Thank you so much indigo 🙏
Had appointment with psychologist. Had to outline my whole work and health history. I find it triggering doing this but it is necessary for the DSP application. It’s just a reminder that my life has been such a continuous struggle over decades. I’ve been relentlessly positive and resourceful throughout life to cope, but that is breaking down now as I have nothing left. But perhaps that needs to happen. I knew applying for the DSP in itself would be triggering and I’m sure that’s a major reason I wanted to avoid it. I know you had a hard time with your application and I’m so sorry you went through that. It makes you feel so vulnerable doesn’t it. I feel like my resilience through everything may be my downfall as I’ve fought so hard to be ok and functional it almost goes against me. I’ve been on a lower dose antidepressant for 19 years for managing pain, but not on the formal antidepressant levels, though not far off it for 17 years. It’s something they look at and they may say well you haven’t been on a depression dosage yet so you need to do that first and see if you can work that way before we grant you DSP. It really comes down to the individual assessor who I understand is a doctor who judges the application. It’s like I would have to go through more suffering to prove I am profoundly not ok. I feel like coping in the past despite multiple debilitating health issues and life stressors is almost potentially going to go against me.
My friends who suicided were in very similar positions. One had chronic fatigue syndrome and worked so incredibly hard to heal, researching and trying every healing option he could from conventional to alternative. Other people kept telling him what he was doing wrong all the time. He tried several self employment options. He tried so, so hard before taking his life. Another friend had an informal autism diagnosis from a uni research centre. She couldn’t afford a formal diagnosis. She was severely bullied at work and her family didn’t believe her diagnosis and told her to get over herself. She was so struggling financially she used to get cheap off cuts from the meat factory near her suburb instead of buying at the supermarket. She could see no future. And the other friend had bipolar and worked so hard over years to heal, held down professional jobs despite her struggle. I just get all of their suicides. It is really hard to hang on.
For me each time I see or hear birds and animals it helps me still want to live to be able to see them. They are definitely my family. It is the only constant I know. I have a few genuine, good friends I love very much. But I tend to avoid overburdening them with how much I’m struggling. One of them just lost her stepdad to suicide. I’m not going to share fully where I’m at right now. It is easier to write here than tell people directly because I am just a voice in cyberspace and hopefully it isn’t so directly impactful on anyone else. People on helplines have been so helpful and I’ve only called them when I’ve got to the extreme end of desperate. It’s hard to ask for help when you don’t feel safe, which is a reflection of my childhood conditioning where asking for help led to being attacked in a volatile way. So it feels safer to hold back and present as always coping.
Just writing this all out to process it. Thank you so much for your support indigo. I really appreciate it 💜 I have to find the 70+ page application form now as I lost it. I will probably actually apply online but do the paper one first so I have fully understood it and have a draft copy. I am hating having to do it but my body tells me it’s the only option.
I hope your day/week is going well and thanks again 🙏
