[Trigger Warning] I am feeling lost. Please help...

[Russian_Red_Foxx]

Please help. I am really struggling to find reasons to live. In the last six months, I have attempted suicide twice along with a number of attempts at self-harm. Just a few months ago, I ended up having to go to hospital in the back of an ambulance because I had a severe anxiety attack. So far, it has been getting progressively worse and I have no idea what to do. I am feeling extremely lost inside and I am unsure about where or how I can get help. This was the only place I could think of as I don't have a phone and it upsets my friends every time I talk to them about something like this. Often, talking to my parents struggles to get me anywhere as I sometimes struggle to get along. I also lack access to teachers and councellors at school as I am on a shortened timetable. I find that one fix is consuming caffiene, which only works temporarily. I hear that it can give you anxiety. Bullying has also been a severe issue for me. Particularly because it was my best friend from last year who kept picking on me. I am really finding it difficult to get help and I am just lost. Please leave your ideas in the comments.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Russian_Red_Foxx,

Welcome to the forums, we are so thankful that you've taken such a brave and important step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our friendly community. We're so sorry to hear what you've been through these past 6 months, and can hear how painful and overwhelming these feelings must be to cope with. We hope that you find these forums to be a safe space, free of judgement to talk things through, and our community is here to help offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We are also currently reaching out to you through email as we are worried about you. 

You've shown so much strength in reaching out here for help and support, and please know that there's always somewhere to turn to when you're feeling this low. We'd really encourage you to reach out to our friends at Kids Helpline- they are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under, and are available 24/7 on 1800 55 1800 or also through their online chat if you'd prefer to talk online: https://kidshelpline.com.au/ One of the friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals to help you through this difficult time. We’d also welcome you to reach out to the supportive counsellors at Lifeline on 13 11 14 or through their online chat at: https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/ whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with.

You're never alone here, and there will be many of our members who can relate to what you're going through and really do understand. Hopefully a few of them will pop by soon with words of support and advice to help you during this really difficult time. Please feel free to keep updating us on how you're going, whenever you feel up to it. We're all here to help you through this.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Russian_Red_Foxx,

You need someone to talk to when parents and friends don't recognise what's going on inside. Here at the BB forums, you can say whatever you feel to get your thoughts out from spinning in your head.

The last 6 months have really brought you to a crisis point, so thank you for reaching out now. Do you feel this has all come about from the bullying?

Please have a chat with us, as you will find much support and comfort here.

Kind regards,

t.

[geoff]

Hello Russian_Red_Foxx, thank you for having the courage to post your comment, unfortunately, there are many others who want to start a new thread or join an existing one who almost decides to post one but are too frightened to follow through, and that's a great shame.

When we feel like this, our friends seem to disappear, only because what they have said back to you hasn't made any difference in how you are feeling, so they make the decision and lose contact, so we can't necessarily blame them, it's just they don't understand going through this feels.

It's also true that your best friend may turn against you and it seems like a betrayal because the two of you always sorted out each other problems, don't give up on them, there's every chance it may become stronger.

Parents are different, sometimes we're frightened to mention it or how they will respond, so there is every chance we hold back, don't tell them anything and keep on pretending, the trouble is they notice the change in moods and our behaviour and ask us 'how are you feeling, you don't have the usual spark'.

If you are comfortable with your doctor and they understand what you are struggling with, you could ask them to talk to your parents, although this may have happened before after being admitted to hospital.

Please don't be afraid, all of us have had to try and cope with our type of depression and are really happy talking with you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Russian_Red_Foxx]

I mentioned in my previous post that I struggle to get along with family. Particularly my sister. This is mainly because she makes fun of me having depression and anxiety. I get that she may not understand because she is only 9 years old but no matter how many times I have told her to stop, she keeps doing it. Whenever I mention the name of a game or TV show that she doesn't like, she interrupts me and begins a rant about how it is 'disgusting' and 'wrong'. She always seems to be worried about the things I purchase with my own money. When in the same room, it is very rare that we won't be arguing and I feel that my parents are not firm enough with her, but I have never been able to speak up about it because I immediately get shut down. Sometimes, she acts like all of my suicide problems are fake and tries to push it. I often get suicidal thoughts and feeling just from her being in the same building. I try to spend as much time as possible away from her but when I have no choice, I start feeling really uncomfortable and depressed. Sometimes, I feel that she would spit on my body if she could. I feel trapped with her in my life and I plan to cut all contact with her when I move out but until that happens, I am seriously struggling. I feel that I need to prove to her that my problems are not fake but last time I did it, (which put me in hospital I might add) she didn't believe me. I feel that she enjoys watching me burn and when I try to talk to her about it, it turns into a full-blown argument. Often when I see her, I feel the need to kill myself right at that moment. When I do try and have fun with her, it always ends with her crying over something small. She also tries to force her opinions upon me and I feel that I don't have the right to speak when she is nearby. It may be because sometimes I am a little bit rough with her but she always seems to overreact. Please help, I am lost and have no idea what to do. I would try to apologise but she never wants to listen.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Russian Red Foxx,

We're sorry to hear that you have such a difficult relationship with your sister and that you feel this is worsening your mental health. It sounds really stressful. Have you tried speaking about this with your parents?

You might be interested in taking a look at this Reach Out page on "Conflict with family" - https://au.reachout.com/articles/conflict-with-family

It sounds like you've had some really overwhelming experiences lately. Can we ask if you are accessing any mental health support at the moment? Please do remember that Kids Helpline are available 24/7 on 1800 55 1800 or https://kidshelpline.com.au/ 

Please remember that there is always support available to you. We hope that you can take some space from your sister tonight and do something that brings you some comfort, like watching a movie or taking a long shower or bath.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi RR Foxx,

Thank you for sharing this deeply felt struggle. I hope we can help to unburden you a little.

I know how annoying siblings can be, and I think most can relate to the competitivity that exists in the family dynamic - your sister is being immature... because she is. But you are being immature by allowing her to push your buttons - and she knows just how to grind your gears. This is the way she brings you down to her level.

However, despite all this, I don't believe your sister despises you on any deeper level than a puppy (fox?) that nips the ears of the elder member - playful, provocative, and downright annoying, depending very much on your own particular mood at the time. Either way, it is affecting you and causing much inner turmoil that you can do without.

You don't need to prove anything to your sister, nor do you have to explain yourself or your actions to a child who will ultimately use this information against you (as children do) - getting a 9 year old to see reason is giving her too much credit at this age. In time, she too will acquire maturity to better process your feelings and her own insensitivities, so I wouldn't close that door just yet. When the chips are down, it can really bring families closer, and 9 years is not long enough to judge as person's character for the rest of their life.

Kind regards,

t.

[geoff]

Hello Russian_Red_Foxx, I agree with Tranzcrybe, your sister is so young and definitely inexperienced, but still has her opinion only comparing her own life to what you are going through, but bullying can come from any age.

As she is 9 years old she may get preference over you only because of her young age but has no idea of what you are thinking/feeling can not be fake, but actually real.

Her life will develop as it progresses and learn, not only for herself but with her girlfriends who may also become mentally ill over time.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Russian_Red_Foxx]

I should probably also add that my parents are never firm enough with my sister. Or in other words, she gets away with everything. The thing I wanted to talk about was that last night, there was this dinner at my church that I was really looking forward to, but it was only for young adults (people in highschool were also included) meaning that my sister couldn't come. She has this thing where she throws a tantrum pretty much every time she has to leave my dad, and while I may understand that she loves him, it always affects what I am doing at the time. Well, long story short she ruined what would have otherwise been

a good night. She tries to control pretty much every aspect of my life and despite the fact that I try my best not to let her, she still ends up finding a way to do so every single time. I just can't help but feel massive hatred towards her because of all this and I just feel trapped living under the same roof. Although it is technically my parents who control me, they basically let her control them and I have no idea how to tell them that this is happening because they never listen to me. Even when they do, the dismiss those thoughts immediately.

Russian_Red_Foxx

[tranzcrybe]

Hi RRF,

Sorry to hear of your continued struggle with your sister.

Would you like to discuss what made your dinner engagement less enjoyable once you arrived and had dispensed with your sister's earlier tantrum? Did you have trouble putting her outburst out of your mind or were your plans compromised in some way to limit your enjoyment of this much anticipated event?

Although I can't condone your sister's behaviour, this is how her character expresses itself and it may be beyond anyone's control until she faces her own crisis to challenge her beliefs and treatment of others. However, you can learn to control how you process this behaviour and take pity (perhaps offer forgiveness) for her current insecurities. You may not believe this, but you are a role model to your sister and how you respond has a big impact. Can you rise above her taunts and tantrums to lead by example? How would this affect your self confidence and outlook on greater pursuits?

Your parents, too, are only human and susceptible to feeling exasperated with trials of daily life. I think firstborns have the toughest upbringing as parents are anxious to do their best. Subsequent arrivals rarely receive the same intensity and do take advantage of the reduced constraints - is this a good thing? Would you have wanted this freedom or perhaps your sister may have welcomed more defined boundaries?

I'd like to hear your thoughts if you care to delve.

t.