Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

[inni]

Hello everyone.

I survived attempts. I’ve done recovery programs… I still struggle with the fact that the thoughts stay, sometimes less often, sometimes closer to crisis point. The worst is how I feel about myself, my failed attempts and I don’t see the world, I can’t feel it, I just can’t feel when I get unwell. I try to push the thoughts away and tell myself it’s just thoughts, but I’ve tried that before and ended in icu.

How will this continue? Will it always be that dance? Do people get better after a lifetime of suicidal thoughts? I hate when my life is about staying alive. Surely that’s not enough reason?

[geoff]

Hello Inni, it's devastating you are feeling this way and hope we can be of some help to you.

When you are feeling this way, you don't care what's happening in the rest of the world, all your attention is on yourself and how sad you feel and why these thoughts keep hampering your ability to get better and it's so sad to know you are feeling this way.

People are able to recover when put in this particular type of situation, and I say this because I was once in exactly the same position a long time ago and now living a practical life, but understand that's where we have to try and help you get there.

You are right they are just thoughts but because of the situation you're in remain with you and firstly hope that you know of all the phone numbers to ring and hope someone will supply them for you, however, Lifeline is 13 11 14 and suicide watch is 1300 659 467.

Sometimes if you are able to remove yourself to another location these thoughts may subside but if you are able to get back to us, then we will do our utmost to steer you in another direction.

Please have some trust with us because all we want to do is help you.

My best.

Geoff.

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you inni

My heart goes out to you so much as you work through the mental torture and exhaustion that can come with depression, especially the deepest of depressions.

I think basic thoughts can be easy to manage yet the thoughts that trigger feelings are an entirely different story. It's one thing to objectively analyse our thoughts, it's another to feel them so deeply.

If someone had have said to me years ago 'You have 1000 triggers in life, you're job is to work out every single one of them', my response would have been 'I don't know if I'm up for such hard work'. I've found, over the years, this is how it's come to feel, like my goal is to work out all my triggers, making complete sense of them. It's like some massive monumental quest for self understanding. Like with any significant quest, there are a lot of questions. I think the #1 question when it comes to self understanding tends to be 'What's wrong with me?'.

The 'What's wrong with me question?' took a sudden turn for me one day when the answer suddenly came to mind. What was 'wrong' with me was - I didn't recognise I'm a sensitive person, who's able to sense easily. A sensitive person will sense or feel so much. You could say a sensitive person is designed to feel triggers. Would you say you're a sensitive person who feels a heck of a lot and is fairly easily triggered? If so, I imagine you'd be able to relate to some of the following triggers

• Feeling yourself in the presence of a depressing or angering person or situation. Feeling depressing or angering words or statements aimed at you

• Feeling a lack of inspiration. Talking about the kind of inspiration you can truly feel run through you
• Feeling a lack of understanding from people or a lack of a desire to understand what you're going through and how deeply you're feeling what you're going through
• Feeling a lack of an obvious way forward
• Feeling certain chemical shifts. As a 51yo female, while I can't feel the chemical shifts (at this time of life), I can feel the effects of the chemical/hormonal shifts
• Feeling the severity/intensity of your thoughts
• Feeling pure physical and mental exhaustion
• Feeling what you imagine, what you see in your mind. The imagination can be highly triggering at times

I won't go on. As I say there can be a thousand or more triggers to be felt in life.

For me, during my years in depression, my biggest trigger of all was feeling no one leading me out of it - an incredibly depressing feeling.

[inni]

Hello Geoff,

Thank you for your reply. I don’t know if I am depressed at the moment. I find it hard to know. For me my head is going to fast. I honestly don’t know. When I read your post I remembered that the why doesn’t matter because during my last admission I worked out in hospital that lifestyle strategies work for all my different episodes, or at least help. My strategies have been eroding. There are constant triggers from PTSD and then strategies fall away. But I can do some. They’re all important but too much at the moment, I’ll decide on one. Life is constantly changing. Life gets too complicated for me and then it feels like my brain just does it’s own thing.

what Do you mean when you say ‘you’re living a practical life’? What does that look like?

I feel tired from writing, sorry. Thinking gets a bit slow and hard when I feel like this.

Take care

[jaco123456789]

Hi Inni,

I am sorry to hear that your are feeling this way. I encourage you to contact a GP or suicide prevention line such as beyond blue.

I once was a suicidal person. I remember waking up in the warden of the ICU and having to deal with my reality. I felt suicide was a way of telling myself that I needed to help myself. It is now 5 years down the track, completed a bachelor in psychology and know aim to volunteer in mental health. My ideal goal is help people like you and I which is slowly getting there. The point is the reality I need to find out about myself was that I need something to work for. Is there something lacking in your life? I ask this as I found finding goal really helps keep the dark thoughts away. Is there someone in your life that cares about you? For me it was parents and family. For you it could someone else.

Let me know your thoughts.

[inni]

Hi Jaco

thank you for your reply and for sharing your story. It’s amazing that you were able to study psychology and can now help.

When I lost my job a few years ago due to my mental health I still had goals, lofty ones at first but I kept failing, so I lowered the bar and still failed. I lost confidence. I still haven’t got the concentration for a one pager and I feel I don’t have the competency or reliability to commit to a couple of hours a week. I hope that will come back one day, I’m working on the confidence part. I have ideas. I have a friend in Europe and I talk to her about them, but then I either get paranoid or unwell.

I read this the other day: ‘Unpopular opinion: I don't think your life has to have a purpose, or you a grand ambition; I think it's okay to just wander through life finding interesting things until you die’.

I started painting when I lost my job. Not like a painter, it’s more therapeutic as I do paint more than I talk. I’ve always been a visual person.

[inni]

Hi Jaco

I’d love to show people how important art therapy can be in life but my paintings are very personal and I don’t like to share them with anyone.

It feels so impossible to stay alive sometimes. I thought I had my ‘aha moment’ the last time in icu but that feels far away now. I have people I care about, but when I feel to difficult to deal with myself I definitely don’t want others to put up with me. I know the ‘better off with you’ and other campaigns but I just don’t feel that way. I feel like a burden to everyone including the health system. A waste of space. I know I have to stay safe for others, but I do sometimes wish that I didn’t wake up or that I was never born in the first place. I’m safe tonight, I’m just trying to explain how I feel.

Did you struggle with your concentration? How did you get better?

[inni]

Hello therising

Thank you for your message. I have read it but I will need some time to understand and process all of it.

My friend from my childhood told me before that I might be highly sensitive and I am but I think that’s from being on the spectrum. I think the strategies are similar though. Often I forget, putting earplugs in is just something I forget but I do try to avoid crowds (10+ is a crowd for me). I had a social worker once that helped me write down what ‘special needs I have’, I still feel defective but it has helped in the past. Now I’m in a new environment and I don’t like to tell people, I look fine from the outside.

I’ll try to read the rest of your post tomorrow.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi inni,

Thank you for joining our community and sharing. I really appreciate your willingness to talk to us.

I love the responses from others here. There is so much gentle encouragement and hope. So much, but not too much, so you wouldn't feel overwhelmed. I hope you feel heard and understood as we are definitely listening to you. Every single word that you write to us, as tiring as the process of writing is for you, we read it and listen to your voice.

I read through all of the posts and what I have noticed is that with each of your responses you provide a new opening to your past and things that saved you. Because you enjoyed doing them. Because somehow you dug up the remaining strength to do them. Because they are part of who you are. Or maybe there was no "because" and you just did it.

I hope you don't mind but I copied some of your sayings that I found powerful, hopeful, giving reasons to hang on to, even if it is only a thin thread. Take some time to read them and maybe your own positive words (in my humble opinion) will encourage you to reflect on things that would otherwise be obscured.

... "then strategies fall away. But I can do some. They’re all important but too much at the moment, I’ll decide on one"

... "I’m working on the confidence part. I have ideas. I have a friend in Europe and I talk to her about them"

... "I read this the other day: ‘Unpopular opinion: I don't think your life has to have a purpose, or you a grand ambition; I think it's okay to just wander through life finding interesting things until you die’.

... I started painting when I lost my job. Not like a painter, it’s more therapeutic as I do paint more than I talk. I’ve always been a visual person."

..."I’d love to show people how important art therapy can be in life but my paintings are very personal and I don’t like to share them with anyone."

..."I have people I care about"

[Sophie_M]

Hi inni,

Thank you for letting us know that you are safe tonight. We are sorry to hear that you feel like a burden and a waste of space, we want to remind you that all life is important, including yours. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.