Suicidal constantly

[Chris_Tas]

Hi all.

Like others I think of suicide basically constantly.

It's like a someone whispering in me ear that I can't stop as my life otherwise is (mostly) ok.

I told my parents again but they just said Im an attention seeker that using it as an excuse not to work.

That is far from the trust as when I tell them I'm suicidal they laugh and then get angry.

It's so difficult as it makes my suicidal thoughts worse but they seem completely oblivious.

Anyway stay safe all.

Chris

[therising]

Hi Chris

You face some seriously tough challenges, including a lot of mixed emotions. Can be such a tough thing to manage, those mixed emotions. Can take us from 'I can't tolerate that person's behaviour' in one moment into 'I feel so bad for them' seconds later. Mixed emotions can become so tormenting at times.

I'm glad you don't feel your mum's words like you once did. Can be a hard thing to master, not feeling the impact of words or what's said to us. To believe what someone says are simply words and that's all, simply things to be heard or observed, is about managing their impact. 'I can hear what you're saying but I don't feel anything through what you say' is a liberating way of managing an emotional channel. Emotional detachment at times (especially from words) is not a bad thing. In fact, it can prove to be a great ability, to be able to switch on and off so as to manage our well being.

Trying to emotionally manage (within our self) someone else's perception of us can be incredibly challenging. Making the decision or reaching the conclusion 'They've got it wrong. I am worth more than what they believe' becomes a groundbreaking revelation we are happy to live with.

[Chris_Tas]

So mum gets up at 5.30am every morning.

Dad is having his surgery today so I cooked Blueberry Pancakes as a surprise.

She swore at me and threw them out, returns from pokies and verbally abused me again.

Said if I wanted a cooked breakfast I'd ask for it.

Yes I know theRising and co know I should expect this but it's impossible to me.

I'm a nice person but yeah, it's probably enough.

Chris

[therising]

Hi Chris

You're beautiful Chris, cooking those pancakes. I love blueberry pancakes.

It's interesting how we'd never stand for that sort of treatment from our kids, being spoken to and treated like that, but when it's coming from the other end, from our parents, hard to imagine us saying stuff to them like 'How dare you speak to me like that. Go off to your room and think about what you've said and don't come out 'til you're a little more conscious and ready to be more considerate'. You can picture how that'd go down 🙂

Generally my husband has self control but when I hear him lose his temper toward our 19yo daughter and he speaks to her disrespectfully with a number of profanities thrown in, I can't help but pull him up with something like 'You do understand why she has no respect for you when you behave like this, when you lose self control and the ability to listen to her'. I've always taught my kids 'Respect is earned and managed'. Just because I'm a parent it doesn't mean I don't have to work on earning my kids' respect. Being their parent doesn't give me a free pass to treat them poorly.

Not sure if dogs are allowed to eat blueberry pancakes. Perhaps your boys would have appreciated them far more than your mum.

[Chris_Tas]

Thank you.

You are an amazing contributor as so knowledgeable.

You are a credit to the forum.

I'm not going as best as I'd like to be.

[Centaured]

Hey Chris. Sorry to hear you aren't the best.

Is there anything we can do?

[therising]

Hi Chris

You're so thoughtful, so kind with your words. Thank you for gifting them to me 🙂

It can be so hard Chris, when we're desperate for some 'spring board' moment in life, something that will help us take off, diving into a pool of possibility and inspiration. Sometimes it can feel more like a matter of...not only is there no diving board but the pool water's looking a bit green and in desperate need of a clean. What to do with that, hey. Meanwhile, you look over to the next person who's 1,2,3 bouncing off into a graceful dive before plunging into crystal clear waters. Sticking with the analogy of that pool...

I see myself walking over to that pool, with the graceful diver now getting out and I ask them 'Why do you have this and I have that (pointing over to where I came from)?' They say 'Mine started off like that. I started off on the sidelines depressed, staring into the green, wishing I had what I have now. Then I figured wishing wasn't enough. I realised I was the maintenance person for my own pool. It's taken a lot of time and hard work to get it to the point where it's at. It didn't come easy. There were times where I wanted to give up. There were even times when I thought I was really making progress until others would come over and empty their dirty water into my pool. They were the times where I went back to sitting on the sidelines thinking 'What's the point?'. Sometimes I just sat there and cried in defeat. My friend, what you see is the result of all my hard work and the result of never giving up. Now I get to dive into what I created'.

With this pool factor in mind, I wonder 'Where to start?'. What comes to mind is 'Every form of pollution needs to be managed'. Every polluting thought that dirties our internal dialogue, every person who tries to poop in our pool, every thing that impacts what should be clear needs to be managed. I really gotta start working on that internal dialogue stuff. While what comes to mind at times is 'You got this. You can do this' (in regard to constructive change), these days it's often followed with that slimy horrible green stuff (in my pool) such as 'Nothing's going to change. It's always going to be this way'. Clear waters Chris, the goal is clear waters. Can definitely be hard and challenging work.

[Chris_Tas]

Ok yes I had another "episode" Sunday.

I'm only thinking clearly now and it's late at night

I wish everyone happiness.

All that happened was I was (a girl I used to be with) called a failed lawyer and unfit loer (she's very fit and much "better" than me....I accept that)

My initial reaction was to get angry but I more just go home to finish life instead.

Thing is I didn't.

Reason being - how can one person who probably is way better looking and smarter than me put me down to take my life.

I am in a work in progress like us all.

[Chris_Tas]

That is a legitimate true story.

Thing is "she" (I hate that word) would be so beautiful to everyone on the street, beautiful physically, fit, dresses immaculately etc.

Yet she is actually very ugly if that makes sense.

I sometimes come across the wrong way on here, but my intentions are always for the best.

Chris

[therising]

Hi Chris

That is such a powerful experience in so many ways. I'm so sorry you felt the power behind her words and intention so deeply (to wound you and degrade you). So glad you found the power behind your own words, 'Words can't destroy me. I'm more powerful than that'.

There's a part of me that people like that tend to channel. Took decades before this part of me finally came to life. Before it did, I was easily brought down through feeling people's words. This new part of me pops in on occasion and I find it to be quite amusing, rather witty. Don't know where it comes from but I welcome it when such people bring it to life. This part of me has said before, to such people, 'What's the name of your horse?'. When they ask 'What horse?', I point out 'You know that seriously high horse you're on. I can barely see you up there. What's your horses name?' 🙂

You're obviously getting good at this Chris, practicing managing the power of words. It's a tough practice at times, that's for sure. 'I feel your destructive words and I emotionally detach from the charge they hold' is a strong mantra. Over time I imagine you'll get faster at being able to do it. The more practice, the faster we get. While in the beginning of such a practice, it could take us weeks to get over someone's words. While perfecting, through practice, it comes down to days, then hours, then minutes, then seconds and finally a split second, until the only words that mean anything, the only ones we are prepared to feel, are the ones we are happy to relate to. I find I can still get some that sneak in and impact me for a time. I haven't entirely perfected the practice yet. Such words may come from someone I love who is perhaps not themself at the time, due to sickness, intolerance, sadness or exhaustion. Other times, the words others say can really get to me when those words relate to unresolved issues from long ago. I try to see this as being a wake up call that tells me I need to address what's not been addressed from the past (that thing that still holds a charge). Then there are the words that I let charge me up. For example, if someone was being degraded, I will feel that charge and permit it to work up to the point where it brings out the upstander in me.

There's definitely an ugliness to people, no matter how 'beautiful' they appear on the outside. On the inside, there's much work to be done. In the meantime, those who strive to become more conscious continue with their own hard work.

[Chris_Tas]

Ok I'm back and yes OK.

Sorry to Beyond Blue team as I've written to you.

Sincere apologies, didn't mean to distress anyone, but I'm on track now as safety plan worked.

It's highly distressing, but I guess that "is what it is" as they say.

I sincerely thank you for all the support provided to me and other people, who arguably in my case at least, may not deserve it.

I'm ok for now and need time out.

Chris