Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

[Roads_End]

Like I have seen so many others here write "I don't know why I'm writing this" as I know the only person that can solve this is me. I've suffered depression for 40 + years, medication has helped keep the worst of it at bay, there has even been long stretchers where life is really good and the thought of ending yourself seems incomprehensible, sadly 3 years ago the good times ended, the medication that had worked for 18 years failed, all medications tried since do nothing, ECT helped for a while but didn't hold which brings me to not wanting to fight anymore, 40 years is too long, easy solution . do what I should done years ago.I know how I'll do it, i'm ready to do it, I have no fear of doing it, problem solved except for my wonderful loving wife of 36 years. I end my pain and course her grief and pain so for the last 3 years I've just sucked it up even though every minute I'm awake I wish I was dead. What the hell do I do I dont want to hurt my wife but I can go on much longer. I wouldn't want my wife to hurt and grieve due to the betrayal of suicide.
 

[Guest_1055]

Hello

It really seems you are quite a compassionate person and that you love your dear wife and that she loves and cares about you. Which is a beautiful thing to hold onto.

Hey have you considered or have you ever had like blood tests done to see if you are low in something? Like a vitamin or mineral. I was actually low in vitamin B12, and now take a supplement. If you are low in Vitamin D, I think this may cause mood type changes. Or have you had your thyroid tested? I am just throwing that out there incase it may help. Some doctors don't even test for these unless you ask them.

And I am guessing you must have a little bit of hope in you as you are reaching out on here. I just have a feeling you are going to be ok.

Shell

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Roads End.

Thanks for following up. I read your last post and think you are being very considerate, loving, and protective of your wife; although I can appreciate seeing your suffering reflected in her eyes would be hard to bear.

Would you still be of this opinion if your roles were reversed? How would you react to actions taken without your knowledge - if she left you behind, uninformed, in such circumstances?

Regarding a new start, I was thinking more along the lines of letting everything go to reconnect with simple pleasures - like sitting watching the sunset from some riverbank in the middle of nowhere, not running per se, just experiencing life without expectation.

Another thought, have you acquired a lifetime of skills (trade, finance, etc) that you could help others with? Applying your services to those in need (pro bono) can be a way of 'stepping out' of yourself for a few hours a week to give you distraction as well as purpose - volunteering can be personally rewarding. Could you see that as a way to keep the demons at bay?

If you are handy with the tools, you might even find the supportive environment of a Men's Shed could be some benefit for you personally but also as respite for your wife - you don't wish to burden her, so an objective ear could come in handy at times for you to talk and be heard when you feel inclined.

Perhaps you have already tried these things but I hope this could lead you to find some purpose for carrying on.

As long as there is a tomorrow, you have an opportunity to make a difference for better - for you and those around you.

Thanks for considering my words,

t.

[Roads_End]

Hi Shelll

Yes there was blood tests done to find a cause for my stubborn depression and a problem was found, way too high calcium in my blood caused by a hyperactive Parrathyroid. Too high calcium causes all sort of bad things to the body, one of them being depression, depression that medication cant work on, this was great news, I had to have an operation to remove the offending parrathyroid but after that the medication work again. There was a 3 month wait list but I considered myself very lucky it was only 3 months, the big day came, the faulty parrathyroid went and calcium dropped to normal with in 1/2 hour [how amazing is it that it drops that fast] I new the depression would take longer to lift so I patiently but optimistically waited, and waited and waited some more and then realised in my case getting the calcium right wasn't going to make a ants tennis shoe size of difference on my depression after all. I so wished it had, but there you go

In answer to the other question, ... No I don't believe there is any part of me left that wants to live,after 40 years of on off depression but even worse is the last 3 years where its constant unending despair, that 3 years isn't on off its miserable and joyless for every minute of the 3 years with the exception of 3 glorious months where ECT broke threw, but then it faded and life became black again, a taste of what life should be but snatched away again. I'm safe at the moment as there are thing I have to sort out for my wife's future and that will take 3 + weeks but even those 3 weeks will be a struggle,I'm finding I'm getting more and more resentful that I have to endure this world day after day, and why, because I cant do that to my wonderful loving wife.

Enough of my self sorrow negativity

Goodnight

[geoff]

Hi Roads End, the love and the infatuation for your wife is unbelievable, but unfortunately part of this maybe hidden, because at times it's so difficult to be able to relay to the person you love, the state you are in, how you are feeling due to previous occasions.

We sit by ourselves and recollect our thoughts, some we've kept and some we've half told not disclosing exactly what we're thinking, but by breaking down and explaining what this illness is doing, can well be tip of the iceberg, that solidify your relationship.

The future is for you being together, and there maybe times when the situation has been reversed and she will need all the help you can assist her with.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Roads_End]

There is going to be times when my wonderful wife is going to need me Geoff, that's a certainty, but I don't believe I will be there for her. It guts me to feel Ill leave her this way but I can't win this battle,I continue to fight the darkness, pushing threw so I can take care of things that have to be completed to make her life a little easier, but I'm losing to it more and more, the tricks learnt over 40 years cant even help push it back anymore, some days there is no pushing threw and I'm incapable of getting the urgent things done that I'm trying so hard to get done.

To all the poor souls afflicted and tormented by depression, my heart goes out to you, well I know your despair, pain and misery, the constant fight against the dark, the telling yourself "it's not that bad, suck it up, keep smiling" just to try staying above the gloom while it seems everyone else around you is blissfully unaware of how you are dieing inside. Yes well I know the curse and wish I could vancwish it from every poor soul but all I can do is hope on hope you can find rest and peace from this inner beast

[Sophie_M]

Hey Roads End, thanks for contributing to the forums tonight. We can hear how low you're feeling tonight and acknowledge how difficult it must be to manage these thoughts of suicide. It sounds like you aren't sure what to do and don't think you can cope with the emotional pain you're experiencing any longer. At times like these, ending your life might feel like the only answer, but please know there are tools available to you and a safety plan can be so helpful during these times: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning  It's also important to reach out and let someone know how you’re feeling. We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. Please check in whenever you feel up to it.

[Roads_End]

Hi Sophie_M

Thanks for your concern but it's all fine, I'm good

Kind regards Roads End

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Roads End,

Reading your post, I gather you feel you are helping your wife by preparing for your absence - but you will not be making her life easier no matter how much security you provide after you have gone. That hole in her life will never be filled, no matter how you try. Whatever your condition is, how futile you feel, you are being tricked into believing this is the only answer.

Your wife loves you for who you are now and you love her infinitely. Give up everything else, but keep the love you share, for that is enough in its entirety. Be homeless, be poor, but just be together.

t.

[Roads_End]

7 weeks or 51 days to be precise since I reached out and started this thread, 51 days just the same. just as miserable and hopeless as the last 3 years have been, nothing is going to change so why do this to myself, why keep living day after day when I absolutely hate being here. I do love my wife and yes I know it will destroy her if I give in but am I expected to live this torment for another 15 to 20 years to spare her the pain and grief, all the while hoping that some illness or accident will take me out earlier and spare me all those useless miserable years. I don't have an answer, my compassion for her keeps me from dieing when all I want to do is die, I'm just so srewed

[Sophie_M]

Hi Roads End,

We're sorry to hear that things haven't been improving for you. It sounds like you're in a dark place at the moment so we're getting in touch with you privately to check in. 

If you feel that you are at immediate risk of giving in to these urges, this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

We'd strongly urge you to be in contact with any offline supports that you might be accessing to get the treatment and support that you need in this difficult time. It would be helpful to our community if you could let them know how they can best support you, even if this is only by offering some of the kind words that they have previously.