Without Cause

[Lostat51]

Hi,

I've never put my story out for any to read or have thoughts on except my pyhcologist. I had a work place injury in August of 2022 that required surgery which I had in Feb 23. Between those two dates I started a new job and with the injury came a whole new world of not being able to do anything that I was doing and enjoying previously. I had hobbies like gym, pistol shooting and umpiring AFL not to mention all the household duties you preform without a moments thought.

So I found myself in a hole and it was getting worse, I would go into the toilet at work sit there and just cry without reason (in my own mind anyway). This happened a couple of times and I didn't want to think to much about it, then it started happening everyday, then a couple of times a day to the point I couldn't go to work. So my doctor put me on anti depression medication and referred me to a phycologist. There I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder and severe depression, with no capacity to work my new employer let me go in the January of 23 which I couldn't blame them as I couldn't do the job they had hired me to do.

I had surgery and was progressing really well until I went to host employer where I unfortunately over did it and re injured the shoulder. I was improving both mentally and physically until this point. The surgeon couldn't operate any further and recommended a shoulder joint replacement. That part of my w/cover claim ceased however I was still being treated for the mental health part as it is a secondary compaonant due to the initial injury.

During that time until now I have had 2 episodes (that's what I call them) where I have found myself standing in front of all my pills as I take quite a lot of pills for pain and inflamation along with other drugs for migraine relief and prevention, shaking, crying, and wanting to end my life. I don't know how many other people have had this feeling where it's like the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other but that's how it felt like a big fight between the 2 and so far the angel has won.

I have started a new job into my 4th week and I've had 6 days off with stomach issues (stress maybe) doctor has sent me for a lot of tests so not sure what it is yet. Deep down I think since it's been 2 years that I'm just struggling with the whole normality of life and with a few other family issues on top that I also don't know how to handle I'm starting to feel like that hole is opening up and swolling me.

[therising]

Hi Lostat51

It sounds like you're facing so many challenges on so many levels. I feel so deeply for you as you try hard to pick them all apart and manage them.

It might sound a little trite or simplistic but one thing I've come to learn over the years, when it comes to depression, is it pays to wonder. Whether the challenges faced relate to physical issues, mental issues or even what feels like soul destroying issues, wondering (as opposed to making statements) can tend to get us further when it comes to shedding light on things

• 'I wonder why I'm physically suffering so much, how my chemistry, nervous system etc all play a part in that' vs 'I am someone who's destined to suffer. So, what's the point of life if all I'm going to do is suffering through it?!'
• 'I wonder what my inner dialogue's about, how it works and how I can master managing it like a pro' vs 'I am hopeless, when it comes to how I think'
• 'I wonder who I naturally am and how I'm naturally meant to move through my challenges in life, including the massive challenges' vs 'I can't live anymore'

Being seriously complex creatures, there is a heck of a lot worth wondering about. I have to say it often pays to have someone in our life who is going to wonder with us or lead us to wonder in a lot of constructive ways.

How often are we led to wonder about the unique kind of grief that can come with losing aspects of our self? How often are we led to wonder about the kinds of strategies it takes to develop new aspects of our self, while we work on bringing them to life (filling the void)? We may never be led to wonder about pain and inflammation until there's no choice but to address such things. What things, situations or people tend to stress us or enrage us (inflaming things), triggering inflammatory responses? What does short term occasional higher than normal doses of pain relief offer us? At the very least they can break the pain cycle, something perhaps worth researching. Breaking the pain cycle doesn't just offer physical relief, it can change things mentally for us as well. And when it comes to inner dialogue, there is definitely a lot to wonder about there.

When it comes to the old 'angel on one shoulder, devil on the other', we may never be led to wonder about how to tap into the more angelic side while also managing the devilish side. Then, one day, we find we have no choice but to wonder about how to manage such things. How to get a feel for which side's which can be a good start. One side feels depressing, the other feels inspiring ('You're never going to get better, so what's the point?!' vs 'You need to find someone who is able to lead you through and out of what is feeling unbearable'). One side offers the worst advice, the other offers the best advice under the circumstances ('Just have a few drinks and everything will be fine' vs 'You need to find someone who can relate to what you're going through'). One side tends to be more about truth, the other tends to be more about lies ('You are currently facing the greatest challenge of your life and it is exhausting you' vs 'You're failing to manage because you're weak'). So, you could say the devilish side is depressing, always gives the worst advice and tends to constantly lie and simply can't be trusted. On the other hand (or should that be the other shoulder), more divine guidance can take practice in tapping into, especially when pain and/or depression are factors. It can be hard to hear through pain and sadness.