Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

[inni]

Hello everyone.

I survived attempts. I’ve done recovery programs… I still struggle with the fact that the thoughts stay, sometimes less often, sometimes closer to crisis point. The worst is how I feel about myself, my failed attempts and I don’t see the world, I can’t feel it, I just can’t feel when I get unwell. I try to push the thoughts away and tell myself it’s just thoughts, but I’ve tried that before and ended in icu.

How will this continue? Will it always be that dance? Do people get better after a lifetime of suicidal thoughts? I hate when my life is about staying alive. Surely that’s not enough reason?

[geoff]

Hello Inni, I understand what you've said and for me, 4 or 5 people is a crowd, people trying to talk with you while you are discussing another situation with someone else and then interrupting.

When I was suffering I would also paint the windows of the house, they were cedar frames and didn't need another coat, but I found it relaxing or I'd draw cartoon figures, mostly Waltz Disney characters.

Living a practical life now has certainly changed from a long ago because back then I'd be able to do physical jobs either at home or with work, now I need a walker to get around and am unable to do any of these jobs anymore, but feel content in what I do, able to confront situations that I don't agree with no trouble, like when you're depressed you run from making any decisions because you don't have the strength and a simple example is opening the blinds plus I haven't had a drink for well over two years because I don't need it to numb my life and all the problems I was struggling with.

We talk with counsellors, doctors and/or social workers who are trained in this field, but each person suffering has their own story that may differ from what the book says, so it's up to these people to slowly pick away at what we say and try to find that little secret that differs from the book.

My Best.

Geoff.

[inni]

Hello Learn to Fly

thank you so so much for taking the time to read my posts and to create a post with my own positive messages 🙂 that means a lot and I’ve taken a screenshot to remind myself!

I’m tired again but I just wanted to tell you that I saw your message yesterday and really liked it 🙂 Thank you!

[Learn to Fly]

Hi inni,

You are very welcome and I am so glad to hear you liked it! This means a lot to me and you’ve just brought up a big smile on my face 🙂 Thank you for that as this smile was so uplifting.

[inni]

Hi Sophie

thank you for your message, I contacted SCBS and the next day my psych. There are some adjustments to make. I’m glad that SCBS was able to listen and talk me through it. I don’t want to go back into hospital.

[therising]

Hi inni

Being on the spectrum comes with a lot of abilites and a lot of challenges. I think the challenges can come down to things like finding what works, what doesn't, what the triggers are (to both stress and joy), who is triggering, what your abilities actually are and what balance looks and feels like.

The balance factor for someone who's highly sensitive can resemble a 'Goldilocks' scenario. Is something too hot, too cold or just right? I think balance is something a sensitive person typically gets a feel for. I suppose balance is found within the extremes

• From too loud to too quiet
• From too imaginative to too not imaginative enough
• From too thoughtful to too thoughtless
• From too focused to too unfocused
• From too energetic through to not energetic enough, to be able to feel excitement
• From too feeling to too unfeeling

The list goes on.

To be able to get a feel for where we're at any given time can take practice when it comes to us truly knowing and understanding our self.

I think the word 'too' can be helpful in finding balance. For example, what does too bright and too loud conjure up in your mind? Personally, I think of shopping centres. Incredibly bright shopping centres are not well designed for people who are sensitive to light and sound. They're highly triggering, triggering the nervous system. If you were to explore light and sound from the perspective of physics, physics dictates light and sound are forms of energy. So you could say shopping centres hold too much energy and you can feel overwhelmed by such high energy environments, to the point where they put you into a state of hyperactivity, too much activity/internal energy.

Some people on the spectrum have the ability to feel whether there's too much energy or stimuli. That's quite an ability. They can feel what a lot of energy feels like, feel what depressing feels like, what stress feels like, imbalance feels like and so on. They can feel highly triggering people and situations. Others can be insensitive or detensitised to a lot of these things.

I once knew a guy on the extreme end of the spectrum. He spent most of his time sitting and rocking and chanting 'Omm'. I look back now and not only realise he was a 'self soother' based on the noise around him but I also realised people actually pay to see someone like him, to help them. They pay to learn how to meditate their way out of stress. They'll be taught to sit, gently rock and chant 'Omm', while achieving a state of inner peace.

[inni]

Hello therising

thank you for sharing and giving me ideas.

The question of what is too… for me depends on so much. How my day is, my mental and physical health at the moment, if there are other issues, … and also how exposed I am. Being less stimulated during covid helped me manage better but not leaving my comfort zone also makes me vulnerable to be overwhelmed quickly. On one side I like being on my own (very much) and being able to manage stimuli in my own surroundings, but it also makes me lonely and helpless when I cannot avoid going out, being with other people… it’s easier when I know someone around me. I make a real effort to say hello and do the usual small talk (something I don’t like but I know what to say and how to look) because I can deal better with the challenges of going to the grocery shop or post office when there’s someone I have seen and interacted with before. It’s when the sensory overload sneaks in, drop by drop, and I’m not prepared that I can get overwhelmed to a point where I don’t function at all. Remembering how to cope is impossible at that point. I think my brain shuts down then and it goes on a continuous downward journey. But it’s a chicken and egg question. Is my mental health going down first or the sensory overload or…

i like your story about the meditating guy. I think nowadays every single person is overwhelmed in our society and covid has made that worse. I feel really sorry for them. I like hearing that the meditating guy found a way for himself to cope. Wearing a mask helped me with one of my coping strategies, I mumble and hum tunes, count … and it was nice to do it without anyone thinking I’m stupid.

im very sensitive to the energy around me. I can feel when strangers around me are stressed or angry etc and it impacts me a lot. Another reason why I like being alone 🙂 it is rare if not impossible to find even a little grocery shop where there is no negative energy. Everyone is so stressed nowadays.

have a lovely weekend.

[therising]

Hi inni

Sounds like you're coming to understand yourself pretty well. Wonder if you can relate to the following realisation: Just when I think I've got myself all worked out, something new or old (which I haven't manged to deal with) comes along just to prove I haven't entirely worked myself out. So frustrating at times. I've reached the conclusion that it can take a lifetime to work our self out. While the challenges aren't necessarily things we look forward to, the revelations are something to look forward to, as they present relief and greater self understanding.

Do you find internal dialogue to be a significant factor in any challenge? I wish the internal dialogue factor was something that was discussed more when we were young, either at school or at home or both. Perhaps we could be conditioned to only deal with constructive internal dialogue. For example 'What's wrong with me?' could be replaced with 'What am I experiencing in this moment?'. 'You're absolutely hopeless' could be replaced with 'This is what no hope feels like. This is the feeling that's telling me it's time to seek hope/hopeful inspiring people'. As Mum to a 19yo gal and 16yo guy and as someone who's experienced depression in the past, I try and raise my kids to be as conscious as they possibly can be. I should add, they raise me in the same way, to be more conscious. All 3 of us agree, developing self awareness is seriously hard work at times. One of the areas we tend to work hardest on is 'feeling'. 'What am I feeling?' is such a constructive phrase, in my opinion. So, one could say 'Am I feeling my thoughts, my internal dialogue or imagery that comes to mind, or am I feeling external stimuli or am I feeling these things at the same time?'.

Wondering if you can relate to being able to feel a room, when the room becomes too much. It's like you can go out to a restaurant for lunch and all is well until suddenly you feel 'overwhelm'. What happened? How did this suddenly come about? Then you realise - When I got here I was 1 of about 10 people in the place. Now I'm 1 of about 50. I can feel the intensity of the room. While I didn't feel the intensity growing, I can certainly feel it now, through the noise. I suppose you could say, while you can't feel your tolerance levels, you can definitely and quite suddenly feel intolerance. Can be a fine line between the 2 at times.

I think some people are born sensitive (easily able to sense) whereas other develop this ability over time.

[inni]

Hi therising

all I can feel is ‘war’. I’m grateful that I am safe but I can feel ‘war’. I feel for the people, I feel for them so much. I’ve been there. I feel war. I don’t want to know what I feel. It’s walking into a quiet room and seeing destruction and corpses. I try to ignore it, but it’s the hard truth. I try to find that it’s a media hype, but it’s not.‘I’m even scared saying that here. I’m scared.

[therising]

Hi inni

Feel free to express exactly how you feel, whenever you feel that deep need to. Be fearless with your expression inni. There can be so many feelings associated with war/conflict and so many varying levels of feeling and so many triggers on top of it all, imagery and such. That's a lot to be keeping inside, keeping to yourself, trying to work out on your own.

Do you know anyone who can relate to how you feel, can relate to how you feel war? Maybe someone who's experienced this themself. To find someone who can say 'I feel it too. I know how feels and how hard it is to manage. I can relate to the struggle' can be a relief at times. People who can relate can encourage honesty and openness. I think sometimes we can be so desperate to be open and honest, while part of us suppresses that in an effort to 'not upset anyone too much'. I think, sometimes, it's so important to share our upset, even if it's just to vent it.

Come back here anytime you want to express your self inni.

[inni]

Hi therising

thank you for your reply. It helps to know that people care. I don’t feel safe enough to say how I feel online. I wouldn’t talk to people who understand because they have similar experiences because we all have different stories and triggers and I don’t want to trigger anyone. I’ve talked to a helpline. I’ll be ok. I just feel unwell. It’ll be a better day tomorrow.

Thank you for writing back and I’ll try to be in touch tomorrow. Take care.