Hi Kitty88
Depression without a break is, I believe, the worst kind of depression of all. It wears you down, constantly. It doesn't just wear you down, it brings you down in so many ways. From my experience, in the past, you can start off basically depressed which can then graduate further into a deeper part of the depression. Beyond that are even more levels. There is no level lower than the absolute depths. If you imagine depression as 'a depression' or a hole, it's the deepest and darkest part that I'm talking about. I recall it. When people talk about 'Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel', imagine that tunnel isn't a horizontal one but a vertical one. You look up and because you're so far down, you just can't see the light. I remember that moment for me, when the light had seemingly gone, which is why my eyes well up when I sense how much you're suffering.
I can recall how lonely it was down there but what I didn't realise was the fact that I had others down there with me at the time. There were thousands of people all suffering quietly in the same depths as myself, at the same time. We all felt alone but we were together in our suffering, in some ways. I hate how lonely depression can feel. It's cruel illusion which thousands around the world can all be suffering through at the same time, together.
I wonder whether you've ever considered finding a group of people who can relate to the depths. These are people who can relate to the challenges of a lack of light, pure exhaustion at times, mind altering absolutely brutal inner dialogue and possibly even physical pain and so on. Would members of such a group have something to offer that nobody else has offered before? It's kind of like while you have everyone else saying to you 'Look for the light at the end of the tunnel', your support group can be saying, in certain ways 'Don't worry about looking for the light, we'll show you how to navigate the dark, until a bit of light comes to you naturally perhaps, without you having to work so hard to find it'.
It's just a suggestion. What works for one may not work for another. Personally, it was entering group therapy which led me out of more than 15 years in depression. Such a relief to finally find others navigating the darkness that can come with depression. Every session was a break from feeling the depression. Every session instead offered a chance for us to fully and honestly be our self, venting about how completely shi**y life can be at times.
