TW: Thought of living

[KindSoul88]

To some people, those that aren’t suffering from depression and suicidal ideation and urges, would probably say ‘life is great, life is worth living for so and so fort’ unfortunately that’s not the case for me and to a few who suffers like me. I wish I can say life is wonderful and worth fighting for but that isn’t the case… no matter how hard I try I keep stumbling downhill, no matter how hard I pretend that everything is good I just find myself more disappointed and more motivated to end my own life… I think that’s what it is right now, I feel that no one can save me, it is what it is...

[Sophie_M]

Hey KindSoul88,

Thank you for sharing this update. We're sorry to hear you're not feeling understood by some of those around you. That must be really isolating, but we're glad you're able to share what's going on for you here. 

You've got through some incredibly difficult moments recently, is there anything you could share here that has helped you through? We're sure your friends here on your thread would be keen to hear it. We'd also love to hear what you thought of the link smallwolf recently shared with you: Beyond Blue's pages on self harm and self injury

Please continue to reach out to your care team whenever you're dealing with thoughts like this. We are also available anytime 24/7 by phone 1300 22 4636 or through Beyond Blue Online Chat. Beyond Blue also have a safety planning app for thoughts of suicide, please have a look: Click here for more info. You don’t have to face these thoughts and concerns on your own, we’re here for you.
 
Please always remember to contact Emergency Services on 000 if you feel unsafe or at risk of acting on your suicidal thoughts.

Thanks again for reaching out and sharing an update, KindSoul88.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi KindSoul

It sounds like one of the key issues is the hospital discharges you without any resources that you feel would serve you? Keeping in mind I'm 52, I'm going back a bit when I recall being discharged from hospital in my mid 20s in relation to a depression related incident. While they did a brilliant job in helping me physically recover and had a psychiatrist speak to me about my mental challenges, I basically left to return to a life that was still soul destroying in a variety of ways. Wasn't until some years later that I found the thing that took me out of 15 or so years in depression. It was the one resource that made all the difference.

I think a lot, with mental health challenges, comes down to resources. Sophie's given you some to check out which may make some difference. While I left long term depression behind me years ago, I still experience periods of depression which I couldn't possibly make my way through without solid resources being in place. The majority I'd say would have to be learning resources. My theory is if I want to learn how to manage myself and my challenges on a mental, physical and even soulful level, I have to know how I work, how life works and how the connection between the 2 works in a number of ways. Also knowing how I don't work well under certain circumstances is just as important.

If we were a part of a group of highly sensitive people who could all easily sense/feel the nature of what we face in life, pretty much every one of us would find the same things naturally depressing (based on this being in our nature). Unfortunately, it can seem like we're feeling our way through life largely on our own, with few to none validating this sometime deeply depressing ability to feel so intensely. 

Sounds a bit strange but if someone gave you a compass and said 'Within this compass, there is every single feeling you will need in order to navigate your way through life', how would you use it? What would the instruction manual look like? What would the wrong way feel like? What would the right way or best direction feel like? What would coming to a place which was positively mind altering feel like?

[KindSoul88]

I’ve tried reaching out to every possible service that could or should be able to help but why do I still feel that I’m alone at this? I don’t seem to get the right help that I possibly need., I really do appreciate the people in this forum that gave some sound advice, sometimes it makes me feel less lonely at this…

[therising]

Hi KindSoul

Not sure if it's relatable but sometimes I find certain communities that mean well and/or are designed to help don't have the kind of warmth or understanding I really need when I'm in a pretty dark place. It's like I can have a medical community of people who might be able to help to some degree but without really soulful heartfelt guidance there can be a sense of detachment in a way. On the other hand there can be a really soulful community who can relate to how I feel and that community can make such a huge difference, especially if I need people to feel for me, feel how I feel. I suppose in a way it's like the difference between simply being given direction vs being given direction while all these people hold this warm and guiding light for you at the same time. You can just feel them beside you. That feeling of loneliness disappears with such people.

I suppose this is why, over the years, I've tended to gravitate toward more soulful communities. While this is not everyone's cup of tea, I find I'd much rather speak to a kind of guidance counselor for the soul in a way rather than one for the mind. Of course, if the issues are more physically related to depression, I'll consult a physician. I think it's over time and through not being able to tolerate what doesn't work that we begin looking outside the square for what might work, what could possibly work.