Advice needed - Please ....

[Neil_1]

Dear friends  

I don’t know how to write this – I’ve been thinking on how to do this in the best way – you know, without giving away too much information – um, that’s not making sense.  I’ll try this.

Last year we (my partner and I) knew that our son had self harmed.  Not good as you know, self-harming can lead to life-time memories/scars.  I’ve run this by Beyond Blue and I’m not allowed to mention the where’s and how’s for what he did – but just to say that it’s highly concerning for us.  The school called us and we were able to speak with him – after some time, we found out that he was doing this because he had friends who were in really bad places and were considering the ‘s’ word.  That really shook him up, as he is a deeply caring boy.  

Fast forward to last Tuesday – we were called to his school (a new school by the way) – he was found by some other boys self-harming again.  The same kind of self harm that he was doing last year, only last week, it was a lot more. We met up with the head teacher and also our son (he’s 16yo by the way) – he had bandages where he had self harmed.  

We were both in shock about this – and had no idea that he was doing this – and apparently he’s been doing it for some time (like months and months) and he’s just been very good at hiding it.  The clever little bugga!   Only he's not so little anymore - he's about my height now.

So this was the post I was going to send last week, when Maresy was saying she thought there was something up with me, and I told her back that she has amazing intuition.   But I decided not too, until now – and I do this now, because he’s done it again today! 

He's bandaged again and I’m just gutted!   We’re beside ourselves with worry – he is unable, or won’t tell us why he’s doing this.  There is no anger at all, there is nothing but love and support in this family – he’s told us it’s not what prompted it last year for him.  He has said there’s nothing wrong at his school and that that’s all fine.  

He has said that it’s nothing to do with his home/family life.  (Wow, it sounds like he talks a lot, but that’s not the case – we just gently ask questions and he’ll just say, ‘no it’s not that’.)  

We’re now trying to go through different things for what it might be – because there is something there for him that’s really terrible (he’s suggested as such) but he cannot tell us.  I’ve told him similar stories that I’ve responded to on this site, and where if the person keeps things to themselves, the situation will only get worse.  

He’s been to see a counselor and also a GP - but again, that is something that is in strictest confidence and that nothing said there can be known by us.  

This is ripping us up inside and at the moment, I’m injured in legs and in arms, so cannot go to the gym for my workout sessions – so with everything else that is affecting me mentally, this new thing has just swept over everything else and is like a ‘news alert’ a siren with flashing lights attached and is dominating my mind terribly.  

I know we cannot force him to tell us – and my partner has tried to be with him to see if he’d open up, but all to no avail.  I have tried on a couple of occasions – in fact, only just half an hour ago and I was met with – “I just don’t want to talk about it”. 

I have my own psychologist appointment this Thursday – hey can you guess what might be on the Agenda for that session?

I don’t know what to do.  I really feel helpless.    Any thoughts/suggestions would be so welcome. 

Neil

[Blue_]

Why don't you just ride it out a little Neil? Don't I've in but sometimes it's just hard. Use it as an opportunity to catch up on a favourite tv show or some good movies? Maybe you feel a bit out of control? Be in control of something small like watching what you want on TV stuff? I don't know. I feel like poop too so I don't have any valid advice. I feel like sometimes it better to rest a little because forcing yourself to be happy when you are trying and it's not working just rest as much as you can and be a man of leisure for a bit? 

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

I am jealous of your shoe size. I am a size 11 in womens, 12 in boots. Finding shoes is not an easy process. 

I completely forgot you kept a diary. It always a good mechanism, though I find like you that I just can't write in it when I am struggling. I wrote in one while in hospital but I can never just do it consistently. Consistency is always a problem. 

Awesome idea with those books. 

Don't worry about stewing in your own juices, this is your thread. I have a thread of my own.

Hope you can ride this wave out.

GA

[Struggler]

Hi Neal

What a bummer and your trip is fast approaching.  It aggravates your condition because of the anxiety of worrying about the depression that it might hang around and ruin the holiday.  

Also the burden of worrying that you might ruin it for the whole family, places pressure on you.  You know what? You have a supportive partner and nice children, more than what I have.  It'll be alright by the time you board the plane.  The excitement and happiness will snuff out the depressive mood that could still hang around.  Just go with the flow for now, don't fight it.  
Hope these words help and take care
Struggler

[geoff]

dear Neil, my friend, as you deserve lots of support, but the person who also chipped in is Blue, and as far as I know you are her first, maybe wrong, but it's good sign of improvement for her.

Now I am going to say this with 'my tongue in my cheek', OK you're lost weight by DOG days, as I have said this to you before, it's good effort or is it really.

The change in you has jumped from being mediocre to now down in the hole knocking on the black dog's door.

I think you know what I mean. Geoff.

[Stuck14]

Neil, are you okay? Hope you are alrite.

[Neil_1]

Hi Shay and others

Being honest.   Nahhhh, not really.   I was asked today if by posting here does it affect me after - you know, when I'm off-line.  I thought about it, and no it doesn't really.

What I think about offline is how I can get better.  And it doesn't work.

Neil

[Jo3]

Hey Neil

Thinking of you, I hope you will be okay, I worry about you.

Your friend

Jo

[Mares73]

My precious friend Neil,. I think you are going through the motions of life feeling you are simply existing on autopilot due to the grip of the big black dog. Sadly it has grabbed hold of you & is preventing you from experiencing positive feelings about aspects of your life that are normally managed by you. That empty hollow feeling you have is not helped by only being able to see through dark glasses. The Neil you are & the Neil I know is desperately trying to feel human again-to feel like your living a life again rather than being worn out by the current struggles. You are still with us Neil-you will feel you are living again and you will climb out of the darkness. I know your worried about the holiday & the possible limitations to your & your families enjoyment. But your a fighter my friend & I think the fear of how you are is worse than how you will actually be when you go away. ? You tell me es to break things down-to not think of too far ahead? Can you try & not think past this week? Just aim to get to the end of this week and when those thoughts start coming-say to yourself yes I've been here before, ill just let those thoughts come and go because I know they aren't me. Tell yourself you accept your just existing & going through the motions this week. It's a bad week & you'll get by on autopilot because sometimes we all do. And that emptiness at the core? It too is transient. Write down all the things affecting you ie injuries, being out of routine, having no physical outlet, grieving for your Dad & brother-and grieving for yourself at the pain & sheer grind of this tragic illness. There are always times in life that we are hit by such episodes of grieve & despair-and the timing is always the worst timing. But maybe you need to set aside some time to allow yourself to just be-rather than fighting it. Maybe it's time for a day in bed where you just hide yourself away. Because by holdy day my friend when you get on that plane, it's a new chapter of life & no use worrying about now. You will fly away with the people you love & slowly but surely it's a new beginning in different horizons & you'll be so busy enjoying things that there won't be any rom or attention for that dog. He won't be getting fed so he will run away somewhere else. And if I believe in anything-I believe in you Neil. You are far too strong to be beaten down. Lets just get through each day & slowly heal those physical & emotional scars. I believe in you. I send my love. Maresy xxx

[Neil_1]

Dear Maresy

Isn’t it funny – I provide post after post to others.

You’ve chipped in here and provided me with advice that I give to others and didn’t even think about for myself – and when I was reading, I was thinking, hey, that is good and that does make sense.

And that is to break things down to more manageable levels – think of today and perhaps tomorrow.

And work through things that way – no good thinking too far ahead.

Great advice and thank you.

Neil

[geoff]

dear Mares and Neil, my dear friends, well what a lovely post Mares, and perhaps this is what I have said in my post back to you, to ' think of today and perhaps tomorrow', because going too far ahead we are so uncertain of what will be the outcome.

We can't predict anything, we can assume, but then this leads us to so many conclusions that maybe right or maybe wrong, and with depression it's always the latter, and why wouldn't it be, because the dog makes us feel that way all the time.

And Mares, this is how you should be feeling ' Tell yourself you accept your just existing & going through the motions this week', and this is from the 'horses mouth'. lol L Geoff. x