25yo daughter depressed/anxious & almost abusive

[1963]

My daughter returned at Xmas after 4 yrs living overseas. Tried living with her mum for a while but again, this failed as they can be like 2 bulls in 1 paddock. She came to live with me in my 2 br flat & circumstances have turned it into an absolute bloody nightmare. I know she is unwell but it is like she is 14 yo again, almost impossible to communicate with, angry, argumentative, almost bullying. Just before the virus lockdown she said she was feeling depressed & contacted a counsellor. When it hit she decided we were going to live with extreme hygiene, for example, if someone delivers a package or groceries, it gets wiped down & if, for example, I forget to wash my hands straight after touching it, she gets REALLy upset, over the top. It's got to the stage now if she thinks I haven't been hygienic [or maybe Ive forgotten one time] she becomes extremely passive-aggressive & holes herself up in her room for days. I don't see her, she'll only come out when I'm in my room. I get extremely worried, I wonder if I'm going to find her dead in her bedroom 1 day. If I knock on her door or try to talk to her I really cop it, I have given up on that. She doesn't want me to go to the shops or anything as she says I'm 'more at risk'. So now, I have to get prescriptions filled but she's not talking to me so I can't ask her. I will go tomorrow & cop it from her when she eventually finds out I went!! I said I would help her with the cleaning this weekend [she has to show me how some things I've done] but again, she's not talking to me, but she will let me have it for not having done the cleaning this weekend!! I cannot win or even have much of a conversation with her without having to agree with whatever she says. We had a pretty good adult relationship before this, it's unbelievable, my home, my sanctuary now feels like a prison of misery, I would NEVER have predicted this when she said she was returning home to Australia. I think she is still talking to the counsellor online or by phone but had some problems contacting her. I would like to ask her to see a doctor & maybe get some medication till the situation changes but, to be honest, I'm scared to talk to her as every time we talk it gets worse, she says I lie, saying things like "you say that every time & you dont do it, so don't say anything any more." I asked her to talk to friends but "no, I don't want to burden them.." I am not coping, I gave up drinking but have started again behind her back, just to cope.

[Sophie_M]

Hey 1963, welcome to our online community, we are so grateful that you reached out to us here tonight. We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling so low due to what's happening in your household at the moment. It sounds as though you are needing some support and we want you to know that there is help available to you. 

We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.

Many in our community have also been through a lot in their lives and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best support you through this.

[Croix]

Dear 1963

Welcome back, it has been a while.

I think the most concerning part of your post is where you say

"I am not coping, I gave up drinking but have started again behind her back, just to cope."

That can turn, as you know, into a serious long term problem and should really take priority over everything, as should your whole well-being.

When you allowed you 25 year old daughter to join you you had no idea this was going to happen, now she is taking extreme measures for cleanliness, having unreasonable conversations and expectations with you, and is isolating herself in her room. On top of that her demeanor has made you reluctant to talk with her.

Reading your old posts I can see that seven years ago you were suffering anxiety and depression and this current situation is not designed to improve those illnesses

May I ask if you have medical support for these conditions? If no, now would be an excellent time to start/resume, particularly before alcohol becomes too much of a habitual retreat. Not only would be obtaining the best help for yourself but you can gain advice on how to approach your daughter's condition.

As any parent would know, catering to unreasonable behaviors will only encourage them. From the sounds of it your daughter needs competent medical care.

You need your home to be a home.

I hope to talk with you again and see what you think

Croix

[Croix]

P.S.
Forgot to say: the fact you gave up drinking is something for which you deserve a great deal of respect, my apologies for not mentioning it earlier
-C