Struggling to get help

[Doolhof]

I know this is a place where we are supposed to encourage and support each other, to offer suggestions of where help may be received and to try to be positive in our experiences of reaching out for mental health guidance and care.

Unfortunately that has not been my experience for a long time living in the country.

My GP kept telling me he would make an appointment with me to do a mental health care plan. That took about 6 months. At an appointment I basically told him I needed help, could he please do the plan that day and not make me wait another 4 weeks for a next appointment.

The psychologist he recommended sent me an email stating with the information the Dr had written in the referral she was unable to assist me. She had not even met me!

Wait another 4 weeks for another Drs appointment.  A new psychologist was recommended, I had to drive to the city for this one. Had to wait a couple of months for an appointment. My appointment was to be on Thursday this week. Received an email from the psychologist stating "due to changes in his circumstances he is no longer able to offer me sessions".

I go to the local hospital and am told "the Doctors are too busy seeing more important patients to be able to see you".  The Nurse/Sister actually stated that to me over and over.

Looks like me and my sick mind are just going to have to keep trying to support myself until it doesn't work any longer.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Dools

I’m sorry you had a disheartening experience at your work function. I can certainly understand why you felt ignored and left, and why this experience seems to have triggered a decline in your mental health.

The thing is, I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that what you experienced is a reflection of you. To me, this type of issue is a preventable workplace injury.

I’m only guessing here but it could be that there may be issues with your workplace culture (eg lacks inclusivity and civility). Or, that additional planning should have occurred to ensure that everyone felt welcome and included (eg simply organising appropriate tables for lunch to help achieve function goals). It very well may be the case that you were not the only person to have a negative experience.

How would you feel about discussing the matter with either your manager or someone from your HR department? 

I ask because if I was responsible for managing that event I would want to know what happened so I could support you and do much better with my next event. Managers have a responsibility to maintain safe workplaces and prevent physical AND psychological injury. It’s really not okay for people to be excluded or ignored in the workplace. 
Kind thoughts to you

[Doolhof]

Hi Summer Rose,

Thanks for your comments. Last year I was bullied continually by a fellow staff meber whop used to yell at me, put me down in front of other staff and not relate inportant work places changes to me. I was then told off for not following correct protocal and procedures. She was in my team and with held that inofrmation.

I talked to the General Manager about the bulling and the HR person. The following week I was told I was not a good team player and I had over 20 hours of work a week taken away from me because I was being bullied and complained about it.

So no. I'm concerned if I make any kind of statement at work that doesn't involve praising everyone,  I will loose the remaining hours I have. 

My confidence and sense of self worth has been depleted. I want another job but don't have the courage to go out and look for something.

My participation at future work events may be zero. Too many bad experiences to have any expectations it can be different for me.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Dools

I hear you.
It sounds as though you have an incompetent employer at best, negligent at worst. I’m so sorry.

Now I understand your worry about obtaining references for your volunteer role.

Talking to Fair Work about your options is available to you, as you may still be able to challenge the outcome of your employer’s bullying investigation (I use the term lightly) and particularly the reduction of hours. It isn’t on for bullying complainants to receive retribution or disciplinary action in any form just because a complaint cannot be substantiated.
Based on what you’ve shared, I think your employer would struggle to defend their actions. It’s just a phone call to ascertain your rights. And, if you do call, I’d mention what happened at the work function and see what they say.

Agree a new job would be a great idea. Hopefully once you get working with your new psychologist you will find the strength and confidence.

Kind thoughts to you

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Dools

I’m so sorry you had this experience and I really want to stress that certain workplaces are better than others. I worked for several years doing relief work as a teacher assistant at various schools. There were some schools where staff were not particularly friendly and everyone was in their clique in the staff room at lunch. Efforts on my part to be social and interact were ignored. I’d feel invisible and not welcome. But then there were schools where I was welcomed and there were kind teaching staff who engaged with me in a friendly way and I felt welcome to sit with them at lunch. One school in particular always stood out to me with the warm and friendly staff. The school was led by an outstanding principal who was a warm, approachable person, so good with both the kids and the staff. So management/leadership plays an important role too in how general attitudes and ways of being filter through a workplace/organisation.

So what I’m trying to say is don’t let a poor workplace culture undermine you as a person. Other people not socially engaging with you can be a reflection of their lack of interpersonal skills and/or the general workplace culture. Sometimes you find that these very people actually lack social confidence and stick to their cliques out of insecurity, without the skills and emotional intelligence of how to include another person.

 I want you to know you are not invisible and you are valued here. It is a joy to read about your walks and it is apparent you are a feeling person connecting with the world around you. Sometimes in life it’s finding people who are on a similar page to us which helps with a sense of worth and validation.

Hopefully you can connect with a psych soon as this could help process things. I felt invisible as a child and have often felt it as an adult, but I’m gradually learning to see myself, so to speak - to give myself the love and validation I missed out on in the past. As this happens, I find the world is opening up in positive ways. I feel like you just need some positive, validating support which can be a great antidote to the upsetting experiences. Take care and healing thoughts to you.

[Doolhof]

Hi Summer Rose,

I phoned Fair work last year, waited on hold for almost an hour before I was connected. I was told unless I put in an official complaint and had the work place investigated, there was nothing they could do to advise or help me. I was told to phone Legal Aid...they told me to phone Fair Work Australia.

I feel like no matter where I turn for help I keep banging my head against a brick wall.

I try to tell myself it just feels that way and it isn't really so. Facts tell me differently. ! No wonder part of me wants to give up.

Today I did force myself out the door and went for a short walk. That was better than no walk at all. It is a glorious day weather wise!

[Doolhof]

Hi Eagle Ray,

Thanks for your kind words, I appreciate all everyone has written here. Work seems like a battle at times. I try so hard to do my best and to be pleasant to everyone. I was always nice to the miserable bully at work so have no idea why she was so mean and nasty.

Despite my claims as to how she treated me, she has been made my team leader even though I don't see her at work any longer. I am still not receiving updates from her and have to ask other staff what is going on from a different department. 

Self love is not always an easy thig to adopt is it when you have not been shown you are lovable by nurturing parents. Something else for me to work on.

I'm trying to practice gratitude. Those negative and destructive thoughts are strong blighters!

[Eagle Ray]

I hear you Dools!

Your experience sounds similar to mine with a workplace bully. I had one who screamed at me abusively. A more senior staff member actually supported that behaviour because he was scared of her and thought it was less likely he'd be attacked. Another day she wanted to go shopping and left her shift so I was alone handling customers during which I also had to handle an emergency. When I spoke to the manager her response was 'That's ok, as long as she makes up the time later'. No one was prepared to do anything about this person's conduct. I felt my only option was to eventually leave this workplace which had a number of issues.

Unfortunately I think the bullies often pick on the nice person. They sense that you are always kind and pleasant and they think they can get away with treating you however they want. I think eventually your sense of self builds up to a point where they energetically sense they can't push you around, without you even necessarily having to verbalise anything to them.

I've found with the right support my sense of self has definitely gotten stronger. I've managed to effectively communicate my boundaries to several people recently and as a result they are treating me better. I didn't have to do this forcefully. It's like they just started to sense I won't tolerate being pushed around any longer. I could feel myself valuing myself and that acted like a kind of forcefield/protection and also gave me the words to communicate clearly and much more easily than I have in the past.

If you keep doing your walks that are grounding and connecting for you, and you are able to find a psych you connect with, I feel you have some good ingredients there to help build a future that is more aligned with you and supporting you. Even if it feels a bit much to change jobs right now, if you can strengthen in terms of the support you have and your sense of self, I think it will become more possible to find work that is more aligned with your well being and happiness. Even volunteering say one morning a week somewhere that really interests you can be strengthening and encouraging. I'm now doing two mornings a week as a volunteer and it's starting to really benefit me and build my confidence in what is a nice environment. It's restoring a bit of faith in workplaces for me too.

Sending you care and support!

[Doolhof]

Hi Eagle Ray and all reading,

Thanks for your support and care. The last couple of days have not been so pleasant. I have managed to go walking, do a little crochet, watched movies and watered the gardens. I am still here so I guess that is a good thing!

I'm hoping the new psychologist can help me find some way of controlling/accepting/managing my negative thoughts. I keep reading where you just need to change your thoughts from negative to positive. How on earth can you do that when your mind goes from I'm having a bad day to I need to escape at all costs in 2 seconds flat.

It's a bit like if you have a flat tyre on your car and you are told to just change it. You don't go from flat tyre to new tyre just like that, there are steps that need to be taken. My mind and I have not worked out those steps yet on how to manage the overwhelming negative thoughts that keep tumbling around in my mind and attract more negatives.

One thing I have recalled is that our work place has an "Employee Assistance Program" where we have 3 free, supposedly confidential phone calls to a psychologist. The work place is billed once more supposedly without the work place knowing who had the services of the psychologist. 

I have managed to book an appointment for Thursday this week.

I'm thinking of sending an anonymous message to the boss regarding the training. It probably wouldn't be too difficult though for him to know who sent it!

Thank you so much to all the wonderful people whom have been supportive to me here. My fragile mind took me to a very dark place very quickly on Monday! Your help and caring has assisted me immensely. Thank you!

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Dools, I agree with you that switching from negative to positive thoughts doesn’t happen in an instant. I’ve found I have to go below thoughts to the world of feelings. Sometimes that means allowing myself to feel certain emotions first and let them out, such as sadness, anger, disappointment etc. If it’s anger I do this non-destructively (e.g. screaming into a pillow). Then as emotions are purged I start to feel myself internally shift and a space begins to open for more positive feelings. So for me it’s a very organic process that unfolds. I just thought I’d mention that in case it helps. Some people prefer to keep everything at a cognitive level. I’ve just found I need to work through things at an organic, feeling level, then the cognitive shift starts to just happen rather than me having to very consciously change thought patterns. Obviously only do that if it is actually helps you though!

I’m glad you have the Employee Assistance Program option and I hope you get some beneficial advice and support. With regard to sending the anonymous message to the boss, I guess just weigh up what you think the likely outcome may be and whether it is more likely to benefit you or not. You could run through options of how to approach things with the EAP psychologist.

 I know things don’t feel good with the work situation right now, but things do have a way of eventually working out, even if that means ultimately shifting to different employment down the track that suits you better. It’s just hard when going through it and not quite knowing how things are going to work out at this stage.

Take care and keep enjoying your walks!

[therising]

Hi Doolhof

I think inner dialogue would have to be one of the biggest challenges of all with depression, possibly because it's so convincing. There are actually times where when I come out of depressing periods I chastise myself a little, thinking 'I promised myself if it happened again (that dark dialogue) I wasn't going to believe it, not a single word'. As I say, it's so convincing because it feels like the depressing truth.

Before I go on, just want to make it clear the inner dialogue's not a voice, just words the mind registers or reads. So, it's about 'the words that come to mind'. People have different ways of managing the words/inner dialogue. Not always easy. A couple

• Some folk will meditate through prayer, so as to open their mind and see what divine guidance comes in for them. A 2 way channel through prayer for some folk may sound like 'I just do this anymore. I just can't cope with life. How do I go on?'. What may suddenly come to mind could be 'You've now reached a point where you cannot do this alone. You must find a guide to show you the way'.
• Channeling aspects or facets of self. Eagle Ray speaks of feelings which is such an important factor here. Facets of self that don't feel a depression will be the sage, the intolerant sense of self, the pure analyst (analysis without feeling) etc. Facets that can lead to great sufferance - the people pleaser, the child, the adventurer etc. Getting a feel for which facet is suffering (can be more than 1) and then tapping into a different facet is the ultimate challenge here. With a deeply depressing lack of energy, motivation and adventure, tapping into the sage may produce gentle guiding dialogue that sounds like 'Significant change does not come from the comfort of an armchair'. So, it's like being in 2 minds. One is the mind of the adventurer who sits suffering through no change, the other is the mind that provides guidance toward change. Two or more minds can battle things out at times