Sick and tired of being sick

[Bbydoll]

Hello. I'm battling multiple auto immune diseases along with chronic pain. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired; physically, mentally, emotionally and financially etc. I've got no partner, kids or family around. And very few real friends that actually bother to check in on me. My shrink retired earlier in the year. I'm on medication but lately my health has once again deteriorated. Including over $2500 worth of urgent dental work with more needed afterwards.

I can't take much more of this. I spoke with a close friend the other day; who I haven't seen for 8 months and although he was kind enough to let me pour my heart out. He couldn't help me. And has other priorities. I feel as though everyone thinks I'm ok.. because I've been through so much that I'll get through this.

I just want it to end. I'm tired of struggling. Every. Single. Day.

I don't want to live like this anymore.

[Bbydoll]

Thank you Sophie! I am sweating in the humidity and feeling physically ill. I had bad indigestion from binge eating last night. But got up mid morning to take meds with a banana. I have a high pain day as well. Took some soda but now feel bloated all over and got dressed and went to an appointment only to find out that it's tomorrow and not today. I felt so stupid. But the secretary "tried" to fit me in... but it looked like she wasn't even going through the motions. And she just mumbled something about it being so close to Christmas. I walked out of there.. and sweated all the way home. Just because it's grey outside doesn't mean that it's cold weather! I was all rugged up which only made things that much more uncomfortable for me. I'm home now an got undressed the moment I was through the front door. I feel ill still and can't get cool as my fan is in pieces on the lounge room floor because I'm too thick to put it together. And to top things off my phone keeps typing random things all by itself when I go into chat mode on messenger or send a text message. Previously I just restarted it and it fixed it. But now I couldn't even do that. I think this phone needs to be replaced and I don't have a cent to my name.

[Bbydoll]

My friend finally came over and fixed my light bulb and put together my fan for me. He was only over for an hour but was very apologetic about taking so long; he was dealing with a lot of family issues but obviously I didn't know about that because he wasn't communicating to me before hand. I've had another 2 fillings done by the dental clinic and have a cleaning to be done by them. ThenI need a further 4 fillings done at a private clinic and my crown which will cost $1000. And despite me needing all of this work done. There is no follow up appointments at the dental clinic it's complete b.s because I obviously am going to need a watchful eye on my teeth and don't have the money plus have medical conditions and medications that give me dry mouth and contribute to ongoing issues. .. but nope. I'm back in the private system and she said... oh make sure that you get a professional clean every 6 months... like I'm deliberately not looking after myself. I'm angry with myself and my body for letting me down. I have every intention of doing things like sorting all the clothes strewn across the floor.. and cleaning my apartment but all I managed today was to get up have breaky etc walk to the dental clinic and then walk to Australia post who of course didn't deliver my parcel... which doesn't fit in my backpack.. so I use a plastic bag to walk a kilometer or so home... then jump into the shower in an attempt to get my body temperature down. I looked like a tomato at this stage... fall into bed and sleep.. wake up about 3 hours later, binge eat and drink. Making myself feel ill. And bloat up. There's nothing worthwhile on tv.. so I'll probably listen to music until I don't feel ill. Then go to sleep. So it feels like a waste of a day. My place is the worst it's been. Yet I can't get any help. And so I'm stuck with it. I was struggling with the heat, the humidity and a body that's not working properly. I feel like my bodies general conditioning has deteriorated so much. And I want to do more and I can't and I'm so frustrated and angry and no one has a clue how much I'm struggling and there's no way out of the struggle.

[monkey_magic]

Hey Bbydoll,

I hear you. It sounds like you've been struggling on your own for a very long time.

Lots of good news in your latest thread though. Stuff that needed to be done is done.

Sorry to hear that your body's general condition has deteriorated so much. Your situation is unique and non- comparible to others because it's a very different set of circumstances. A lot of us have something to bear in our lifetime and yours is your health. It is unfair if u ask me but life is unfair to some of us.

It's been unfair to me but I'm also very lucky and have had blessings along the way too.

The good comes with the bad. Count your blessings.

I also believe we are the creator of our own destinies. While there are things we have no control over, there is also a lot that we do have control over.

Here's to hoping you have a merry Xmas and better experiences in the new year.
🥂

[Bbydoll]

Hey Monkey, thanks for your kind words. I'm sick of struggling with my health - it's been since I was a teenager. I'm in my 40s now. And have been adding vertigo to the list.. which isn't fun at all.

Plus I'm still struggling with the finances. So Christmas isn't going to be exciting unfortunately. I can barely afford to keep my head above water. I just want life to be easier and it never gets any easier. I'm so tired of struggling with everything and no support. I know what I want from life. And it never happens. .. so I don't know why I'm trying to make it happen.

I'm sick of struggling and sick of life

[Sophie_M]

Hey Bbydoll, thanks for continuing to share your story here on the Beyond Blue forums. We're very sorry to hear how much you are struggling tonight. We acknowledge how difficult things have been for you and can understand your frustration that things do not seem to get easier. But we promise you that there are always positive times ahead and there is support available if you need it.  We think it would be reassuring for you to read over our Financial wellbeing webpage, it hosts a lot of useful resources such as the Covid-19 Financial Survival Guide.  Have you been able to reach out to our Support Service? The Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 or our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 are available to provide support and advice 24/7. Please do feel free to use these services to talk through what's on your mind when it's feeling like too much to cope with.
Please also feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it.

[Guest_1055]

Hey Bbydoll, my struggles are different to yours. But I feel the same as you... I am sick of struggling and sick of life.

Just wondering what it is that you want out of your life?

[Bbydoll]

Hi Shelll, thanks for your reply. I'd love to be able to afford to travel to Japan when the cherry blossoms are in season or do a trip from LA to New york. Or visit Canada and see Lake Louise. I wanted to get married and have a couple of kids and a couple of dogs. My ill health has meant that I can't work and haven't managed to complete any type of full or part time study in person. EVERY single time I put myself out there and attempt to complete something - my health deteriorates and I get sicker - and not having any type of physical support means that I have to give up whatever I'm doing and rest and try and get over a flare of my illnesses. I can't even get a boyfriend -because no guy wants to be tied down to someone with ill health and that walks with a cane in their 40s. I've tried getting help from the disability officer on campus at my local university but even that wasn't enough. I still have to run errands; do my washing and cooking and chores on top of being unwell and often in a lot of physical pain. I'm tired of being a complete failure. I have been rejected by the NDIS and I'm sure it's because I have auto inmune illnesses - which they don't see as a disability. I only have 2 friends that I see once a blue moon. Any other friends are online. I'm struggling financially which means that I can't afford the Internet. I don't have any streaming services on my tv. I'm being screwed over by my phone company and can barely afford to eat properly which doesn't help my health. I need to see specialist doctors but can't afford it. I need to get work done on my teeth that isn't covered by the local dental clinic.. I'm physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually drained and I'm tired of struggling with EVERY aspect of my life. I don't talk to most of my family because I can't trust them. Mum is in care. Dad has passed. And the only other family that I see rarely is my brother and his family.

[Guest_1055]

The dream you have of travelling sounds real good. I would love to do that as well. Going to Canada sounds especially nice. Do you have an adventurous spirit then? It sounds like you do. I have one.

Troubling circumstances in life often feel like a storm to me. I sort of feel tossed around and they can feel so so overwhelming and heavy. And it's a challenge to see anything good in life. I think I need to look better at the good things, things that are lovely, things that are beautiful etc. Do you ever do that at all? Cause it is not easy when swamped with all this heavy stuff. And sometimes challenging when you are dealing with physical pain.

Cherry blossoms sound pretty, I am not sure what they look like. But will find out

[Bbydoll]

Cherry blossoms are beautiful and leave a trail of blossoms on the ground. Not surprisingly it's a busy time in Japan when they come out! I love the food as well.

Hard times make me feel like I'm suffocating - especially at the moment and I feel invisible in dealing with this alone. I'm finding it very difficult not to want hurt myself at the moment... even without the crappy year that everyone seems to have had!

[Sophie_M]

Dear Bbydoll,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. This year has definitely been hard and overwhelming for many. We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Please know that our community is here for you. 
 
We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). If you do feel unsafe or want to hurt yourself, we strongly encourage you to call 000 or to visit your local emergency department for support.