Trying to overcome these feelings.

[Neeky85]

I have had anxiety and depression since I was little, I am now 39. I go through stages that I like to call "episodes" where my depression and anxiety are quite back but I have always been able to get myself out of it and into a better headspace. That was until September last year. I have struggled with some losses in my life( I lost our cat and that loss consumes me heavily to this day), my husband and I are dealing with a really nasty family member, we lost some family members, we lost another fur baby 2 months ago, I used to be sooo close with my sister she is my best friend( but I feel like we aren't close anymore) and I have really been diagnosed with a health issue that is taking some time to adjust to.

I usually love going to see my friends and going out, but the last few months all I want to do is hibernate at home with our cats.

Of last I have these thought of "What's my purpose in life"? I feel like no one really needs me. Which then has me thinking if I wasn't here although people would be sad at first, they would be ok in the end. My husband would have our cats and friends and in time could find someone else to spend his life with who has less issues, my parents have their new life in QLD with their close friends and my sister has her son and husband. 

I was without work for a few months and I recently got a job, which I thought would be great for my mental health and I would be able to help my husband financially, but I get such anxiety every day thinking about having to go into work. I can't sleep properly, I feel sick in my stomach, can't eat properly, end up with migraines. I feel like I'm not ready to face the world. 

I was hoping people could offer me some advice or techniques on how they get through this?!

I used to have my own techniques and was able to overcome these feelings, but I feel I'm to far down and am struggling a bit this time round. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

We have a lot in common. Battling depression and other mental health issues needs a multi ponged approach. Correct meds/dosage, therapy, relaxed environment, ridding your life of toxic members, hobbies and sport for distraction and a loving relationship for some including pets.

The Aussie singer Missy Higgins once said "I look upon friendships as "fluid", they come and they go". Once you allow for that movement you'll accept better when they drift off and others come in to fill the void. Same goes for relatives however you must set your boundaries of acceptable behaviour. In my case my mother and later my sister had techniques that seemed narcissistic, triangulating people and emotional blackmail. Once pointed out the evil of this when they used it against me I had to make a stand and it wasnt easy, I cut all contact. It was the best thing I could do. I lost several relatives due to them talking ill of me, exaggerating and even lying about me. I also found that a few close friends got closer, one older lady became my new mother! 

"What's my purpose in life"?  I understand this. I searched for years. Eventually I found two things that fulfilled me- fun and helping others. "Fun" in the form (for me) building things and riding them (trikes) and the other helping others here and in our community - in my own way. "In my own way" did not include clubs but more individual ways. I write poetry so approaching Anzac day will get one published in the local newspaper etc. By all means I encourage you to seek your path to fulfillment, keep thinking. Also have an interest eg we do caravanning several times a year.

You attempted to get a job and were successful, well done. However we with mental health issues need to remind ourselves that the reality of the symptoms of our illness eludes us, we think we can do things when in the medium/long term it doesnt work out. This elusion of ability is common. What we need to assess is what is reality with our abilities eg part time work or 2 part time jobs is better because 8 hours is a long time for us, part time allows for a change in environment more often which distracts us. A home business can work best but not one with heavy financial commitment that can cause more issues. See how there is pitfalls in everything we choose? 

Your "episodes" are cycles often mentioned in these pages. So I've listed below threads you can read, only the first page is needed to understand some ideas.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/td-p/149708

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/are-you-good-enough-low-self-esteem/td-p/560372

Reply anytime, I'd like to chat more.

TonyWK

[Tess]

Hi Neeky85

I honestly thought I was reading my own story when I read your post. So much resonated with me. I also experience what you call “episodes”; experiencing depression, anxiety and suicidal distress periodically. I’ve had different coping strategies along the way - many in my younger years would not have been described as particularly helpful, but they were coping strategies nonetheless. I think our coping strategies, when managing chronic distress, do evolve along the way, as we have other supports move in and out of our lives, and as our own internal world changes. But I don’t feel that they can ever stay static. What worked at 25yo might not work at 40yo. 
It can be quite frightening when the old strategies no longer work for us. When we get left without that back up. Might it be that the old strategies need some tweaking, some upgrading? I don’t know what that might look like for you, as I don’t know what your existing strategies are. But it’s worth a look. Thinking outside the usual might allow room for expansion or evolution of your personal coping strategies.

In the meantime, while you review your coping strategies, can I just suggest that you narrow your perspective and focus on just getting through each day. All of the other stuff can wait, but bring the focus right back to “What do I need to do or what can I do to make it safely through today?”. Literally one day at a time. Taking too wide a view at times like this can often leave us feeling like failures and questioning our purpose, and can be very overwhelming. Focusing on a day by day approach might take the pressure off to “get it all right, right now”.
I recently also had an episode, after 5yrs of relative stability, and dipped very low. While not entirely out of the woods yet, bringing my perspective back to a day by day approach has helped me. Instead of worrying about how I was going to get through the next week or month or year and how I was going to fix all I felt was wrong in my life right now, I just focused on how I was going to get through today safely. I don’t yet have my own answers to “what is my purpose” or “where to from here”, but practising a daily approach has both taken some pressure off and allowed me a few small “wins” to help build myself back up - i.e. I made it through Monday. 
Not sure if this helps at all, but know that you are not alone