Hi Kitty88
I can feel the urgency and desperation in your words and I so wish I was there with you.
My heart goes out to you regarding your loss. I imagine the people around you aren't fully addressing such a deeply depressing event. A depressing event within depression can definitely feel like you're being fast tracked to the very depths. From my own experience, it became a matter of just when you thought you couldn't become anymore down, you find yourself at a whole new unexpected level. I had 2 miscarriages while I was in my depression. When no one was making any difference to me, I found myself opening my mind to what could make a difference. What came to mind was 'Educate yourself'. I went to my local library and borrowed 2 books, one on the biology of miscarriage (why it happens and why you shouldn't blame yourself for nature doing what it does) and the 2nd related to the experiences, the emotions and the grief, shared by other women. If I had have listened to the people around me who said 'Why are you obsessing and reading so much, you should be over it by now', Grrrr, I don't believe I would have healed as well as I did. While I was trying to make sense of it all others simply told me, in a number or ways, to ignore my need to make sense of it.
While ignorance is bliss in some cases, in other cases ignoring our deep need to make sense of everything can lead us to a state of pure torture. I can't help but wonder whether the volume is being ramped up, regarding what comes to mind, because what comes to mind is leading you to question your thoughts and others more. Something I find helpful comes down to the old idea of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. 'Who is whispering in my ear?' becomes the question.
If what comes to mind is 'You're hopeless. You have no right to be in this world. Everyone hates you', I know who that is.
If what comes to mind is 'That person is not listening to you, you need to speak louder or even scream at them' or 'No one is making any difference, you need to stop looking to these people and find those who will make a positive difference', I can identify who that is.
If what comes to mind is 'No one is truly listening to you', I believe that would be your little angel. If the advice is 'Start looking outside the square for a difference because everyone inside the square is depressing', try Googling 'Holistic Health Practitioner' and all they offer, then ask yourself 'Does this feel like the way to go?'.
🙂
