Advice for helping sister

[StressedOutSis]

My sister is 17 years old and suffers from anxiety.

The main triggers of her anxiety are:

- Social situations: Has a good time with friends who care about her, but will later think into every detail and feel like she is/was awkward. Doesn't have the confidence to initiate doing things with her friends - which leads her to pushing away people. If her friends can't do something on a certain day, she takes it personally. If her friends have other friends, she will take it personally and stop making effort. She has always been looking for that one, special, best friend but of course - as we all know - not everyone has that friend and sometimes it's better to have a whole bunch of good friends! When she is close with someone, she picks out "annoying" traits and focuses on them, rather than the good ones.

- School: She is in Year 11 this year and does very well. However, she hates the pressure of study/homework/exams etc. She is doing a year 12 subject and ranked very highly in it, but she considers this to be purely be because it's a bludge subject (it's not). She tells us she just hates school, which I'm sure is very common in teenagers in her frame of mind.

 - Food: she went through a period of time in which she was extremely focused on eating healthy. She would only eat small portions and this caused her to lose a lot of weight. LUCKILY she has made an effort to eat larger portions and has gained back weight. She is still thin compared to others her age but not unhealthy - and food isn't always a stressor anymore - YAY!

Anyway, I would like some advice with how to deal with the situation. She has been anxious like this for a long time, but it has only been in recent years that she has taken it out on the family with anger and hate. My mum does everything for her - kindly helping her, supporting her, taking her to a psychologist, ensuring we have healthy food around etc. However, my mum is the one that gets the most anger when something goes wrong. As much as we explain that we love her, it is turned around on us. After she has been angry, a nice gesture is perceived as "why are you being nice, I'm a bad person". I offer to help her invite her friends to do things, but she doesn't let me help her. Although she opened up to the psychologist (definitely seemed to help) she would tell us it was crap.

[white knight]

Hi Stressedoutsis, welcome

Your sister lack a lot of confidence and doesnt like herself. Your mother and sister are on the right track though and given some time for maturity to help out things will improve.

Low self esteem is common with sufferers of mental illness and taking things to extremes are to. Big highs, big lows etc. I'm not trying to diagnose her as I'm a sufferer of these issues to, but she isnt well, thats clear. She needs support even when she abuses her mother or others. It isnt easy helping someone that throws such help back at you. Such attention seeking should be just ignored. Underneath, she needs and like the attention.

You are kind enough to seek advice here from other persons. Keep up your attitude.

Tony WK

[StressedOutSis]

Hi white knit,

Thanks for the reassurance! She definitely has low self esteem, which feeds into her anxiety about school and friends. We are trying to help and support her as much as we can! She has just started taking folinic acid + b12 once a day to see if it makes a difference (there is evidence to support this can help some sufferers of anxiety). 

I just don't want her to miss out on opportunities due to her self esteem and anxiety! She is so smart and receives good grades, but she hates school and constantly talks about how hard it is. I know school can be hard - but she does so well and doesn't overstudy, so its definitely a bit of natural ability too! She is currently looking into the options of VCAL and VET, and while I have nothing against them, I personally think continuing VCE is the best option - especially because she doesn't know what she wants to do and it gives her a broader range of options when she finishes. Her reason is because "school is hard" but, reality is, so is everything! VCAL and VET will also be hard in certain ways, and you still have to go to school! She is unsure about attending school camp to Central Australia (which is the best camp I ever went on so I know she'd enjoy it) because she will miss 3 lessons of her Yr 12 subject, but I know if she doesn't go she will complain of feeling left out when her friends talk about it. 

 I just wish she would realise how special she is and how much we, her family, and her friends love and appreciate her! I encouraged her to invite her friends to a movie for her birthday, which she did (after complaining and saying I only did it because I didn't want to go with her - not true). She had a lovely night and had nothing negative to say, for once. Her friends all got her such thoughtful presents, and it made me sad to think she so easily pushes these people away when she perceives something wrong about them. I personally want her to open up to someone outside the family who she can trust, because I feel like she will be able to stay calmer and think more rationally with them - whereas with us she snaps and gets angry so easily because she is comfortable yelling and abusing us!

On the bright side, its only been a few days on folinic acid/b12 and I could swear she has been so much more relaxed and rational! I really hope it is working to calm her down and clear her head. 

 Thanks again, 

J

[white knight]

Hi SOS,

Can we humans care too much? I hope you dont take offense to my reply this time. But reading the above reply from you I am feeling that you have evolved into a "helicopter" sister.

When parents overlook their children and care for them to an extent that they hover over them to excess they are tagged "helicopter parents". The effect of this can be the reverse of what they are trying to do. Care for them.

It often takes an outsider of the family to do the hard yards, inform them their efforts are contributing to the problem. So please, read this carefully, you are great to care for your sister but you are hovering too much and your efforts are causing an extra issue.

Several sentences of your latest reply indicate this. You assume that because you enjoyed a certain trip interstate- that your sister will too. Maybe not? We are individuals and she might not like it at all. Her choices should be respected. You dont want her to miss out on opportunities but she is her and not you. She could always return to schooling at a later time or correspondence or other, when she has matured or overcame her medical issues. Or, when she is comfortable with doing so.

More- "Her reason is because "school is hard" but, reality is, so is everything! VCAL and VET will also be hard in certain ways, and you still have to go to school! " For some (and I was one) school is traumatic. Her schooling might well be so much more harder than yours was. Remember she is her and not you. Her views and life is different. Please stop comparing her to your own experiences.

"I just wish she would realise how special she is and how much we, her family, and her friends love and appreciate her!" Love doesnt come into it. Underneath she does love you all, but her issues are predominant in her mind and she is struggling to cope with them.

"whereas with us she snaps and gets angry so easily because she is comfortable yelling and abusing us!"She has too many people on her back. Her only defence is to lash out. She is indeed struggling for her own identity

So,what would I do in this situation? I would ask her what SHE wants to do. - I'd give it to her within reason. Leave school for a year? Get a job? take her schooling part time?Whatever the "time out" she needs then go along with it. Let HER wear the consequences of her own actions. As long as she isnt a couch potato.

We cant all be rocket scientists.Someone has to serve us at takeaway shops. if she has a smile and overcomes her anxiety.

tony WK

[StressedOutSis]

No offence taken Tony! For me it has gotten to a point where her anxiety/stress/bad moods are influencing me to feel the same way - stressed and worried about her happiness!

Going to the camp is totally her decision! We have told her that from the start but she is indecisive - which is why I have explained to her that I enjoyed it, that in my experience, it brought our year level together and we got to see new things. Many of my friends didn't go and were happy with their decision, and I've told her that too. Perhaps she doesn't want to go on the camp because it will be hot, or she doesn't want to sleep in a tent - thats fine! Part of her wants to go, and another part doesn't (by her own admission). This is where I try to provide her some guidance and show her that either choice will be good in different ways and explain the pros of both.

Same goes for school - the thought of the future weights heavily on her but I have explained to her that she can do whatever you want after school - go to uni, go to tafe, take a gap year and work, take a gap year and travel or simply focus on herself and building confidence. We even told her she can leave school and pursue something else now, its all up to her and we will provide her with whatever advice/info she asks for - as long as she is doing something to fill her time and not being a couch potato like you said.

She wants to do everything, and nothing - if that makes sense, which is where it becomes hard. As we've told her many times, at 17 so many people have no idea what they want to do, so she doesn't need to worry about that. Just try to take each moment as it comes, and take opportunities that will positively benefit her. Yes, opportunities can be subjective - but what i mean here is doing things SHE enjoys or SHE complains about not doing or not having. So I try to encourage (not force) her to do things that she enjoys, finds easy and "stress free" and to occasionally step outside her comfort zone and do things she wants but doesn't action (like asking a friend to go out for lunch)

I don't force her hand, but I talk to her openly about these things and encourage her to do what she wants to but doesn't have the confidence to follow through. She comes to us for advice & help - so we share out opinion and advice with her when she asks about these things.

Everything in her life is 100% her decision - but what do you do when she can't make up her mind about things?

[white knight]

HI SOS,

Thankyou.   Perhaps there is a part of her that hasnt developed? That side of us that analyses things to come to a decision.

And thats th only thing I can suggest. Is that she is taught how to by thinking for herself to come to that decision.

It would be hard on all of you.

Tony WK