel close to your husband again.

I hope the counselling helps and the weaning of the medication goes smoothly with out side effects an sthat you are feeling more yourself soon.

Redhutta, I have always admired your honesty, your insights and your ability to share with others what you have learnt on your journey.

Quirky

Redhuta · ‎12-10-2018

Thanks Quirkywords.

I think the biggest lesson I have learned is that space is key and to trust the advice that professionals give you.

I think its so hard to give someone suffering depression space because instinctively you want to comfort and almost smothered them. I leaned to look after myself and my kids and trust that ultimately things will turn out the way they are suppose too. Setting realistic boundaries is also essential. I found posting in her very comforting and therapeutic when things were very dark so I am grateful for all the support 🙂

quirkywords · ‎12-10-2018

Redhutta,

Thanks for your reply.

It is an important lesson you have learnt to give space to someone with depression and to trust the advice of professionals.

Trusting that things will turn out well, must be so hard when things are not going well.

I am glad that posting here has helped and feel free keep us updated as your posts are helping others in a smiler position.

Quirky