Wanting to just sleep and not wake up.

[A_tired_person]

I've been having thoughts for the last few years regarding death and/or suicide. I tend to think almost constantly 'what if i just sleep and not wake up?' or 'i hope i just die in my sleep.'. I don't want to actively take my life, i just want random chance to do it for me.

I've tried therapy a few years ago, but it's had no effect. i've been diagnosed with anxiety and autism, but i don't know if i have depression as well. I just hope that things will get better for me, i'm just tired all of the time. Not physically tired, but mentally and emotionally tired.

[Sophie_M]

Hi A tired person,

We are sorry to hear you have been feeling this way. Thank you for being part of our forums, it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we are so glad that you have done so. We hope that you can get some support here, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can also reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14.  We have sent you a private email so that we can support you further.
 

[Adalaide]

Hi!

This post has resonated with me quite a lot as it is something that I experienced quite often when I was in the pits of my mental health issues.

Finding those little things in life that make waking up and living worth doing is so important. I used to have no hobbies or anything that I could do for fun which made everyday feel like one chore after another. Once I began to implement those strategies into my day-to-day life it made those feelings more and more scarce.

I really recommend seeing a professional to help you find some strategies to cope with these feelings.

I hope this helps!

[Baljit]

Hi,

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way.

Your post as hit a personal nerve as your thoughts mirrored exactly what I was thinking and feeling for a period of a few months.

I was able to seek medical advise, and with the support of medication and counselling these thoughts started to diminish.

Also, over the last few years and in particular the last 18 months with the COVID pandemic, the views of medical professionals has changed for the positive as well as the treatment, and it is continuing to evolve at pace.

As part of my counselling the key turning point for me was discussing, producing and implementing a number of strategies, with the support from my counsellor:

1. The most important one was that I needed to start loving myself again by eliminating the self-criticism thoughts I was experiencing and converting them into positive thoughts.

2. Reconnecting with family and friends.

3. The introduction of meditation this has positively improved my mindset.

4. Installing a sense of purpose and responsibility and hence I bought a puppy, which has been fantastic as it has improved both my family life and physical and mental health.

I hope this helps💪.

Keep safe and best regards,

Baljit

[therising]

Hi A tired person

I feel for you so much as you try so hard to make sense of things, including why you feel the way you do.

In recent years, a lot of productive outside the square research has been done when it comes to the autism spectrum. A lot of this research doesn't focus on what's wrong with someone on the spectrum, in fact it's the opposite. It's more about focusing on the outstanding abilities of someone on the spectrum. For example, you can find truly brilliant people in the music industry who are diagnosed with autism. Their brilliance is based on their sensitivity to sound. You can have people who make incredible analysts based on their ability to analyse in great detail, without emotion getting in the way. Some have the most outstanding imagination, with the ability to draw on paper or write a novel based on what they clearly see in their mind. Then there are those whose incredible levels of activity (bordering on hyperactivity) make them the greatest of athletes or adventurers. While the old style medical view of autism can be depressing, an entirely different view sees people on the spectrum as having incredibly natural or super natural abilities that the rest of us just don't possess.

I've heard it said before that it's an imbalance which can create the greatest problems at times. Lockdowns have created an undeniable imbalance for many people. Even without lockdowns, for a hyperactive person who is lacking in ways to express or release that hyperactivity, things can become depressing. For someone with the ability to hear so much so clearly, it is a world filled with noisy intolerable brightly lit shopping centres, where the sound is overwhelming. Even outdoors, with the sound of the traffic, combined with the neighbours whipper snipper, combined with the kids over the back fence screaming with delight in their pool (while their dog is barking with excitement)...it can be a noisy world which can take us to the brink of insanity. And the focus it takes to complete even the simplest of tasks can be lacking when things are out of balance, when what we favour is imagining 24/7 finally being out of lockdown. With focus and imagination, the imbalance can be mind altering at times.

Your ability to easily feel stress and your ability to easily feel when you're being pushed to rise to courage must be so challenging. Has anyone led you to wonder about all the abilities you have, including your ability to feel when you have virtually no energy?

[smallwolf]

Hello there.

I noticed you said you tried therapy and felt as though you didn't benefit from it. I am sorry to hear that. I won't ask how long you were in therapy. It has been a continual journey to get to this point. And yes it is not cheap. The other things is rapport between the therapist and you.

Is there anything from that time you remember that worked for you?

That feeling of wanting to be asleep always is a time and place I have been. I had lost interest in many things, thought myself a failure, that I was the cause of everything going wrong. I am unsure what brought you to think this way?

I hope you might be able to tell me a little more of your story. Listening to you.

[A_tired_person]

Hey smallwolf.

Sorry that i haven't replied.

I probably started thinking this way since year 8, after being in year 7 AIP (Attitude Improvement Program) and being subject to a year of bullying. Ever since i've been getting highs and lows, but the highs and getting lower and the lows are getting lower too. Therapy is hard since our family doesn't really earn that much and nobody's available to take me to it.

While i was in this time i've found that talking to people online really helps. I'm happy to see everyone being so helpful and i'm glad all of you took the time to talk to me. I've been mainly playing video games as a way to escape.

I've also put off telling my family that i might have depression, as they think that i'm just lazy for not doing much at home and i'm afraid they'll just wave it away as attention-seeking. it's mainly just the feeling and thought of 'i just can't be bothered dealing with this possibility, so i'll just deal with it.'

[therising]

Hi A tired person

As a mum and as someone who faced the challenges of managing depression for a number of years earlier in my life, one of my mantras is 'The guidance required for living should never stop for our children or our self'. It sounds like your parents have been open to having you receive guidance in the past. It sounds like it's time for you to speak to them again about this new need for further guidance.

Parents can be a little slow on the uptake sometimes, myself included. When my son first came to me about his desire for an official diagnosis which would help explain his struggles with school, he asked me to help set him up with a professional. I insisted he just needed to implement better focus/learning strategies. After asking me a few times, he felt disheartened. It was his sister who sat me down and spoke to me about his deep desire for help (something he'd more openly spoken of to her). It was then that I offered my son my deepest apology before setting up an appointment. As I say, parents can be a bit slow sometimes. A lot depends on their child's ability to express how much they're feeling the challenge they face. To clearly express their level of challenge or sufferance, without holding back is important. So, while you may say to your parents something like 'I just don't have the energy to do stuff and I'm feeling really down', this may not make it clear enough for them. On the other hand, to say 'I feel so depressed to the point where I have no energy and video games are pretty much the only thing keeping me going' may make it much clearer in your parents' minds, regarding your level of struggle.

If there's one thing parenting has taught me over the years it's this - If there appears to be no way to help make a difference, it's a parent's job to find a way. This is one of the factors that makes parenting so challenging. As parents, we grow significantly through our children's challenges. It's our kids who lead us to evolve so much.

You deserve the guidance you so desperately need, there's no doubt about it. I believe it's constructive guidance that can lead us to find the best in our self and help us make far better sense of our challenges.

🙂

[smallwolf]

hello.

I am thinking back to my teen years, or that of my son .... it is unfortunate that some of our behaviours can be viewed as the "lazy" even when we are not. And you have to remember your family see you everyday and won't really notice too much too much difference. That does not mean you should not talk your one of parents at least. Maybe you are not ready right now. Dunno. But you also had the courage to post here also... and that takes guts!

Are you still in school? If so, have you spoken with one of the counselors at school?

what video games do you play? What other activities do you enjoy?

[A_tired_person]

Hey smallwolf.

Yes, i am still in school, but i don't bother with the counsellor as every time i've tried going there they say the same things over and over. I'd like to try again but i'm afraid i'll just get but on a suicide prevention plan.

i usually tend to play either action games or colony management games. One i like is called Rimworld, it's where you control(?) a group of survivors and survive as a colony.

I'd also like to say that i opened up a bit to one of my teachers, and when i got home from school my mother asked me about it, and said that going to the doctor means i'd get antidepressant drugs that'd mess up my brain.

That's why i'm disheartened about it. She always thinks that it's either being lazy or going too far. I'm trying to get a GP at least to get some form of diagnosis.

On the bright side, i have a support worker from the autism association who has previous experience being a psychologist, who meets me at school for an hour every wednesday. I have a list of the symptoms i'm currently dealing with. Here it is copy+pasted:

• Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day.
• Used to love reading, now totally disintrested. Getting bored of video games.
• Sometimes no appetite, sometimes ravenous
• Taking longer to form a thought or answer in my head.
• Want to be in bed a lot, no energy.
• Feel worthless + Lazy. Feel like a burden.
• Not able to concentrate of school, homework, books, or long activities.
• Thoughts of going to sleep + Not waking up. Wanting to be in a coma almost every day. Regular thoughts of self-harm.

Again, thank you for replying to me, i apologise for putting off/procrastinating on discussions like this.