Struggling to get help

[Doolhof]

I know this is a place where we are supposed to encourage and support each other, to offer suggestions of where help may be received and to try to be positive in our experiences of reaching out for mental health guidance and care.

Unfortunately that has not been my experience for a long time living in the country.

My GP kept telling me he would make an appointment with me to do a mental health care plan. That took about 6 months. At an appointment I basically told him I needed help, could he please do the plan that day and not make me wait another 4 weeks for a next appointment.

The psychologist he recommended sent me an email stating with the information the Dr had written in the referral she was unable to assist me. She had not even met me!

Wait another 4 weeks for another Drs appointment.  A new psychologist was recommended, I had to drive to the city for this one. Had to wait a couple of months for an appointment. My appointment was to be on Thursday this week. Received an email from the psychologist stating "due to changes in his circumstances he is no longer able to offer me sessions".

I go to the local hospital and am told "the Doctors are too busy seeing more important patients to be able to see you".  The Nurse/Sister actually stated that to me over and over.

Looks like me and my sick mind are just going to have to keep trying to support myself until it doesn't work any longer.

[Doolhof]

Hi Eagle Ray,

Lovely to hear from you again. Hope you are travelling well.

I have found it almost reassuring, comforting and supportive in a way to read the possible symptoms of BPD. It made me realise my mind is capable of taking me on a journey where I can experience those feelings with a reason and that it is not completely because my mind is frazzled. Hope that makes some kind of sense.

It is not an excuse for me to partake in activities that can be of harm to myself or others, but it has served as a reminder that is what happens for me and as I am freshly aware of those things I can work to accept them, work with them and improve my daily functioning.

In regards to possible assistance finding future employment, I am with a disability employment place now. I should have been released from their books a year ago, due to my continued mental healtha nd work issues, I am still with them. 

I have been asking my consultant to help me find other work that is less triggering and stressful. She keeps telling me I can do the job I am currently in. She has stated at times she is very concerned for my well-being and mental health but still insists I persevere with this position. I have been looking for other work myself. 

Tomorrow is a new day. I am going for a drive to find a new place to go walking and exploring. All the best to you. Thanks for the tip of The Blue Knot foundation. Regards form Dools.

[therising]

Hi Dools

When I think about the overwhelming challenges you face, I'm so glad you can come here with the freedom to express yourself and also be heard. Can feel almost impossible to have people in our life really listen and also feel the intensity of a struggle or set of struggles that can be incredibly testing in so many ways.

I think some people don't realise what it is like to be triggered into a state of consciousness that feels unbearable at times. While a couple of people not listening to the desperate needs we may have may seem like a rather low key issue to them, to be triggered into a state of consciousness where the inner dialogue starts to change as some part of our self begins to form an enormous list of all the people who have never listened in our life (from birth to present moment) can be enormous. Becoming fully conscious of everyone who never listened or everyone who never cared in a number of ways, is definitely not a low key issue. Whether the state of conscious we shift into involves those who never listened, those who never cared, those who were depressing or anxiety inducing, whose who led us to feel worthless etc etc, once the shift happens there is a state of heightened awareness that can be like a form of torture. The ultimate challenge becomes about how to shift out of it to some degree and into a different state. Whether it's the state of pure and conscious analysis (being able to make better sense of things), the state of wonder (leading us to open our mind beyond what we face) or some other state, it would be like a godsend to be able to shift states of awareness with a simple click of the fingers.

I hope the book you found offers you the opportunity to shift your awareness into a state where you can feel relief, optimism, inspiration and all that good stuff. I hope it offers you fuel for the soul ❤️

[Doolhof]

Hi therising,

Thanks for your thoughts. The mind can certainly drag up a lot of unpleasantness rather quickly and effectively! My challenge is to recognise those thoughts as thoughts to tell my mind to stop the process, I have heard enough, I accept stuff happened, and to then look for positives in life or a least one positive if more than that is difficult in the chaos.

Yesterday I started to read the book, as it is aimed at teenagers I hoped it would be easier to understand the concepts written within it. I am still finding the process to achieve outcomes seems to be missing a few vital steps and explanation on how to proceeded.

It seems to assume you can just change your focus from the extreme negative to the positive as though you are turning on a light switch. Change of mind for me is not that easy. I will continue to read it and have been making notes on what is helpful. Practising the strategies will be beneficial too. I realise trying something once and struggling with it may be annoying, so I need to persevere until it makes sense or I believe it is not suitable for me needs, then I will try something else.

Regarding the triggering, I am finding I dissociate more now. Grounding exercises will help with that. 

Hope you are doing okay therising, regards form Dools

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Dools,

 I wish you had that support from the consultant to find a different job. I don’t know if a letter from your GP would help? You may have tried that already.

While I can’t understand exactly what you go through, I relate to what you say about not being able to just switch focus like a light switch. For me it is around fear. So if I get a strong fear activation it can persist for days and sometimes weeks. No amount of talking to myself with my rational brain can stop it. I’ve learned that to some extent it just needs to run its course, but also I’ve found doing something as opposed to trying to think my way out of it is much more helpful. So a few weeks ago, when I was in really bad fear, I went on a road trip and it really helped to shift me out of the fear response. I’m now on another road trip and I got triggered again just before I left, and once again it’s really helping.

I don’t know if that’s in any way helpful to you or not. I’m just wondering if taking actions can sometimes help because it’s like the nervous system learns a new way of being that shifts thoughts and feelings with it. It’s less direct than trying to use conscious thought strategies, but it’s like the thoughts and feelings kind of naturally follow the change of action/behaviour.

 I don’t know if that makes sense? I’m imagining you going on your walks is a similar thing. Sometimes doing something novel and new can shift gears in the brain, so to speak. It sounds like you may have done that today, going on a drive to find a new place to walk.

 I hope you get some good ideas from the book. You are working so hard to solve things. I hope you get some rest too.

Take care and sending you healing wishes, ER

[Doolhof]

Thanks again Eagle Ray,

I'd like to do a road trip! If you don't mind me asking, what are you doing about places to sleep? Maybe you have a swag or sleep in your car or pay for accommodation? You don't have to answer, accommodation costs are what stops me from staying overnight at different places.

Sometimes I will do a day trip and come home to sleep. It isn't quite the same thing and does limit how far I can travel. 

The employment consultant does frustrate me at times. She is nice enough but certainly has not been at all proactive in helping me find other employment. I have tried looking myself. My skills are limited. My mind is tired and it doesn't take on new tasks easily.

Distractions do help refocus my mind at times. Sometimes when I stop an activity though it is like my mind comes off pause and continues on with the same negative and depressing theme and seems to multiply it!

Returning home after being with family for 2 days was like a massive wave of depression hit me the moment I walked back in the door. I could almost physically feel it hanging on me, grabbing hold of me and clinging on tight. I tried dealing with it yesterday but it just clung to me. Reading a book for a while helped distract my mind.

Hope you have some wonderful adventures today Eagle Ray! Regards to you and all reading from Dools

[therising]

Hi Dools

Not sure if it will be of any help but I figured out for myself at one point what that depressing feeling of returning after a holiday was about. Typically on a holiday we'll re-turn or turn again toward doing what brings us some sense of joy (maybe eating out more as a treat, taking nature walks in a specific environment we love, getting up early enough to watch the sunrise etc etc). Then when we come back home, we re-turn or turn again toward all the stuff that can be the opposite of what brings us a sense of joy, peace, excitement and so on.

After one holiday to a place I revisit every year, which brings me so much joy, I came back incredibly down to the point of crying. I thought 'What the heck is wrong with me?' until I realised I had come back and turned again toward a job that was stressful, I had turned again toward a husband who I wish would try harder in the way of bringing our marriage back to life, I had turned again to a house I'm deeply grateful for but want to move on from (the family's outgrown it in so many ways), I'd turned again to a lack of adventure etc etc. I'd turned again or re-turned to everything that felt depressing to some degree.

Perhaps the challenge, when coming back home from a holiday, is to promise our self we will turn to something new for the first time. We won't re-turn toward and face everything that never worked. We will face one thing, at the very least, that will be different. And if it is one thing that feeds our soul in some way, it becomes a bonus because then we are returning toward, facing and feeding our soulful nature.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Dools and the Rising,

Dools, I’m staying in one room accommodation options in caravan parks where you have a bed but use the shared bathroom and kitchen facilities. It’s not as cheap as camping or having your own caravan, but less expensive than being in a cabin or chalet. I’ve found some caravan parks have them but they don’t show on their website. I think possibly they’re sometimes used by seasonal workers so not always available. Some places will give a discount too if you stay more than one night, which I’m doing. The place I’m in now has free wifi which is good for me as I have no phone reception here.

I’m sorry you’ve had that terrible depression clinging to you. It’s such an awful feeling. I had really heavy depression like that in Oct/Nov last year. It’s lifted for me now and I just have to deal with bouts of fear/anxiety which I seem to escape when I travel. While things move in flux and I’m sure you’ll start feeling better at some point, I know that feeling that feels like you’re just stuck in it. I think the Rising is onto something with connecting with what we find soulful. For me that’s being in nature and doing photography. I have a real sense of connection and purpose I get from it. I guess I could say that for me it’s the equivalent of taking an antidepressant or anti-anxiety med. I’m wondering if there is something you feel really connected to in your heart that you love doing? I know you like taking photos too from reading about your walks. I loved how you made that black and white photo on the day that was a bit grey. You could see the mood and capture it artistically.

The Rising, I think what you say about returning from travelling is really important - to keep going with the soulful activities you did while away. I get inspired while I’m away, so my goal is to try and bring that inspiration back into my daily life.

Sending you both kind wishes.

[therising]

Hi Eagle Ray and Dools

Photography is such an incredible thing. The saying 'A picture is worth a thousand words' is so true in some cases. Whether it's a snapshot in time where the photographer captures what they found to be so truly beautiful and soul stirring or it one where the heartbreaking terrors of war are expressed upon the face of a child, a photographer has the power to wake people up to what they may miss in a fleeting moment of time.

While the last time I used a camera for anything other than a quick pic was all the way back in my late teens, you've both led me to consider picking up this form of joy again. It was 1989 (in year 12) that I was developing black and while film in a dark room, being amazed by photography. While this was one of many art subjects that year, another was life drawing. Quite a confronting thing when you've never done it before, to stare at a naked person for half and hour as you draw them. We had all shapes and sizes to draw over the year, while developing a genuine appreciation of the human form. I hope I lead you both to a smile when I ask you to imagine a group of not so worldly art students waiting for their next nude model to walk in and in walks our photography teacher. Imagine the look on that group of kids 😅. Perhaps one of the greatest lessons he (my photography teacher) taught me was art is a subject for the open minded, the art of photography included.

[Doolhof]

Hi therising and to all reading,

Thanks for sharing your story here. I had wanted to do photography at school but my parents were unable to afford the course. Images fascinated me then and do now as well. Like you mentioned, a picture is like 1000 words.

The life drawing course is something I could not imagine happening in our school ! There were no sex education classes either. It was learn as you go basically and way back then parents hoped you waited until you were married! 

The drawing classes may well have been a little daunting at first I assume. Such a  wonderful opportunity and education! 

I do enjoy taking photos with my phone as that is all I have available at present. I would like a camera. Someone suggested looking for second hand ones so I might do that one day. 

One gloomy day recently I took black and white photos on my phone and was thrilled with the results.

Thanks for all you shared here therising! Regards to all from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi again therising,

I've just read your other post. You have expressed how I feel. For a couple of days I was in a home that is in a very quiet environment, the home is light and bright inside, there was not a massive jungle of weeds outside needing attention, nor a husband who is leaving on holidays soon for 6 weeks without me because he "has a right to go on holidays" yet it seems I don't for more than a couple of days! I have to return to a stressful job that I don't even know if I will have much longer!

Yesterday I had little energy for any of that. I was physically exhausted so read and snoozed, did washing, dishes and made meals. In the afternoon I dragged myself out of the house and caught up with friends for coffee which was lovely.

I will get my thinking cap on to consider different and new things I can do, or re-create  favourite activities. 

I made a list of things to do when I don't know what to do...so need to look for that list!