Suicidal thoughts due to feelings of loneliness

[Wazza23]

Just over a year ago, I found out that my wife had been raped just before I proposed to her. That was over 10 years ago and she kept it a secret until I accidentally found out. Somehow she has managed to move on and gotten on with life. After the initial revelation, things sort of got back to normal but inwardly I have found it very difficult to cope because she refused to acknowledge the rape. She said that calling it rape gave the guy too much power but this makes me think she cheated on me. She doesn't want to talk about it, and since she is the primary victim I respected that. However, I felt very lonely so I confided in a number of people. I felt that getting different perspectives from a number of people helped me to understand her better. Recently my wife found out I had confided in my cousin who is a younger female. My wife was upset about this but I'm not sure why. She said it was okay for me to talk, but only to specific people. I didn't think it fair that she wants to vet and approve the people I confide in, especially since she's made it clear they are my issues and not hers. She's made it clear that she doesn't want to talk about the incident with me, but I often feel the need to talk. Anyway, that sort of lead me to an episode of feeling like suicide is a good option since it appears I can't do anything right. The episode has since passed and I'm not feeling this way anymore. I've done a bit of counselling but I find this a bit difficult to do since we have a young family to look after. But how do I look after myself if I have no one to talk to? I understand that my wife may feel like her privacy is being violated but I generally don't discuss the details of the incident with other people, only where I'm at. How can I deal with my issues in a positive way that won't cause friction in my household?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Wazza23,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for showing such bravery in sharing your journey with us like this today. We know taking a step like this isn't easy, but it so important that you have. This is a safe and non-judgmental place for users to give and recieve support based on their own mental health journeys, some of which may be very similar to yours. We're here to give you as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

We're also glad to hear you've taken steps to protect you mental wellbeing and that your suicidal thoughts have passed. However, please remember if ever you need to talk our support service is available 24/7 for you to talk to a qualified mental health professsional on 1300 22 4636. You might also like to talk to our firends at Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Please come back and check in to let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to beyond blue.

thank you for opening up and sharing a little of yourself. It takes courage to write a post expressing how you feel.

I noticed in your post that you felt that you have no one to talk to. You had also felt at one time that suicide was an option. I have a safety plan and my wife is the first person to call. Luckily since I created that list (after an incident) I have not had the do that. But I have spoken to my wife about suicidal thoughts. It also does sound like there might be some things that concern you which you might not feel you could tell your wife? This is something I go through anyway and for many reasons. But when challenged by my psychologist to talk to my wife I can but start with some preamble to make sure she understand this is what my mind says and I am not crazy.

my kids are at the end of their schooling career and there was a time (obviously) when they would have been the age of yours... it can be stressful for many reasons. You are not alone. If writing here, and reading replies helps you, then good and I will listen.

Peace to you,

Tim

[Wazza23]

Tim,

I don’t have a safety plan but I did promise a friend I would call him if it ever got really bad. Unfortunately I’m a bit stuck in a situation where my wife has kind of restricted me in who I can talk to. We kind of had a conversation about the people I’ve confided in and she accused me of having secrets. To be fair, the number of people I confided about this situation went up over time. I found that every time I retold my story to someone new I processed it a bit more and it seemed a good test of how intense my feelings were. I told her if she was uncomfortable about it I could give her a list of all the people I’d confided in, what benefit I derived from the conversation, their background in relation to me but she basically shut that idea down. I guess she feels embarrassed. It’s strange that usually it’s the guys that can’t open up but my wife kept this secret about the rape from everyone and talks to no one so that makes me worry. Anyway I guess I just feel scared and alone. Twice today I caught myself day dreaming about doing it, Those episodes have passed now and I don’t think I’m in danger.

Perhaps this thread would be better in the sexual assault one. A real sticking point with me is the fact my wife can’t really admit it was rape. She doesn’t want to say he forced himself on her as she feels it gives him too much power. But I feel he did something more insidious and tricked her into thinking she was safe with him as he raped her on two separate occasions. And I was aware something was going on and I asked if I should come pick her up and she said no she would handle it. 😞 why wouldn’t she let me rescue her!!??

This sort of behaviour leads me to despair because he’s “not a monster”. Just a rapist. So the “good guy” that rapes still gets away with it and I’m left feeling scared for my daughters. Why a humans such disgusting creatures that we let these people get away with it?

[Guest_1643]

hi Wazza,

welcome to the forums,
You need to look after yourself too, in order to help your family. It isn't selfish, but rather in the long term will help them more. It is very traumatic to go through what you've been through, and I think you need to debrief... when we go through a traumatic incident it helps us to process it just to talk to someone who won't judge.
it's true your wife is the primary victim, but secondary people affected by an incident also go through vicarious trauma. All the questions you ask indicate to me that you need to talk and process.

I was wandering if you could even speak to 1800 Respect who have trauma counsellors available or Mensline as well?
Know that you are not alone. Maybe you processing it will help your wife also