Overseas relative with cancer diagnosis.

[Mr K]

Unfortunately, I learned the other day that my elderly (though not nearly elderly enough) Mother had been diagnosed with cancer and there isn't really anything that can be done.

Apart from dealing with the shock, I now face the prospect of having to explain this to my kids 7 & 11.

I don't have any idea of Mum's time left so I don't know if I should try to visit or what else to do. Mum is literally on the other side of the world.

I'm all over the place, trying to keep busy but when alone, I was so upset I was struggling to breathe properly.

Some people are telling me to take some time off but if I'm alone, which I would be I think I'd just lappse into utter dispair.

I'm so worried about my Mum and my Dad, they are so loving and close. I never think of them as separate people, always together the most loving unit.

K.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Mr K,

Welcome back to the Forums. We’re sorry to hear that you’ve had this news. It may be quite hard to express what you’re feeling, at the moment, but please know you’ve taken a really brave and commendable step in sharing here.

This is obviously an incredibly painful time, and we can hear it's especially difficult having your parents overseas. Please know that you're not alone with this, you can reach the Beyond Blue Support Service at any time, on 1300 22 4636 or online here. They can help you talk this through and will also be able to help you plan what's next so that you have that support in place.

We can hear how much care and love you have for your parents and for your kids. If you'd like some advice or support with talking to them about this, you can ring Parentline, they'll be happy to talk this through. You can find the number for your state listed here: https://kidshelpline.com.au/parents/issues/how-parentline-can-help-you 

We hope you're able to be kind to yourself through this, as you've been so kind in sharing your experience here. You never know how your story might help someone else, so do feel free to share more if you're comfortable to. Thanks Mr K.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[Kezza15]

Hello K, sorry to hear about your mum. My dad passed away a few years back, he was only 58. Liver cancer. As soon as I learnt of his diagnosis, I started researching and researching. I was utterly gutted! everything was a blur, I didn't feel human. I had to be the strong one, out of me and my brother and held back my tears. It is a journey of sadness and heartache. I cannot imagine what your going through being so far away from your mum. If you ever need to talk, I am here and you are not alone.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Mr K

I am very sorry to hear of your mum’s diagnosis and your sadness and pain. I truly understand how you feel.

My mother lived on the other side of the world and she too was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The news was devastating—overwhelming grief and guilt for being so far way when she really needed me.

My first instinct was to hop on a plane, so strong was the pull. But as you know there are many many many considerations involved with travelling such a distance when one has family, parenting, financial and work responsibilities.

I found the lack of access to accurate and independent (from her, as she was highly distressed and sometimes confused) medical information and advice very difficult—as I really needed this to make travel decisions.

Fortunately, my mum had a mobile phone and via speaker phone I was able to “attend” medical appointments with her. I could also rely on other family to keep me in the loop. Is it possible for you to attend her next medical appointment via phone or FaceTime or ask a surrogate to attend in your place? At least this way you will be well informed and hopefully better placed to make decisions.

I can’t lie, telling my children was tough. Give yourself time to think about your words and carefully choose the place and timing. Right or wrong, I waited until I had  a full understanding of the situation and had worked out our travel plans. I discussed all of this with mum in advance and had her consent for the disclosure. She actually didn’t want the kids to immediately know, I think she just wanted “normal” and to wait until we had no choice but to tell them.

This is hard for everyone. Be kind to yourself and believe you will get through it, one step at a time.

Kind thoughts to you 

[geoff]

Hello Mr K, my thoughts are with you because I've just been diagnosed with this disease myself and know how my family/friends are reacting and how they are definitely feeling, and for them, I'm more sorry they have to deal with this, and really understand the pain they have to go through, but all of them have reached out and offered all the support that's possible.

I am trying to encourage them that I certainly appreciate all their love and that I have to deal with this myself, that they have their own families, jobs and future to look after, but to stay in contact with me as much as they want to.

Four weeks ago there was little indication, but unfortunately none of us can foresee the future in this regard, so as much as you love your parents, especially your mother, worrying is not going to help you through this, it's understanding and care that will pull you through.

My deepest sorrow.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Mr K]

Thank you all for your support.

• Sophie_M for the swift reply I needed when I cried out for help.
• Kezza15 for the offer to talk, that means so much at a time when I feel vulnerable and isolated.
• Summer Rose for sharing your own journey and advice, I thank you sincerely.
• Geoff, for your strength and perspective.

As always it is the unknown unknowns that are compounding the distance and any decision to travel.

My ex-wife with whom I share 50/50 care of my children is likely to make any decisions harder as she lacks any empathy and views the care of our children as a contract to be enforced rather than a wonderful privilege.

I can't focus on responding, thank you again to each of you. It helps.

K. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Geoff

 I’m so sorry to learn that you have been diagnosed with cancer. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Kind thoughts to you 

[Mr K]

I've all but lost track of time during these past days/weeks. I'm under immense pressure to travel back to the UK but I'm not any more certain at this time what Mum's prognosis is. The doctors have yet to provide any kind of speculation on her outlook and the uncertainty is terrible. The last time I was physically present with Mum was in June/July this year when she and Dad came back over to visit. We had a wonderful time together and I'm pleased to say I have some very treasured photos of all of us including some, where the absolute joy on Mum and Dad's faces is just so natural. Is it selfish of me to not drop all and rush back over?

• I'm scared I'd have to come back to my responsibilities here before her passing which would be hard.
• I'm scared I wouldn't have the option to go back again to help my Dad with the funeral and other help he will need.
• I'm scared saying goodbye to Mum will send her into a downward cycle
• I'm scared I'll regret not going as well
• I'm just scared I'm losing my Mum and I'm scared about being able to support Dad.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Mr K

 I really feel for you. I’m so sorry you find yourself in this horrible space. Anyone would feel scared. I know I did.

From your post, it seems clear that your parents need you home. But you need to also consider what you can handle and what is best for you.

I would ask yourself two questions. This is tough but I ask it with purpose: Do you need to see your mum one last time? Consider if there may be things you need to say or do or ask because this may very well be the last chance you’ll get.
If your gut says “yes” I encourage you not to delay. Even if you book today, it may be a week before you arrive. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

Now ask yourself: are two trips possible? If not, then I’d be really upfront with your Dad before you book. He may be able to help you get back over for the funeral or if work/children are the barrier then you can fly him out to you so you can provide comfort and support.
Funerals can be attended via Zoom and, while it’s not the same, I’ve done it and it’s far better than missing out.

Kind thoughts to you