Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

Roads_End · ‎25-09-2020

Like I have seen so many others here write "I don't know why I'm writing this" as I know the only person that can solve this is me. I've suffered depression for 40 + years, medication has helped keep the worst of it at bay, there has even been long stretchers where life is really good and the thought of ending yourself seems incomprehensible, sadly 3 years ago the good times ended, the medication that had worked for 18 years failed, all medications tried since do nothing, ECT helped for a while but didn't hold which brings me to not wanting to fight anymore, 40 years is too long, easy solution . do what I should done years ago.I know how I'll do it, i'm ready to do it, I have no fear of doing it, problem solved except for my wonderful loving wife of 36 years. I end my pain and course her grief and pain so for the last 3 years I've just sucked it up even though every minute I'm awake I wish I was dead. What the hell do I do I dont want to hurt my wife but I can go on much longer. I wouldn't want my wife to hurt and grieve due to the betrayal of suicide.

Sophie_M · ‎25-09-2020

Dear Roads End,

We are sorry to hear that you are having a tough time and that things are becoming increasingly difficult. We can hear that you love and care for your wife and do not want to cause her any grief or harm.

We are reaching out to you, to let you know that you are not alone and that we are here to support you. We want to invite you to call our open line or one of the other services listed below.

You are not alone and we are here for you. If there are any barriers to you reaching out to us or the other services, could you send us your number and we will get in contact with you.

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467

Lifeline 11 13 14

Regards,
Sophie M

monkey_magic · ‎25-09-2020

Hey Road Ends,

That was a sad post to read. Even road ends is sad. The finality of life. Thinking about it all ending. I can't say I have never felt like you do though. And like you I've stayed alive for my family. They love me too much just like your wife loves you.

Instead of focusing on the depression you could shift your focus onto other things. That is what helps me. What ive been through is tragic but if I focus on the sun on my skin, the feel of the ocean, my work day other problems go to the back of my mind. My symptoms are still there which bring me back to the problem but my focus is mainly on something else...

Gives me a good perspective.

Despite the doom and gloom there's a balance.

I also invest time in hobbies- painting, swimming etc...it all helps.

Looking at what's around you helps too. You focus on other things...

Life goes by pretty fast anyway...

I hope I've helped somewhat . Feel free to check in with us 24/7.

geoff · ‎25-09-2020

Hello Roads End, a warm welcome and thank you for posting your comment which is as monkey_magic said a very sad one.

We believe at times we are able to keep our depression at bay, hidden from those close to us or to pretend, something we've been doing for years but allowing us to show a sadness when the time is appropriate, along with other people, but when it begins to affect our relationship, work and/or social life, we simply can't solve it ourselves.

Your love for your wife of 36 years is much appreciated and I'm sure much has happened within this time, beautiful memories that will never be forgotten and times we would rather not remember.

When we talk to a friend maybe completely different when we speak to another friend because their personalities change, either agreeable with us or not, that's why we treat each friend differently depending on their circumstances.

The reason I say this is because, are you able to completely change who counsels you in another way, something that you thought you would never do, someone who can crack open a link that has never been approached.

I'm not a doctor but 'Repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation' uses uses 'magnetic fields to stimulate nerve cells in the brain to improve symptoms of depression'.

We will try our best to help you.

Take care.

Geoff.

Roads_End · ‎25-09-2020

Hi monkey-magic yes I know the methods you are mentioning but unfortunately they cant break threw, I dont think ,or focus on depression, it's just there, a constant feeling of joyless despair, I still go to work; I still socialise, still function as people would expect I should and I hide it so well no one knows unless I tell them, hell I can even tell a joke that makes everyone laugh and I'll laugh right along with them all the while totally dead inside. I know movement exercise and distraction is supposed to interrupt the negative thoughts but as I said mine is a smothering feeling of joyless despair, not any thoughts except for the ones of how to stop the despair

Roads_End · ‎25-09-2020

geoff said:
'Repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation' uses uses 'magnetic fields to stimulate nerve cells in the brain to improve symptoms of depression'.

Hi Geoff

That is about the only thing I haven't tried, I have read about it and even equired about possible gettig the treatment but the response I got was there is little evidence it helps and the nearest facility that has the equipment to do it is 4 hours drive, I forget how many sessions and frequency they said would be needed but i do remember thinking this is going to be a problem with work.I should take another look at this avenue, it was a while ago when I last checked, for all I know it may have since shown to be very effective

Ggrand · ‎25-09-2020

Hello Roads End,

I am deeply sorry that your struggling so much with your depression that you have been thinking of ending your life..That saddens me deeply...

You’re loving wife will be devastated and will always question herself and blame herself, thinking she has failed you...I am asking you to keep hold of your hope....No matter how little you feel you have left...

I agree with you..that depression is just their..always hiding in the background to take hold of us...No we don’t have to dwell or think about it because it just their..making our lives joyless, unhappily and very unhealthy with our thoughts...

We have to try to keep it at bay...Have you reached out to your wife about your thoughts... She loves you and will want to help you...

Distracting those thoughts of negativity is very very hard..but it can be done with time and effort....Playing a song that you can sing along with, will for those few minutes give your mind a rest..going for a lovely walk with your beautiful wife will also help...to calm your mind...

Sometimes a change of routine or area can help..A nice drive to another area you haven’t been to..then buying a coffee for you and your wife at a new cafe or going to a park to drink them....just things a little differently then usual...

I echo Geoff..that we simply can’t solve it ourselves and I feel we need professional help to us...Mental health is a sickness, just like broken bones or any other sickness a professional is needed to help us heal....

Sending you my kindest thoughts with care..

Grandy...

tranzcrybe · ‎25-09-2020

Hi Road's End,

How lucky you are to have your wife, and yes, your departure from this world would be the cruellest thing you could ever do to her. I have lost friends to suicide and it made me feel so ostracised from the chance to help or comfort in times of crisis. My reaction at first was not grief, but anger at the helplessness of rejection (and that only compounded my sadness).

I hope you have had this conversation with your wife and are holding nothing back about how you are feeling.

When all seems pointless, I suggest you embark on a major life upheaval - move to a new state or country and leave behind the mundane and stale. Become 'grey nomads' and relinquish the things that tie you down to reconnect with the joys of simply being.

You have presence of mind to not be self consumed. Make a positive step for both of you.

Regards,

t.

Roads_End · ‎25-09-2020

Ggrand said:
Have you reached out to your wife about your thoughts... She loves you and will want to help you...

I used to show her more of how I feel but not now, I,ve caused her enough sadness,I know she would do anything to help but there is nothing she can do so best just let her think I'm doing OK

Distracting those thoughts of negativity is very very hard..but it can be done with time and effort....Playing a song that you can sing along with, will for those few minutes give your mind a rest..going for a lovely walk with your beautiful wife will also help...to calm your mind...

Sometimes a change of routine or area can help..A nice drive to another area you haven’t been to..then buying a coffee for you and your wife at a new cafe or going to a park to drink them....just things a little differently then usual...

All good advise and sometimes it does work for a while, other times nothing can break threw but no matter what, the victories are always short and it comes back

I echo Geoff..that we simply can’t solve it ourselves and I feel we need professional help to us...Mental health is a sickness, just like broken bones or any other sickness a professional is needed to help us heal....
I've been under mental health care for 3 years since my up till then medication failed, in 3 years we have tried many things but accomplished nothing, the Doc tells me to "say confident we will get there" but what else can she say "sorry your a lost course please don't come back" I even started to get angry that they weren't helping me but I realise, if they could they would so it is what it is. If only it were a condition as simple as broken bones, I've healed from a number of those with no ill effect, beats the hell out of feeling this way continuously

Roads_End · ‎25-09-2020

tranzcrybe said:
Hi Road's End,

I hope you have had this conversation with your wife and are holding nothing back about how you are feeling.

When all seems pointless, I suggest you embark on a major life upheaval - move to a new state or country and leave behind the mundane and stale. Become 'grey nomads' and relinquish the things that tie you down to reconnect with the joys of simply being.

t.

Evening tranzcrybe's post

as mentioned last post there is no gain in upsetting my wife anymore, she truly loves me and it tears her up to see me so broken and nothing she can do to help so I have become very good at hiding from her how I really feel, it's for me as much as her as I can't stand to see the sadness in her eyes, especially when i'm the course

Your idea of a new start is appealing, I've had the urge but I think it is the old "fight or flight" response in me, I can't fight it so I'll run from it but I doubt I can run fast enough to leave depression behind.