Recovering from an attempt

[Lagela]

I am blank and whilst not unhappy that it wasn’t successful, I am absolutely petrified for the future. Who am I now? I feel the same worthlessness as before but even more.
I’m getting all the help there is - therapist, meds, community health.
I think I just need to hear some friendly voices and similar stories. Please help.

[Helarctus]

Hello Lagela,

Welcome to the community, I am glad you are with us.

An attempt is a big event, emotionally, physically and mentally to overcome. Feeling blank or numb can be a way that your body and mind are trying to protect you. The future can be a big scary thing, that is ok. It sounds like you are following the prescribed paths which will help, but feeling lost even while on the path is not unusual.

Feeling will return, colour will return and you will see the world. Take your time, don't rush back and try to be everything you were before. Being well is not a race, and that may have been part of what got you here in the first place.

Who are you is an excellent question, what parts of you from before do you like? Keep that, invest in you. Pick up a sketch pad, even if you have never drawn before and see what you can doodle and jot in thoughts.

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

[white knight]

Hi Lagela, welcome

I'm happy you are getting all the professional help, but of course that doesnt fill in the gaps in between visits so this forum open 24/7/365 is here for that reason and we can share experiences.

It was way back in 1996 when I made my one and only attempt. It was at the end of 11 years as a husband to what I'd label a narcissistic wife. I recall my dad saying to me prior- "better to be a part time dad than no dad at all". And a part time brother, nephew and so forth. Wise words. One week later Iseparated which was really hard as I had two daughters 7 and 4yo. But I felt there was no other choice.

For 8-10 weeks I was a blubbering mess in a small caravan in a caravan park. I worked shift work and still provided for my family. In fact 14 years I paid child support with not one late payment. After 10 weeks on one of my evening walks I spotted a block of land and had a vision to build my own home. Suddenly I got excited, I had a direction. This proved to be one of two most valuable realisations- a direction, a purpose. The other thing that steered me towards tolerating life, humans, society and drama was- finding my own spiritual purpose. This does not have to be a religion.

My spiritual journey had to include animals, love and care. I found him- Maharaji Prem Rawat. He has numerous YouTube videos that are great for meditation but also he teaches logic and love, love for yourself and others.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhrtbBrMQ1Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpfuMFsBgNk

If the above videos strike some sort of cord with you then you can expand on that by watching many more of hi s videos.

But I'm not here to promote what I find life changing, that is for you to find. To tip the see-saw in the favour of living as opposed to considering suicide is , I hope, your ambition. In the second clip above Maharaji talks about the answer "is in you", to find inner peace. This should be your objective, Maharaji's help or from some other source.

Some find it in churches, others in a happy relationship, even a career. But regardless ther eis a lot of work to be done to achieve calm and peace. Consultations with your professionals will take you back to childhood, relationships and sort out medications. Equal time should be set aside by you to seek peace.

I finished building my two storey quaker barn house in 9 months in 1997 and it was a proud day. My daughters slept in their new bedrooms and I had a quiet drink to celebrate.

Reply anytime

TonyWK

[RPB]

Hey there Lagela,

I've been in a space, not the same, but not dissimilar; where I was recovering from an attempt on my life and wondering what the hell was going on with me - me, my life, the world around me and how it all fit together in the aftermath of waking up when I wasn't supposed to. I know it might feel uncertain, scary and so so weird still being around when you didn't necessarily think you would be - but from what you've said you're putting in the work, which involves trying to look ahead and find a way to put one foot in front of the other, which is the most amazing guiding light in the middle of what might feel like a lot of darkness right now. For me, it was the little things that kept me going while I tried to work out the bigger stuff - the small steps I made in a direction that valued my needs and wants, the half smile of a stranger walking past me in the street, and all the other little things I hadn't noticed while I was depressed, but which the practise of mindfulness started to make me aware of. Mindfulness reconnected me to the world around me by engaging me in it through my senses, and it was as easy as just feeling what was already there.

I have a list of literature that helped me work out what was going on with my brain at the time, and how to help me reconnect to the life I felt disconnected from, that I can give you if you like? Between the books, meditation, having heartfelt honest conversations, therapy and journalling I slowly worked things out a little more - I don't think that we ever stop learning and growing during the course of our lives, and removing the pressure to have it all sorted out at the timewas a good start.

[therising]

Hi Lagela

I see you've already received some amazing support and guidance here, from some truly amazing people. So important to have guiding lights in our life when the darkness feels so overwhelming.

From my own experience, I never realised how bad depression could get until it got that bad. I actually phoned a friend to come take me to hospital because I realised that it wasn't a matter of me wanting to leave this world, it was more of a matter of me feeling like I just couldn't tolerate it anymore. It was too sad, exhausting, confusing, overwhelming etc. It's an incredibly challenging time when you feel like you can't be here (in this world) yet you can't be there (out of it). Where to be? Who to be?

Helarctus, TonyWK and RPB have all mentioned ways to raise yourself toward becoming someone who experiences the world and their place in it differently. To raise your consciousness through your senses can be powerful. To be sensitive enough to feel physical emotion through our connection to what we're seeing, tasting, smelling, hearing and touching can be be powerful. I know it may sound strange but to also feel our thoughts is a way of learning to trust our feelings and what those feelings are telling us. For example, how does it feel to do depression alone? I recall it being a horrible and torturous feeling. I recall the feeling of loneliness. We're not meant to feel this way ongoing, therefor these feelings are guiding us to find a way to not do depression alone. How does it feel, finding inspiration? Myself, I find in the case of inspiration, there is a lack of heaviness. I believe we can feel when we're on the right path or heading in the right direction.

TonyWK mentions Prem Rawat. I found him to be an incredible guiding light when I came out of my depression. When you find someone who resonates with a deeper part of you and whose words really resonate in regard to who you want to become, this is also very powerful. I'm currently reading 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. While I read this book some years ago, it feels different now. I relate to it differently. I believe as we set out to raise our consciousness and our spirits, we can sense our progress.

I hope you are sensing progress, having come here. I hope you are feeling the care and kindness we support you with on your journey forward. I hope you are feeling the courage that's always present in taking that first step into the unknown, in the direction of becoming who you are going to be.

🙂

[Lagela]

Thank you all so much for your replies. To know I am not alone in having this experience means a great deal.
I will have to come back to this thread to look at the recommendations again.
I feel I am still in a state of being terrified, scared and panicked for no good reason. I feel an expectation to just get on with things and that I am being melodramatic.
im not blaming others but it feels like the combination of everything going on has led me to this place and I don’t know how to deal with what I can control, other than to just avoid and block it all out.
sorry to dump on you good people but maybe you’ve been here and can understand.

[white knight]

Hi Lagela

Take your time. We have zero expectations here but it was great for you to reply.

You're doing well

TonyWK

[RPB]

Hey again Lagela,

It was really nice to hear back from you, but please don't apologise for "dumping," because it was nothing of the sort! This is all simply human, real-life stuff, and there is no judgment here. In terms of what you said in your response, I don't believe that anybody should "just get on with things," it's not being melodramatic - you are where you are right now and that is all perfectly valid and real. And it's okay. Accepting where you are at right now can help, because you stop fighting with the present moment and things flow more easily on from there - but maybe you just need a little time to not do much, to let yourself recover somewhat before you try any of these suggestions? There are no right or wrong times to do any of these things, we just have to value where we're at at the time, and do what feels right. And sometimes the best "do what feels right" is not doing anything at all. Rest is so underrated! As are ridiculous comedies on Netflix!

When you're ready, more than happy to re-engage you with some more details about the specifics of how I got through the post-attempt headspace, but maybe just talking, knowing that people are there, and not doing much else is exactly what the doctor ordered right now?

You've got this 🙂

[Lagela]

Hi Tony,

thank you for taking the time to reply to me on those dark days.

I love the idea, concept and fruition of your home and that you had you girls stay there.

My ex is also very controlling and has taken enough time of my life. Time for me to build my own ‘barn’ so to speak.

I have hope for the future.

[white knight]

Then your future is secure, perhaps unknown but secure because you known where you're at and what you have do.

Controlling partners prey on the vulnerable.

Repost anytime. We are here for you

TonyWK