What next?

[Mysteryc]

Hello, I haven’t done one of these post things before so I am just going to go ahead and splurge my thoughts out. I am a 17yr old boy that’s about to graduate high school in a couple of weeks. I have been suffering from depression my whole life basically. From being bullied throughout my primary school years which created bad habits for me like being shy, isolation from everyone, and overthinking every life decision. Things only got worse when my parents divorced when I was 14 because my dad wasn’t feeling happy and decided to cheat on my mum. I went through years of pain mentally and tried so many things to try coping. I have been doing therapy for 3yrs and have been through 4 different therapists. I was prescribed anti depressants by my GP a year after my parents divorce, which has been changed either being moved up a dose or being completely a different type of depressant. I have struggled so much and I find it hard to tell people. I was able to tell my mates about everything that’s been going on but then idk what to do next. I am at the point of not knowing what to do next. I feel like I have tried everything to keep me distracted, and help me cope. But nothing works. I did a post years ago on a forum and I was only given replies that weren’t really helpful. And yes, I have attempted suicide, twice. First time I was able to stop my inner demons. Second time I was saved by a random stranger, I never saw again after the incident. I am just so lost and am really hoping that I can get some advice or just positivity or something because I am completely lost and confused.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Mysteryc,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue online forums. It was so brave of you to reach out here. We can understand how difficult it must be to feel like you've been through years of pain. It sounds like it can be really hard to tell people what's going on, but you've made an amazing post here today, so we hope you can count that as a success. We're certainly glad that you've shared this with the community, you never know who will spot your post and be able to relate and feel understood. 

We're going to check in with you privately to make sure you're ok, and offer some ideas for support, we hope that's ok. If you'd like to talk things through with someone now, we’d suggest reaching out to ourselves on the number at the bottom of the page, or reaching out to Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800). They offer free phone counselling services 24/7 or you could contact that via email or webchat through their website: https://kidshelpline.com.au/

Thanks again for being open and sharing with this amazing community. Hopefully, someone will spot your post at some point, and may drop by and share their thoughts with you.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Petal22]

Hi MysteryC,

Wellcome to our forums.

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it’s hard.

Im sorry you have attempted suicide twice in your life the second time a stranger saved you…. I believe this stranger was an angel from God…It wasn’t your time and you have so much to still live for in you life… great things are going to happen for you.

Please start believing in yourself and give yourself self love and positive self talk.

Im sorry you where bullied at school but please know this was a reflection of the bullies and not you.

I understand depression can be a really hard thing to go through.

Im sorry your parents divorced but this was something between your parents none of it was your fault.

Have you thought about trying to forgive yourself? Sometimes we internalise things that we shouldn’t have and in some way we internally take in blame.

Please forgive your self because once you can do this it will replace a space for healing.

Please come back to us when you are ready. 🙏

[therising]

Hi Mysteryc

My heart goes out to you as you continue to suffer in such unbearable ways. No one should have to remain in such ongoing sufferance. I'm glad you came back here, for this is something you shouldn't have to face alone.

You obviously have 2 outstanding abilities - you're able to feel and analyse. I'm mum to a 17yo son who holds the same abilities. The ability to feel can relate to feeling the nature of a person (bully included), the nature of a situation (depressing or inspiring), the nature of an environment etc. When it comes to 'feeling our way through life' it's definitely not all rainbows and glitter, that's for sure. You felt the impact of your dad's infidelity, possibly your mum's anger and sufferance, some emotional mismanagement in the divorce (when it came to helping you through it), the impact of the depressing nature of bullies (something my son also faced for years).

Thinking/analysis: Consider the brain as a processor/calculator. It'll process/calculate all that's related to what's inside and outside of us. While it calculates our required blood pressure, lung function etc, it also calculates our environment and experiences in relation to our belief systems. The interesting part comes down to...you can feel when a belief system is wrong or outdated and needs to go. It can feel depressing. Out of 2 very different beliefs, 'I am weak and bullies can spot that' vs 'I have the ability to feel the nature and impact of the mentally disturbed people who bully me' which one feels or rings true and which one feels wrong? Imagine saying to a bully 'You know I can feel your depressing nature. What the hell is all that about? Do you know why you can't control yourself?'.🤔

While you're in the process of mastering your abilities, do you feel you're lacking the right person to help you with developing greater self understanding and self mastery?