Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

[Redhuta]

Well I have had a roller coaster 6 months with my depressed husband leaving. I have got a long thread about this however I thought I would start this new one. I did move with my two daughters to a smaller place and he has been spending so much time with us over the last couple of months.We spoke the other night and he wants to come back however he is a bit anxious about things going wrong. I understand his anxiety does make him see things in a much more exaggerated manner in my opinion however I am not pushing him. I did tell him that if things were to go wrong we could simply seperate again? I feel like I dont want to pressure him or even sugar coat things however I am not sure how to support his anxiety. The kids will be ecstatic and he has done a lot of work with his psychologist and he is on a great does of medication. He seems like the old man I married however after 6 months I feel we need to get to know each other again romantically as there has been none of that over the separation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[PamelaR]

Hello Redhuta

I did a quick read of your other thread to see how things have been going for you before responding. I see that Dools, Quirkywords, Croix and Mish plus others have given you a lot of support since the end of last year.

It's good that you've come back to see what we have to say. He certainly sounds like he is working hard to be a good father and partner. At the same time, I understand your hesitance, especially since you've also been going through a difficult time yourself.

To be honest, I would not be rushing into just living together again. I'm not sure what some of your other supporters would have to say, but I'd suggest you try going on a few 'date nights' (just you and him) together. See how these go. Perhaps use these times as an opportunity to discuss / explore your expectations and his expectations if you were to get back together again? I wouldn't rush it. I know it will help your own depression and anxiety to have stability and security. However, I would consider the risks of previous behaviours re-emerging. It's only been 6 months. So giving it a little longer would be my personal preference.

Hope this helps. I'm sure others will pop in to give you their view.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[quirkywords]

Redhutta,

As soon as I read the title of this thread I thought of you .

You have been through a lot in the last 6 months and I have seen you grow in confidence.

I think this is a decision for the two of you, but I too feel not rushing into things just yet maybe a good idea. Would having him stay over from Friday night to Sunday night be feasible? I also like Pamela's idea of a date night as I assume over these last months you have not had a chance to go out out alone or to be together.

It is hard after you have improved because you are anxious that you may one relapse again. Having a support network for you both so if there are any hiccups you can talk then through. Also if he is worried about a particular thing affecting his moving back in going smoothly, you could discuss and work out ways to make it work.

Feel free to keep posting as I always like to hear how you are going.

Quirky

[Redhuta]

Thanks so much Pamela and Quirky.

Great suggestions and we will take it very slowly which is the way we both want to do it. We have clear boundaries that we have clearly discussed and even written down to refer to at a later stage if need be. He really does find Writting an easy way to communicate these things which I have now realised is much more productive.

We are telling our daughters tonight so they will be thrilled especially after such a difficult past 6 months.

I know our relationship will be very different from now on and I hope we are able to find happiness once again.

[PamelaR]

Hi Redhuta

Good on you. Just remember, you are STRONG!!

Come back here if you need support at any time

Kind regards

PamelaR

[quirkywords]

Redhutts

I feel it is kind people like you who have gained strength and information from reaching out and doing everything to make sure you have looked after yourself and others.

I think writing things down is a help and therapy as well as putting words on paper helps sort out ones thoughts.

All the best as you face a new part of your life.

Update us any time you feel like doing so.

Kind thoughts

Quirky

[MishnLinc]

Oh Redhuta, I just logged on and seen your thread and it made me so happy for you. I am glad that you are trying to work it out. We are not there yet, although we are still trying, he is still in his share house but has told me he wants to come home soon. We have a plan in place with his pyschologist but it worries me as we havent had any sort of intimacy at all in 4 months. he has been gone 5 months. Its just hard. I would be taking it slowly as well. We have been talking about him staying in the spare room for now when my husband returns. Its a little way off though.

good luck with everything.

Mish and Linc

[Redhuta]

Thanks Misch and I am hoping that you both can work towards to being together. I think its all about doing what is right for both of you. I think for us its a matter of really communicating and really being open to trying to understand each other’s perspectives. I have learned so much about myself in these last 6 months as I am sure my husband has too.

[Redhuta]

Just a quick update and so far all seems well. My daughters are both seeing my psychologist because I think the separation caused them quite grief and they seem to be almost worried there will be a repeat. My psychologist says it does happen especially with children however I believe in supporting them through this transition. My husband seems much more relaxed and we take things very slowly. No intimacy as we are both still not ready and it does not worry me because its just nice to be a family again at the moment.

[quirkywords]

Redhuta,

Thanks so much for your update. I really appreciate you taking time to let us know what is happening with your family.

It is good your daughters are seeing your psychologist

You are sensible being careful by taking things easy .

I am pleased you are so supportive to everyone and that you can enjoy being a family again.

Quirky