Taking things out on myself

[venn1]

Hello. I’m not really sure why I’m posting this, I guess maybe to feel less alone about it. Also want to clarify that I’m safe and am not about to kill myself or anything. I see a counsellor (though have lapsed a bit with covid stuff happening) who diagnosed me with anxiety/depression ages ago. It has taken me a really really long time to even begin to accept that, and often I still don’t believe it, because I haven’t had anything very devastating happen to me in life. I have a good life. I feel almost like I must be putting it on to get attention or feel ‘special’, and I don’t trust my own thoughts about it. I’m just weak. So many people have it so so much worse than I.

I find it impossible to accept myself making any sort of mistake. I feel totally worthless and stupid when I do something (anything) wrong and get strong urges to punish myself by self harming. Sometimes I go through with it, sometimes I don’t. This is the main reason I hurt myself- because I feel like I deserve to feel pain because of what a screw-up I am. I had a period of a couple years where I didn’t hurt myself (don’t know how I did it, it just died off for a bit?) but recently it’s started again sometimes.

Does anyone who does this know of a way to channel the urge to hurt yourself into some other thing? I know it’s often said that you should try and distract yourself through grounding techniques but often when I’m in that place, the urge to punish myself is too strong. I just want to take things out on myself.

Thank you

[Sophie_M]

Hey venn1,

Welcome to the forums, we understand it can be hard to post when you're feeling so low, so we are genuinely grateful you decided to reach out. We're so sorry to hear that you've been feeling that you need to punish yourself. We understand that this feeling must be overwhelming, and we are so sorry that you're in a tough space right now. Is there something that has helped you to curb self harm behaviour in the past? Please know that you're not alone and there will be members of this community who relate to what you are describing. We are also currently getting in touch with you through email to check in with you.

Please know that there is always help available to you when these feelings become overwhelming, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.
 
 

[White_Rose]

Dear venn1

Hello and welcome to the forum. It's really great you have found your way here as so many of us feel the same about worthiness.

One of the tricks of our brains is to tell us we do not deserve to be happy, do not deserve a 'normal' life and most certainly we should not complain about what happens to us. This is part of depression. Lets face it, if we 'knew ' we were worthwhile and made no more mistakes in our lives than anyone else why would we be depressed. It's not a case of deserving or not deserving the respect of our friends and family. While people who have experienced distressing events do become depressed it's not necessarily because of these events we fall into depression. Many, many people live an ordinary life with the usual ups and downs but become depressed.

If we knew why this happened it would be great. But we do not know.So often the question is asked, "Such and such has a good life, loving family, good friends, a job, everything we would like so it's not true they are depressed because there is no need. They should get themselves together and stop being an attention seeker". I wish it was that easy.

We do not know what causes someone to be depressed. Sad at various times yes because sadness happens but not depression. It's not a sign of weakness and neither are people attention seekers or have a need to feel 'special' Depression is hard and painful. No one would choose this. I feel certain you did not choose this. Please believe your therapist and allow yourself to believe this. Depression happens just like many of the bad things in the world such as COVID19 but it is not your fault.

Like many others on this forum I have battled depression and could very happily have done without it. But I had no choice. Now my choice is to get well again or not. It's been a long journey to get where I am and I still feel depressed at times. I have started to experience panic attacks which have not happened for many years. Why? There may be reasons such as COVID19 and being quite isolated and being abruptly taken back five years to a huge hurt. It's up to me with the help of my therapist and other friends to get past all this. I am already feeling better and I have found that this second time round I am recovering more quickly.

There is an end to depression once we let ourselves believe this. Tell your brain, AKA the black dog, to back off and learn some manners. Write in here as much as you wish.

Mary