Advice needed - Please ....

[Neil_1]

Dear friends  

I don’t know how to write this – I’ve been thinking on how to do this in the best way – you know, without giving away too much information – um, that’s not making sense.  I’ll try this.

Last year we (my partner and I) knew that our son had self harmed.  Not good as you know, self-harming can lead to life-time memories/scars.  I’ve run this by Beyond Blue and I’m not allowed to mention the where’s and how’s for what he did – but just to say that it’s highly concerning for us.  The school called us and we were able to speak with him – after some time, we found out that he was doing this because he had friends who were in really bad places and were considering the ‘s’ word.  That really shook him up, as he is a deeply caring boy.  

Fast forward to last Tuesday – we were called to his school (a new school by the way) – he was found by some other boys self-harming again.  The same kind of self harm that he was doing last year, only last week, it was a lot more. We met up with the head teacher and also our son (he’s 16yo by the way) – he had bandages where he had self harmed.  

We were both in shock about this – and had no idea that he was doing this – and apparently he’s been doing it for some time (like months and months) and he’s just been very good at hiding it.  The clever little bugga!   Only he's not so little anymore - he's about my height now.

So this was the post I was going to send last week, when Maresy was saying she thought there was something up with me, and I told her back that she has amazing intuition.   But I decided not too, until now – and I do this now, because he’s done it again today! 

He's bandaged again and I’m just gutted!   We’re beside ourselves with worry – he is unable, or won’t tell us why he’s doing this.  There is no anger at all, there is nothing but love and support in this family – he’s told us it’s not what prompted it last year for him.  He has said there’s nothing wrong at his school and that that’s all fine.  

He has said that it’s nothing to do with his home/family life.  (Wow, it sounds like he talks a lot, but that’s not the case – we just gently ask questions and he’ll just say, ‘no it’s not that’.)  

We’re now trying to go through different things for what it might be – because there is something there for him that’s really terrible (he’s suggested as such) but he cannot tell us.  I’ve told him similar stories that I’ve responded to on this site, and where if the person keeps things to themselves, the situation will only get worse.  

He’s been to see a counselor and also a GP - but again, that is something that is in strictest confidence and that nothing said there can be known by us.  

This is ripping us up inside and at the moment, I’m injured in legs and in arms, so cannot go to the gym for my workout sessions – so with everything else that is affecting me mentally, this new thing has just swept over everything else and is like a ‘news alert’ a siren with flashing lights attached and is dominating my mind terribly.  

I know we cannot force him to tell us – and my partner has tried to be with him to see if he’d open up, but all to no avail.  I have tried on a couple of occasions – in fact, only just half an hour ago and I was met with – “I just don’t want to talk about it”. 

I have my own psychologist appointment this Thursday – hey can you guess what might be on the Agenda for that session?

I don’t know what to do.  I really feel helpless.    Any thoughts/suggestions would be so welcome. 

Neil

[Neil_1]

Hi guys

I’ve had my session today with my psyche – probably the fastest hour ever spent for a long long time!

The responses I’ve received here have been phenomenal and I thank each and every one of you so much for your thoughts, your advice and your experiences. GA, I am so glad that your post made it through – think less of you – I don’t think so. 

 All people who post on this site are up there on a ledge high above everyone else in society – because you people are dealing with your own issues and yet you are able to come to the fore and rally when someone needs it.   I’m writing this through tears at the moment and that’s not something I do.

Can I ask – no, I don’t know what to ask right now. 

 I guess people have got to the state in their lives where they feel so much worry, that they feel sick with it.  I came down feeling nauseous through my session this morning and am feeling it build up now.

I don’t have much more to say.   Just thank you dear and wonderful friends.

Neil

[Mares73]

Neil-such a close precious friend to me-im so sorry I only read your ms now as I haven't had Web Access so know I'm be to using my ph. My heart goes out to you. I know from my daughter whose 14 & at a Catholic School that her friends talk about self harm almost as though it were normal & it worries me as there seems to be this new "emu culture" I think it's called where self harm is looked upon heroically. This troubles me deeply & I've heard other adults talk of similar experiences with their teenagers who discuss suicide as though it's a normal event. I known none of that helps but I'd be looking into who his friends are & things are discussed so much on social network sites which I haven't learnt to access but I think it's another triggar. My GP said the best thing I could do was take her to a psychologist who specializes in treating adolescents. They know how to read behaviors & thoughts & I'd strongly recommend it. Because of the probable reluctance to go-i was told to explain to her that she wasn't in any trouble & that it's normal to go & chat to an adolescent psychologist as they can relate & pick up on the "vibes", possible triggers & so forth. He is isolating because he can't handle & is probably overwhelmed by what his feelings are. And kids especially-if the psychologist is good-she/he will be able to read the situation & identify why this is happening. Your son may also find it easier talking to someone unrelated especially if he knows it's in confidence. That's the Best I can think off straight off top of my thoughts. It seems highly probable that he may be having a identity crises & issues at school may be affecting him as at his age kids are looking to belong somewhere & there may be issues at school including his peers which are impacting on him. At that age the acceptance of our peers is very important. Neil you probably know everything I've said. Another idea is to casually drop in a plan where the two of you do something together ASAP whether it's going to watch a sports game he likes or a movie etc. From advice I've been given its not unusual for teenagers to isolate & spend majority of time in their room. I appreciate this must be an extremely emotional & distressing time for you & your partner. My heart really goes out to you. Keep letting out how you feel here where you will receive support & advice. You need an outlet & so many people here think the world of you. My thoughts are with you my very precious friend & I hope your able to keep expressing what's happening so you have some support to help you at home. Neil I don't know if you realize how special you are to me & care very deeply. I hope you can update soon how your coping. You really are in my heart, Lve Mares xxx

[Rhonda_K]

Dear Neil,

I can't be much help with your situation as I haven't had kids, and can only imagine the deep pain that seeing your flesh and blood so obviously in pain. I do know that people self harm as they are in so much internal pain.

Just keep being there for your son and hopefully he will open up when he is ready and able to.

You are such a kind and caring man. You are there for so many of us on this site, so make sure you are there for you too.

Regards, Rhonda

[Bridge]

hi Neil

I feel the need to summarise and order this information.....!

firstly , BIG hugs (again) to yourself, your wife, daughter and son, and anyone else that needs them

secondly, it seems that the thing that's has helped people get through self harming is knowing that other people have their backs, it doesn't matter how they express it really (like KiwiDaves dad driving him nuts, but I think it was the fact that he took the time to try and help, which helped?) Your doing that neil, (and without driving your son nuts too I think.., so 'extrordinaire'  is a warranted description). And that while it helps, most teenagers don't seem to acknowledge it at the time. much.

thirdly, im wondering if the lack of talking to grown ups also has something to do with growing up, and the need to be separate from your parents and find your own way..even when it gets really too difficult. I can remember not saying anything to my folks because it was like giving up on my own self reliance,   it that makes any sense at all.

also, im just wondering if there is a bit of cyber bullying going on somewhere?  I spose youve already looked at that.  I don't know much a about it, but I have to deal with staff members here and there who have got on the wrong side of something and got facebooked badly.  it really messed with peoples brains. its pretty nasty weaponry.

can I just say thanks for the insight provided by the self harmers among us.  it really made me understand a lot better the driving forces behind it, and  why it helps. usefull, insightful and clear.  thankyou.

and finally, as a group, we are AWESOME at communicating stuff to eachother that really helps. well done everyone.  what a team. I get so proud of us I get teary.   its odd how us weirdo fruitcakes who cant cope with life, are actually prove to be the bravest, most incredibly courageous and immensely strong people .  one of the great absurdities of life.

Bridge

[Stuck14]

Just wanted to check in on you Neil, an see how your doing? Know that your family are in my thoughts an I hope your son is doing as well as can be expected.

[Neil_1]

 Hi there again dear friends

Thanx again to Maresy, Rhonda, Bridge and Shay for posting wonderful messages.  Maresy, you were so spot on with your advice – as we’ve got him seeing a special counsellor from the school – which he was fine to go see – we certainly didn’t push this and the end decision had to be his – and so that was pleasing that he went.   

He was supposed to have his second session this week, but as events unfortunately happened, he was at home – so that’s been rescheduled.  We’ve also had him to a GP – and after the initial introduction, it was then just him and the GP – but he ended up saying it was an ‘ok’ appointment.

He’s only just got his L plates which he was pretty excited about a couple of weeks ago, and so he’s been out a couple of times – and will be encouraging this whenever he’s keen for it.  And yes, there might be a family trip to the movies this weekend – I just hope he’ll come along as well – getting him out of his room can prove to be a task. 

I too wonder and worry about that facebook thing - and other things that he may or may not be doing - i'm not on facebook and never will - my partner has it, but only uses it rarely - but she did say that there's a thing on it, like a workplace "instant messenger" thing, which makes me also wonder what he gets up too.  I mean, we can't police him with what he's doing - but it DOES make you wonder and worry.

My psyches end strong message to me yesterday was to “not” push him about this – she said that’s what the counsellors job is for – well not for them to push either, but for them to discuss the issues – and the end result is that in the end, he “may” wish to talk to us later on - and again, he may not.

My psyche yesterday was brilliant, but is also very concerned for me – as I’ve got this, plus other issues that are snapping at me – one in particular is my current injuries – I haven’t been able to go to the gym this month and only went a few times through April.  As those of you who follow my posts a bit, you'll know that my gym sessions mean so much to me - so by not being able to go this is helping largely to send me spare!!  I’m going stir crazy. 

Because in the past, I’ve had one injury, either to the top half or the legs, but not at the same time – but this time it’s to both and so I can’t do anything pretty much of a physical nature. 

Even if I’m out doing some gardening, that’s only helping to flare things up.  I’m seeing a very good physio and am booked in for x-rays and ultrasounds.

I don’t know – I really just don’t know.   I told her all these things I'm feeling - anxious, nervous, stressed, angry, irritable, nauseous (gee, I'm just a bundle of joy aren't I - what a happy camper)   Now who came up with such a saying, "Boy, he's a happy camper!"  or "Gee, he's as happy as Larry".  Who in the hell was Larry.

Sorry, slight digression - but yeah, I ran through that list of things and she said, "Yes, with all that you've got going on, all those symptoms aren't surprising".

On top of this, my Mum told me on the phone last evening that he cancer blood count has worsened since last time - and she's having trouble keeping even small amounts of food down.

I'm sorry guys for unloading.  😞

Neil 😞

[white knight]

Neil1,   All in all there is progress and you have handled things well IMO. 

Facebook- that evil site!!.   I am on it and as I'm open to my ills, have handed other so called 'friends' a weapon for cruelty when the simple of disagreements come about. Yes, you can defriend them or a greater action, block them.  But if such friends are interacting as a group you tend to shy away from that because it causes a split and then your curiosity gets to you as you done know what that person is saying about you because you no longer see their posts.

I think its a fad.  An addictive fad.  Actions I've taken this year is drop my friends list from 180 to 45, blocked those proven to be abusive, and registered with sites that have high levels of moderation like BB.  Abuse on cyber space can be debilitating, life changing and emotionally dangerous.  I hope he manages it well. Good luck mate

[geoff]

dear Neil, my friend, please don't worry because I have following this post of yours very closely, and amongst all of these comments there have been so many important statements made by all these lovely people, which I will mention, but excuse me for not mentioning your names, but you will know ho has said it.

So here goes, 'My children do not know my history as I have fierce need to protect them and not pollute their mind', ' age thing a lot of the time that stops our kids confiding in us.'

' when the surgeons realised it was self inflicted, they refused', ' try not to get him to make any promises as if he feels he can't keep them, ' I will have further contact with someone and they ask, I will tell them the truth. They can either handle it or they can't. If they can't I don't need them around me'.

' I took the other route to turned to drugs to try to fix my problems', ' would refuse to answer - but in hindsight it was those times where all I wanted was for him to leave me alone that I realized that someone really cared', ' you're an amazing caring father, and any son would be lucky to call you their Dad.'

' I came down feeling nauseous through my session this morning and am feeling it build up now.'

'Psychologist who specializes in treating adolescents', 'You need an outlet & so many people here think the world of you,' ' self harming is knowing that other people have their backs,' ' the lack of talking to grown ups also has something to do with growing up, and the need to be separate from your parents', ' a bit of cyber bullying going on somewhere'.

'psyches end strong message to me yesterday was to “not” push him about this – she said that’s what the counsellors job is for – well not for them to push either, but for them to discuss the issues – and the end result is that in the end, he “may” wish to talk to us later on, ' with all that you've got going on, all those symptoms aren't surprising", ' my Mum told me on the phone last evening that he cancer blood count has worsened since last time'.

I have just picked out the eyes of all of these comments, and probably missed some as well, but I would like to reply back to you in a couple of hours, firstly as I have to go and secondly I want to read the comments again, just in case I have missed something important. Geoff.

[Mares73]

My special Neil, I've thought of you so much & I'm so so glad your sons agreed to help. Even my daughter is still resisting it so that's great progress in the right direction. I'll look for your updates over weekend. In my heart & thoughts X Maresy

[geoff]

dear Neil, my friend, I have replied back to you much earlier this morning as I have been following this post of yours very closely, but the Mods probably are still checking it, but if it doesn't appear then I post again.

There are many people on this site helping you which is great, and please remember that I also have your back covered. Geoff.