I'm tired

[OceanWhispers]

It's been awhile since I last posted here. A long time of trying to get
better and so far not having any luck. To add to the depression, dark thoughts
and suicide thoughts every single day, I now have side effects
from the different medications to deal with. I'm tired. I'm emotionally, physically
mentally tired and I don't think I can do this much longer.
I feel I've ruined my whole life and I don't know if it's worth trying anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Hi OceanWhispers,

Thank you for your bravery and honesty in sharing this with us today. We're so sorry to hear that things are not feeling any better and that you're struggling with side effects of medications on top of experiencing dark thoughts. We understand that things must be really diffciutl to cope with right now, but please know that our wonderful community is here to support you through this. Our support service is also currently reaching out to you via email as we are worried about you.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors at Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.
 

[OceanWhispers]

Thanks Sophie but it seems I am pretty much alone.

[NiceGuy1]

Hi there Ocean Whispers,

Appoligies for the delay in the reply from your first post. Please understand that you are not along and we are here for you.

Thanks for coming forward and sharing what you are going through. Sorry to hear that you have been here before.

In the past, what has helped you cope with these feelings?

[OceanWhispers]

Hi,
Thanks for taking the time to reply.
In the past I just try hold on to thinking about my kids. Sometimes I self harm, sometimes I message a friend. I really only have 2 I can talk to. Sometimes I think as much as I need to be alone that it's a good thing my husband is at work and I have the kids otherwise I would get in my car, go for a drive and then who knows what. I have a place in mind to go to when like this but have never made it yet.
Monday afternoon was extremely bad. I spent the afternoon trying to plan how I could kill myself without hurting those around me too much.
Anyway I have rambled on too much.
I hope you are well x

[Sophie_M]

Hi OceanWhispers,

We're so grateful that you're keeping us updated on how you're going, and we're so sorry to hear how much pain you've been in. It sounds like these thoughts and feelings are so overwhelming, and were especially difficult for you on Monday afternoon. We are currently getting in touch with you through email to check in with you and offer some extra support tonight as we are still worried for you.

Please remember that the crisis supports we mentioned previously are available to you 24/7, and that if at any point you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero). 

We think you are so strong to reach out here and open up about these thoughts and feelings, and please remember that we're all here to help you through this. We hope you feel free to keep reaching out here to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

[therising]

Hi OceanWhispers

Glad you came here. You definitely need support from those who can relate to the torturous challenges depression can bring. Those who have not experienced depression for themselves would find it difficult or even impossible to understand just how bad things can get.

Sounds like you might need to get your meds reassessed. If they're making life unbearable, it's up to those who prescribed them to help take further responsibility. Any meds that drain the life/energy out of us are questionable.

During my years in depression, I began with so much hope, hoping things would get better. As time went on, things seemed to become more hopeless. When it comes to the different roles others played in my life during these 15 or so years, I now have a sense of clarity that tends to have me raising an eyebrow in regard to the mismanagement of my mental health. Just a few examples:

• To those who led me through a long trial and error process of antidepressants, 'What the heck were you thinking?! Do you know how seriously depressing such a process can be?' You hope the next one will work, then hope is dashed and this is repeated over and over again. You lose hope with each failed one. How are the ADs not working managed? If I had my time again, I'd say to these professionals 'Okay, give me a rundown on how the brain chemistry in depression works and how this particular med is going to alter the chemistry'
• To those who poo pooed my interest in finding the natural or spiritual (non religious) side of life, 'Seriously?!!!'. I'm fully invested these days and this is the side of myself that not only helped lead me out of depression but it keeps me out when the challenges of life can feel so overwhelming that I could easily slip back in. What the heck were these people thinking, advising me to stop focusing on all this 'rubbish'? To anyone exploring this aspect, I would say 'Go for it. See if it raises you'. I would never put down a positive idea that holds the power to make a difference
• To the hospital psyche who questioned me in a public room as to what led me to not want to stay on this earth any longer, 'Where was the private room, where I could be honest, where I could feel the freedom to cry?'

OceanWhispers, it pays to look to the faults in others, in how they're mismanaging our mental health. It's not a blame game, simply a way of acknowledging that how we feel may not involve any fault of our own. Addressing the faults/flaws in management is key.

🙂

[NiceGuy1]

Hi,

We really appreciate you coming back here to shed some light on what you are going through.

I would like to echo therisings comments especially the one about finding the natural and spiritual side of life. When I was at my lowest, I found a deeper meaning of existence through understanding where I have come from and who I become.

Before stepping into the role of parent I never expected to become depressed. There is so much pressure we put on ourselves trying to be the best parents we can be. The build up of of the pressure interferes with the part we play within our family.

I previously kept all my thoughts and fears from my wife until the day I almost lost it all. Your family needs you. They love you unconditionally. They need you to be healthy and living in the moment to enjoy the journey of life together.

I wanted to ask a question if I may please. Does your husband know how you feel and what you are going through?

I hope to hear back from you soon. We are so proud of you for reaching out and feel free anytime to ramble on 🙂

[OceanWhispers]

Hi The Rising,

At my last appointment with the psychiatrist he did explain how 2 different meds worked in the brain and gave me the choice. Unfortunately they all cause weight gain and he said I'd probably feel even more unmotivated and sluggish than before.

I have never looked into the spiritual side of life but probably should.

And your last point about the hospital psych is what has scared me into getting more help when I've been bad. So many stories that just make me think it's not worth going to hospital. My other concern there is I can be suicidal and ready to do something but an hr or 2 later not that bad. I worry if I go to hospital and then feel better I'd be stuck there.

I'm still having side effects from the medication and now recent blood tests have shown other issues. I don't know what is med side effects and what is my health now. I don't feel as suicidal until when I'm alone at night and then I just can't see a way out of who I am and what I am.

Sorry for rambling x

[OceanWhispers]

Hi Nice Guy,

My husband and I do not have a good relationship. I say we just exist here. Last appointment the psychiatrist suggested a 2 week 'break' in hospital but I couldn't because he would complain so much about it. He has health issues and generally unless something involves him doesn't show he cares.

X