Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

Roads_End · ‎25-09-2020

Like I have seen so many others here write "I don't know why I'm writing this" as I know the only person that can solve this is me. I've suffered depression for 40 + years, medication has helped keep the worst of it at bay, there has even been long stretchers where life is really good and the thought of ending yourself seems incomprehensible, sadly 3 years ago the good times ended, the medication that had worked for 18 years failed, all medications tried since do nothing, ECT helped for a while but didn't hold which brings me to not wanting to fight anymore, 40 years is too long, easy solution . do what I should done years ago.I know how I'll do it, i'm ready to do it, I have no fear of doing it, problem solved except for my wonderful loving wife of 36 years. I end my pain and course her grief and pain so for the last 3 years I've just sucked it up even though every minute I'm awake I wish I was dead. What the hell do I do I dont want to hurt my wife but I can go on much longer. I wouldn't want my wife to hurt and grieve due to the betrayal of suicide.

Guest_1055 · ‎16-11-2020

Hello

I do hear you when you say you hate being here. I myself have cried this out numerous times. Even when driving alone in the car where no one can hear me shouting out with tears and sometimes anger. I also hate the thought of hurting anyone else in my life, as I really don't want them to feel pain or anything.

Sometimes I wonder there has to more to this life on this earth. Like why am I even here, what is my purpose for existence? Have you had this thoughts as well? These thoughts are so very deep in me and I am yet to have a clear definite answer.

I am unsure of your views on God and I am even a bit scared to share this. But He is the only one who has sort of reached me in a significant way. Like bought any meaning to my existence here. It is all not totally clear. But I am getting glimpses of life, what it means to be alive and not merely existing.

So maybe you are in a good place being at the end of your road. Coming to the end of yourself sort of thing. A while ago, I cried out in pure desperation saying "if you are real God, please show me". At that time there seemed no other way for me to go. The end, maybe like your road end.

Anyway He did show me He is real. And I realised there was another dimension to living on this earth. Maybe like for you, you are walking on this road and boom you find yourself at the very end, you cannot see any other way. You look to the right and then look to the left. All just dead ends. Ending your life just seems like the logical answer. Travelling previously on some of the roads, well you just hated it so much. Nothing really brought you any happiness, nothing satisfied you, no joy was to be found. No peace of one's soul. What if God opened your very eyes, right at that dead end. And your saw another way? Not ending your own life on earth, but rather...... This is where I am at I believe. I have seen and experienced glimpses of what it is like. Being in a place where their is perfect peace in my soul, no strifing, no hurt or pain. No heaviness, no sadness, a sensation of joy, a knowing of being alive and full of life. An experience of being home. Without a doubt I know this is God. Wish I could explain it more to you, but it is not fully clear to me as yet. I just know it deep within me that this is true.

Please will you consider there may well be another way for you.

Ggrand · ‎16-11-2020

Hello Roads End..

I am deeply sorry that your still feeling that your options of life are still the same..depression hurts us deeply even though we are good people it tells us otherwise...

Roads End..the world...I mean the natural world..is beautiful...You have a deep and strong love for your wife, who is keeping you...That’s good..because I know that you don’t want to end your life..but you do want to end your pain...I have struggled with these thoughts..

Just a thought here..I’m wondering if you and your beautiful wife can go to a beautiful calm place..near a river somewhere near you..and take a picnic lunch..then both sit quietly and take in everything around you..the birds singing, the leaves rustling in the wind..the animal life that lives in and around the river..the smell of the fresh clean air, the floating clouds above you..the warmth of the healing sun being absorbed into you skin...the trees that are growing, the feel of the grass....I believe that in our fast and stressful lives, we all need to stop for a day or two..to relax our mind and just let nature take over us..it really does give our minds a break from everyday rushing around and negative thoughts....and to reflect on the wonders that are there for us....A kind of mindfulness mini healing resting day...for your precious soul and heart...

Please don’t give up trying..I know it’s hard..and your hurting a lot... and I’m so sorry you are..but please try hard to never give up....Keep reaching out here and to your Dr. and professionals...We are here for you dear sir..offering you our kindness and care...with our wishes of hope that you will get through this..

My kindest and most caring wishes for you Roads End..

Grandy..