Struggling so much

[FrnkFntn]

Hi,
I don't know where to start. I am 54, father of two. Recently I have been hit by many issues at the same time. I live in QLD, but I have been working for 3.5 years in Melbourne for a company I co-created with others. It has been a very very long separation from my family, made worse by COVID and months-long separations in 2020, 2021. Recently, the work did not suit me anymore and I was eventually made redundant. Pretty much at the same time, my mum who lives in the Indian ocean on a little island called Reunion Island got very ill and I had to fly there in emergency. She almost died on me once barely 2.5 weeks ago, and in total went to ICU 3 times over the last 3 months. I think she is sorted out now; I have found an aged care center for her. Afterwards, I came back to Melbourne, packed my stuff, and drove back to Brisbane to find my mariage in tatters after a lengthy separation... All sorts of things that I had not taken time to process dawned on me in the last few days: How angry (in a vengeful way!) I was at my ex collaborators, how angry I was at myself for having imposed such a hardship to my family for the last 3.5 years, and then the double whammy of a struggling relationship with my wife. This is a lot to take on. I always have had issues of depression which I have tried to cope with to the best of my abilities for the last 25 years, using breathing techniques, meditation, sport, etc, having always managed to stay away from medications. Except for two weeks 13 years ago where I had to take myself to a psychiatric hospital. So that's me. I am back home with my beloved family, trying to mend things and resume my career. I think my big problem is that I am very impatient, and struggling with panic attacks (taking Saint John's Wort). In the last two days, I have felt everything dawning on me, felt overwhelmed and emotionally tapped out. At moments, I have felt like I wanted it all to end, without actually mentioning suicide yet. I had thoughts of suicide in the past, back in 2009, when I walked myself to a psychiatric ward. Right now, I can barely function. So step 1: function, step 2: reinsert myself in my family which has learned to go on without me for the last almost 4 years, step 3: forgive and move. Not necessarily in that order... Not sure...  It's just the first few days. I take it a day at a time. Depression and anxiety is such a curse... I hate it...

[Sophie_M]

Hey FrnkFntn,

This sounds like a really difficult and isolating time. It sounds like it’s been a really difficult time for you, and it must be really hard to comprehend and process the separation and your mother’s illness in that context. It sounds like you care for them deeply and are trying to be supportive and understanding through this, but it’s also hard to manage your own wellbeing through such a big change. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you.

Is there anyone that you feel able to talk to about this? It sounds like you could really do with talking things through, so we’d encourage you to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. There are some really good pointers here for staying connected, and finding support through a trying time. 

If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero). 

You mentioned you’ve come through a time of depression and suicidality in the past. Is there anything that helped you through that time that you could consider drawing on today? Maybe it was a good counsellor or mental health professional, maybe it was something suggested in a suicide safety plan, or maybe it was something you were doing like exercise or creativity that distracts you and gives you some purpose? It sounds like you have some in mind but we’d love to hear if there’s anything else coming to mind.   

It is wonderful that you have been able to reach out for support here on the forums, it must have been difficult to write this post but you never know who might read it and feel less alone in their own experience. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M 

[Petal22]

Hi FrnkFntn,

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it would be so hard.

You have been through a lot, Im sorry your mum was unwell I hope things improve with her.

Im also sorry to hear of your relationship with your wife.

I understand that Covid would have also made the separation more difficult.

Im sorry you are struggling with panic attacks I understand how difficult they are to endure.

Have you thought about making an appointment with your gp so you can discuss how you are feeling and how it’s affecting your life.

I understand that you have managed to stay away from medication can I ask why you feel the need to stay away from them.

I currently take a antidepressant and I’m grateful that they are available they weren’t so lucky in the oldern days.

I hope things improve for you soon.

[therising]

Hi FrnkFntn

You are a truly amazing person. When I read through all the ways in which you've managed to raise yourself in the past, through becoming more mentally and emotionally conscious and in managing to find strategies that have worked regarding your wellbeing, I couldn't help but feel amazed. I actually said 'Wow' out loud. You're an absolute inspiration.

I feel for you so deeply with all that you've been through and all that you currently face. It's torturous, facing so much while not knowing which way to raise yourself next. While we can be left thinking something along the lines of 'I've done 'overwhelming' before. I should be good at it. I should be a master at it by now. So, what's wrong with me?'. As a 52yo gal who's managed 'overwhelming' and depressing on a number of occasions over the years, I'd asked myself these kinds of questions a number of times. What's come to mind in recent times is 'You have never done this kind of 'overwhelming' before and you've never managed this kind of depressing situation before'. I smile when I reflect on the times, after this revelation, where I've thought 'Bugger! Really? Do I really have to develop another skill? Why can't I just cruise through life for a change. A break would be nice'. Skill development can become pretty exhausting but I'm sure I don't have to tell you that.

Something no one ever taught me was 'Breakdowns can be good. They can be highly constructive'. Breaking down everything that lead up to the point of extreme dis-ease can be a good thing. Damn right, it can become seriously angering when you gradually wake up to the neglectful, arrogant or depressing natures of others. I've come to realise a break down is a wake up call. It's far from a sign of weakness, as most would have us believe, it is a sign of overwhelming challenge, developing consciousness and sometimes pure exhaustion. It's proof we're in the process of raising our self, yet again. Breaking things down into manageable bite sized pieces becomes the ultimate challenge. Easier said that done, that's for sure. Sounds like you're already on your way to doing this.