I'm Scared

[Lostat51]

So I woke up today, people say if you wake up then it's a good  day, I'm not convinced. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about this as yet not even my phycologist, that might change before my next appointment maybe not. I had an episode this morning after waking up where I was laying in bed feeling shit and sorry for myself, feeling worthless, unwanted all the normal feelings. I sat there crying and running through my head all the people that say when they hear that you're going through a tough time just reach out. You know what reaching out is the last thing I feel like doing burdening people with my shit. To be honest if they really cared why wouldn't they pick the phone up or jump in the car and check in, my reasoning is they just don't care. My family that I put so much love into really don't give two shits about me either the grandchildren that I adore wouldn't remember me anyway so all this running through my head the devil on the shoulder telling me fuck it just do it end it all. This time the angels voice was silent so I attempted to do so... it scared the shit out of me and then I stopped myself.

I still don't know why I got to this point again or why I stopped myself I just hate where I am and I want it to stop. I'm sick of hearing how I can fix it I just don't have the bloody energy anymore.

Thanks for listening.

[therising]

Hi Lostat51

I think when inner dialogue takes on a life threatening nature, it's time to reach out to someone because it can be hard if not impossible to manage alone. Reaching out to people who can relate can be a start.

Based on my own experience with depression, I've come to see a depression as being a well-like experience. In life we could be flying high or we could be well grounded and then there is what can feel like under ground or a  depression. It can be hard to know when we're on the brink. It can also be hard to know when we're a little way into the well or depression but at some point we'll feel our self in there. There's absolutely no denying we're in a depression when we hit rock bottom. It's the darkest, most depressing and loneliest point. I've been there myself. When people speak of the light at the end of the tunnel, flip that tunnel sideways and it becomes the light at the top of the tunnel. At rock bottom, there doesn't appear to be even a pinprick of light. For someone to come down and shed light on things is what can make some difference. Perhaps your psychologist is the person to be able to do this for you or maybe someone on the forums here. If you have a family member who has experienced depression for themself, perhaps they could be the person to help shed light in the  depression you face.

I know I touched on in another post the 'angel on one shoulder, devil on the other' factor when it comes to inner dialogue but I'm not sure if I mentioned how incredibly serious it can get. Whether we label this kind of inner dialogue as 'divine vs not so divine', 'our inner sage vs our inner critic' or we call it something else, what is not so divine or what can be super critical has ways of bringing us down even further. Something to become conscious of, for example, is 'list making'. When the inner dialogue becomes 'Think of all the times you've been left alone to work things out for yourself', this tends to trigger what ends up being a list of depressing things. The longer the list, the more depressing it can become. I've found if there's one thing the not so divine or inner critic thrives on it's lists. On the other hand, that little angel on the other shoulder or our inner sage may insist 'All those times no one appeared to raise you, you raised your self and you have got to be proud of that because it can be far from an easy thing to do'. What may also come to mind, from the more positive side is 'It's gotten to the point where you can't manage this alone and that's okay because some things in life are not meant to be managed alone. This is one of them'.❤️

[Lostat51]

Hi there,

Firstly thank you for taking the time to read my post and then the time to reply. Funny thing with me right now is I hear what my therapist tells me, my wife, good people like yourself and in my heart of heart of hearts I know the things to do that will help me it's just that I feel like I don't have the energy to fight for myself anymore as I don't see the point.

That's my challenge right now finding a reason to fight for myself....

[therising]

A depressing lack of energy can definitely be brutal, to say the least. I tend to look at it as 'If plenty of energy is the feeling of life itself running through me, just enough to keep me alive does not feel like life at all'. In fact, in can feel like the opposite of being alive. It's such a horrible feeling, so incredibly debilitating.

Depression has led me to become somewhat of a detective over the years and researcher of energy in it's many different forms. I'd say this has stemmed from a serious lack of energy being one of my major triggers for depression. It just got to a point where I no longer accepted 'a lack of energy is a side effect of depression'. It became more about 'depression can be a side effect of a lack of energy'. Now, the question tends to be 'What type of energy am I lacking, to the point where it's depressing?'. Is it a lack of dopamine, serotonin or the type of energy that comes with significant amounts of inspiration that can actually be felt? Is it hydro power (water for every cell in my body to thrive on), solar power (vitamin D), kinetic energy (exercising energy to create more energy), nuclear power (unprocessed foods that receive natural chemical energy from the earth) or is it something else? Could it be related to a lack of iron based energy or B12 based energy or maybe a lack of all the right chemical energy that comes from good quality sleep? I have to say sleep apnea is a definite energy zapper. So, with dozens and dozens and dozens of different contributing factors when it comes to a depressing lack of energy, I think sometimes it's just not enough for a GP or specialist to say to us 'A lack of energy is simply a side effect of depression'. It may make more sense to say that a depressing lack of energy, where you can't feel life running through you, is naturally depressing. Hope that makes sense.

Quantum physics is a whole other fascinating part of the rabbit hole. If every cell in our body is designed to thrive at a certain frequency and with a healthy volume of energy, 'How to seriously excite those cells, to the point where you can feel their excitement?' can be a valid question and an interesting area of research. Feeling in (a state of) charge vs feeling like a flat battery are 2 very different experiences, that's for sure.