Advice needed - Please ....

[Neil_1]

Dear friends  

I don’t know how to write this – I’ve been thinking on how to do this in the best way – you know, without giving away too much information – um, that’s not making sense.  I’ll try this.

Last year we (my partner and I) knew that our son had self harmed.  Not good as you know, self-harming can lead to life-time memories/scars.  I’ve run this by Beyond Blue and I’m not allowed to mention the where’s and how’s for what he did – but just to say that it’s highly concerning for us.  The school called us and we were able to speak with him – after some time, we found out that he was doing this because he had friends who were in really bad places and were considering the ‘s’ word.  That really shook him up, as he is a deeply caring boy.  

Fast forward to last Tuesday – we were called to his school (a new school by the way) – he was found by some other boys self-harming again.  The same kind of self harm that he was doing last year, only last week, it was a lot more. We met up with the head teacher and also our son (he’s 16yo by the way) – he had bandages where he had self harmed.  

We were both in shock about this – and had no idea that he was doing this – and apparently he’s been doing it for some time (like months and months) and he’s just been very good at hiding it.  The clever little bugga!   Only he's not so little anymore - he's about my height now.

So this was the post I was going to send last week, when Maresy was saying she thought there was something up with me, and I told her back that she has amazing intuition.   But I decided not too, until now – and I do this now, because he’s done it again today! 

He's bandaged again and I’m just gutted!   We’re beside ourselves with worry – he is unable, or won’t tell us why he’s doing this.  There is no anger at all, there is nothing but love and support in this family – he’s told us it’s not what prompted it last year for him.  He has said there’s nothing wrong at his school and that that’s all fine.  

He has said that it’s nothing to do with his home/family life.  (Wow, it sounds like he talks a lot, but that’s not the case – we just gently ask questions and he’ll just say, ‘no it’s not that’.)  

We’re now trying to go through different things for what it might be – because there is something there for him that’s really terrible (he’s suggested as such) but he cannot tell us.  I’ve told him similar stories that I’ve responded to on this site, and where if the person keeps things to themselves, the situation will only get worse.  

He’s been to see a counselor and also a GP - but again, that is something that is in strictest confidence and that nothing said there can be known by us.  

This is ripping us up inside and at the moment, I’m injured in legs and in arms, so cannot go to the gym for my workout sessions – so with everything else that is affecting me mentally, this new thing has just swept over everything else and is like a ‘news alert’ a siren with flashing lights attached and is dominating my mind terribly.  

I know we cannot force him to tell us – and my partner has tried to be with him to see if he’d open up, but all to no avail.  I have tried on a couple of occasions – in fact, only just half an hour ago and I was met with – “I just don’t want to talk about it”. 

I have my own psychologist appointment this Thursday – hey can you guess what might be on the Agenda for that session?

I don’t know what to do.  I really feel helpless.    Any thoughts/suggestions would be so welcome. 

Neil

[Jo3]

Hi Neil my friend

Just a quick note to say hi and thinking of you.  Hope things are okay with your son and good to hear he is seeing a counsellor.  

Neil, I'm sorry to read about your mum's health.  I really hope you get to have a nice weekend with your partner, son and daughter.  

Pls take care and chat again soon

Jo

[Mares73]

Dearest Neil I have been leaving msgs for you. I woke up wondering how your weekend is going with the home situation. Thankyou so much for replying to my post-I woke up again today out of blue overtaken by darkness of depression. I don't know how to get through these terrible days. They hit me out of nowhere. Anyway your in my heart & thoughts. Lve Mares xxx

[Stuck14]

Hey Neil,

Just wanted to check in an see how your doing? I hope you are doing ok. Also wanted see how your son is going, an hope he is getting there.

[Neil_1]

Dear all

Just an update – at this stage, things seem to be going along “ok” as far as my son is concerned.  We’re monitoring as well as we can, but doing it from a discreet distance – his sleeping patterns are still way off the map.  I’m really amazed at how many people out there struggle with sleep.

I don’t know what else to write.

Neil

[CrashCoyote]

Hello Neil my friend,

I hope things are tracking as well as they can for you (and your boy). I don't have any cogent advice for such a difficult situation.

I can tell you, however, that is seems Larry was Larry Foley, Australian boxer of the 1860;s who is reputed to have never lost a fight and retired aged 32 with a lot of money from his last purse. Good reason to be happy. It seems a New Zealand writer G. L. Meredith wrote, in the mid 1870's,  "We would be as happy as Larry if it were not for the rats". That may be the origin of the term, as it closely coincides with Foley's retirement in 1869 or 1870. Now you can sleep at night!

I did write you a post on the other thread, hoping to cheer you up for a short while with a funny police story.

Anyway, I am keeping an eye on you. (And Mary.) (And Jo.) (And Shay.) (And Geoff.)

Kind regards, John.

[Neil_1]

Hi John Yes,

I saw your funny police story – although probably not funny at all for the lady, who’s dog is was.  But that’s for another story and another time.

So I now have four places in my body that are giving me grief (grief = pain).  Upstairs – my left bicep, right in the middle, which will require an ultrasound – but can’t get in till early June.  My inner left elbow, right around that bony area there – diagnosis of bad tendon inflammation and damage – from reports, a real bugger to get right.  Downstairs – my upper right hamstring/joining in under the glute area – again bad tendon damage and inflammation.  Also something that has just come on in the last 24 hours or so – my outer left ankle – why, oh why has this come back to haunt me?  I haven’t rolled that ankle since early 2009.  Hence why I had to give up my love of long distance running and I then became a gym member. 

But it’s now been since end of April since my last gym visit.

For the record, I am booked in for both xrays and also ultrasounds to try to determine just what's happening with me - physically.

It’s not quite mid-morning and I’m typing this with half closed eyes – I’m just so incredibly tired.

The latest.

His sleeping is just all over the place – always been a shocker of a sleeper and yet our daughter is brilliant.  So much so, that if we had our daughter first, we might have had 10 kids!!  🙂   

But no, our son first and he was a shocker from the get-go;  but I guess we were brand new parents and no doubt made mistakes – just as we still make mistakes.

But now it’s a case of him getting home and by 6pm, he’s asleep.  When he needs to be doing or at least helping his mum with an assignment that’s due. 

So I go to gently wake him up and he grunts and murmers tiny responses and all the while, my stress levels increase – so much so, that I stupidly said, “Do you know how much this stresses out me and your mum?”    His response was ‘loud and clear’ and so different from all his other half- awake grunts – it was “YES, I DO”.  

So I walked out shattered – my immediate thought was, “Oh ^&%$%, by me saying that to him, it has probably given him new fuel to go and self harm again”.    My thinking is that I’ve made him aware that he stresses us out – which he does, but I just shouldn’t have said that – and so when he’s by himself, it could lend itself to him self-harming, because he knows that he causes us stress.

 I spoke with my partner about this, but also about how difficult it is to talk to him – to have any kind of conversation with him – and she said, ‘but I find that too – he’s just really hard to speak too/with’.  I think she was being kind to me, cause I know that they do speak and have chats – even if it is about assignments and school – it’s something.  So with that, you just can’t help but wonder – hmmmm angry son = bad dad.

So yeah, it must be the season eh?    Cause there’s so many of us ‘regulars’ on here who are posting with their (our) own threads who are doing it tough.  Really tough – all differing reasons, etc – but we’ve all got a common bond, that we are just finding things so terribly difficult.

So to my other fellow travellers – I send out warm (albeit tired) hugs to you – and handshakes to the fellas – I mean we need to keep some level of decorum amongst the troops!    Having said that, I’m not averse to giving a big hug to a mate – my brother being one – ever since Dad passed away, we don’t greet anymore with handshakes – it’s you know, one of those bonding kind of hugs.  It’s good.

Kind regards

Neil

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Neil,

Good to hear your bleary eyed response. I don't know how you manage your physical pain (I find the booze just won't get rid of it, no matter how much I try! LOL) but I have a few injuries from my career and I get the same sort of elbow pain you describe. For such a little joint, it sure hurts like crazy. When I do resistance training I have to modify some of the exercises because the pain either distracts me or makes the exercise impossible. I hope the ultra sound and x-rays you're planning provide a basis for some effective treatment.

With your boy, I don't know what to say. I understand your reaction. As a parent it is so hard to see anyone hurt your kids, including themselves. My eldest boy (24) has a bad pot and booze habit going and is a work in progress but sometimes I want to grab him by the collar and tell him to harden up and other times I see him like a helpless little boy and I just want to hold him and shield him from the world. I would do anything to stop his two major addictions (he has others) but that's it, isn't it? I can't do anything except help him help himself. He is resisting rehab and my experience tells me that he will need to sink to his own low point before he will be motivated enough to want real help. The problem is, of course, that his low point might have catastrophic results.

Don't blame yourself. The faults of any of us can be so easily laid at the feet of anyone else if we try hard enough. For example, my ex wife and I split up when my son was a baby. He saw me every second weekend and half the holidays until he was about fifteen then he was out of my life (by his choice) until he started getting in trouble for his addiction to pot. (Trouble as in the police.) It could be said his behaviours were the result of our marriage breakdown, my not seeing him enough, his seeing his mother too much, I didn't take him to the circus, anything. The reality is that he is very intelligent. His mother is well educated and actually a trained psychologist (which of itself could be another reason!!!! Ha!). I am no idiot and we both instilled good values in him and his sister, who has made much better choices with her life. We taught them right from wrong et cetera, et cetera, and he has made a number of bad choices. His fault. The only way out, if he wants it, is to make good choices. He enjoys family support. He needs to do what he needs to do. No one else can do it for him.

Anyway, mate, I hope this has at least shown you that you aren't the only parent that feels frustrated at not being able to fix a big problem. I'll send you a big hug. I'm a good wog (I hope I'm allowed to call myself a "wog" on here!) so we always go in for the hug with male relatives and close friends. 

Take care and kind regards,

John.

[Neil_1]

John

Ahhhh, just like Tony Soprano and all the gang on The Soprano’s … the greeting always was the big hug and slaps on the back.  Yeah, I can handle that.  🙂

Thanx for your most recent post and providing some info about your son (and daughter).  Mine are some 10 years behind yours (give or take) – now at this stage, I can’t see my son taking up with drink or drugs – he’s already told us outright that he won’t be doing either of those.  I’ll take that at face value and be very pleased if he doesn’t.  Although deep down, I’ve always thought a number of things that I thought would have been bloody awesome to have done with my son – like to umpire him at cricket (ok, done), but he now no longer plays cricket (that was a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away), to watch him play Aussie Rules (not done, but oh well), to work out with him at the gym (almost, but as I’m not a father who will push, I’m pretty resigned to this not happening.  And to one day sit down with him on our deck and enjoy a beer together.  Just listen to me – if these are my biggest problems in the world, then life must be pretty good.

But we’ve made bad decisions for a long time now – and now that he’s 16yo, he for the most part, rules us.  I wasn’t going to write this today, but I’m relenting – and if I wrote what I’m going to say “last night” then it wouldn’t have got through the moderators – the moderator’s cat would have slammed down its paw and said “NO”, you can’t be saying stuff like this.  Which is why I slept on it – um, not the moderator’s cat – no I didn’t sleep on that.  That would have been downright uncomfortable for all concerned.

So here we go – I pretty much had a minor meltdown last evening.  The boy is in his room doing whatever he does in there;  talking on the interweb to others who are playing the ‘combat’ kind of game that he plays and when he does this, ‘he can’t be interrupted’, because he can’t stop the game.  My partner needed him to help with some of his homework – an ongoing battle – and I went down to ask him nicely if he could please come to see his mum for assistance.  “No, I can’t”.   “No, I don’t know when”  and that was pretty much it.  

If I’d have given those answers to my parents, I would have had my butt kicked all the way off the farm.   Having said that, in my day, there were no computers and I received next to no assistance with any of my homework – different times my friends.  And so with those exact thoughts in my mind, I just got so worked up – I went outside to just calm down – but was thinking that he rules us – I felt like going back in and slamming off his computer and taking him up to see his mum – I felt like it, but obviously didn’t.

But now deep down, I know that he’s got issues – and if he were to experience things in a perhaps authoratative (you see I can’t even spell the word!) manner this could have dramatic consequences on his frame of mind. I came back in and with tears in my eyes, gave my daughter a massive hug.  No words needed at that time.

 I don’t know where I’m going with this – sometimes I feel like I’m letting out too much – and other times I’m thinking I’m not giving out enough.  It’s all terribly confusing but one thing that it definitely is, IS STRESSFUL.  It screws you up mentally, big time.

 Neil

[white knight]

Hi Neil,

I'd like to respond to this latest post.  You say you feel like your son controls you. Yet I see it a little differently. It isnt easy to describe but I'll try.  I see it that you have no control which is different to him controlling you.

His computer games and social media- whatever he is doing on it, is definitely an obsession more like an addiction.  The positives with such an addiction is- that his addiction is at home in a safe place and we can safely say his mind isnt being permanently impaired by things like other drugs teens get into.

Interrupting his activities for him is a big deal....for him.   Nothing else matters to an addict of computers. He just wants to be left alone.  I certainly think he will grow out of it but it could take a long time.

The answer is not in my mind.  From an outsider with views and ideas I can only try to express a different viewpoint.  To see a bowl of fruit from another angle even though it is still the same bowl of fruit.

Your son isnt controlling you nor trying to. But that is the effect of it on you.  He doesnt realise that at all. Teenagers (some,many?) dont consider other people. It's all about them and its infuriating for anyone around them. I was a step father to a 14yo and as he grew up for the next 10 years while I was with his mother I'd have to say it was only when he reached 21 yo that he started to think of others. So those years of selfishness was obvious and almost intolerable.

I hope I've made some sense mate.

[Neil_1]

Hi WK

Hey, thanx so much for this response.  Your initial opening had me a little confused, but I can say that you went on to explain it perfectly - and yes, you're fully away of these kinds of things, as I was nodding to most of your post.

And you know, that's something that I was always hoping would happen - you mentioned it in your reply, saying - at least he's home and doing his thing here - and I'd forgotten that point totally.  That does mean a lot, because that's something that I'd thought about when they were much younger - that we'd be able to provide a place where they feel comfortable in being.

So thank you so much for that WK.  A positive out of this.  🙂

Cheers

Neil