Sick and tired of being sick

Bbydoll · ‎23-06-2020

Hello. I'm battling multiple auto immune diseases along with chronic pain. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired; physically, mentally, emotionally and financially etc. I've got no partner, kids or family around. And very few real friends that actually bother to check in on me. My shrink retired earlier in the year. I'm on medication but lately my health has once again deteriorated. Including over $2500 worth of urgent dental work with more needed afterwards.

I can't take much more of this. I spoke with a close friend the other day; who I haven't seen for 8 months and although he was kind enough to let me pour my heart out. He couldn't help me. And has other priorities. I feel as though everyone thinks I'm ok.. because I've been through so much that I'll get through this.

I just want it to end. I'm tired of struggling. Every. Single. Day.

I don't want to live like this anymore.

Bbydoll · ‎04-12-2020

Well the extra government money came through this morning. And two thirds of it went to my overdue phone bill. And most of the last third has gone onto very overdue payments of zippay who are clamping down on missed payments. I've been trying to pay it off since the beginning of the year when my dentist wanted me to use it instead of regular payments out of my pays. I still owe about 80% of it to pay out. I finally saw the dental clinic and was lucky enough to have the beginning of work done. I still have a long way to go but it's a start. They also gave me a voucher to use for several fillings in a private practice... I am going to try and use the same practice that I went too but I need to pay them $60 for previous xrays and $1000 for a long overdue cap to save an upper tooth. It's taken about 6months to see them!!!! And I probably only got in because I was hospitalized earlier this year with an abcessed tooth. And I'm on a truckload of medications. It's all exhausting! We are in for a hot day and I don't do well with the heat. No aircon and still need help putting together a fan I bought last year that no one has had time to help me with.😠

monkey_magic · ‎06-12-2020

Hey Bbydoll,

I went to ALDI recently. Overall I think it is cheaper but I don't think some items are as good quality as other stores. Pick and choose I guess.

Any luck with the light bulb and fan?

50c pasta- score!

So dental work has started which is a positive.

Dying in the heat, not so good. Did u get through it ok?

I'd be spraying myself with cold water and sucking on iceblocks, having a cold shower. I toss and turn in bed if it's too hot so def need to be cooled.

Just bought a 4wd with air- cond thank God since my other car didn't have any.

How have u been recently?

Bbydoll · ‎07-12-2020

Hi Monkey,

I'm currently headachy and not sleeping. I think that the neighbor above me is closing his place up and smoking - although technically they're not supposed to be doing so. I know that my neighbour either side of me on the same level is doing so... but I'm fairly certain that one of them is still away at the moment. I actually am lucky with the heat -because my body temperature is that of a reptile.. I'm usually cold all the time!! And I was tonight; watching crap on tv. So got up and had a hot shower and got ready for bed and now can't sleep because I've been sleeping all day. Weekends are the worse for feeling lonely as are the holidays and I know my mental state gets worse around this time. I don't want to celebrate Christmas because it's not like I've got anything to celebrate. I feel more like a failure than anything else. No friends. No partner. No kids.. another year fighting my health and for what?? It hasn't gotten me anywhere. I haven't achieved anything.

I contacted my exshrink last week to try and see if she could help me get to Aldi and home afterwards. No reply. She's usually better at responding so I might try again. The quality I've found has usually been quite good. I guess it depends on the turnover of stock and maybe location of the shop. My friend still hasn't responded to any of my calls or texts.. I should check out his Facebook page and see if I can get any answers as I still have not gotten the light bulb or fan fixed. I told my other friend that the phone company was ripping me off and that 90% of the government extra money has gone onto bills all true.. and all she did was an angry emoji face at it.

Enjoy your air con in your new car. I'd have to get to the shops for air con... but I hate being at the shops this time of year and avoid it like the plague even without covid!! Some idiot was coughing on me whilst there last week and im inmune suppressed - so really don't need this.

My uncle who's organising Christmas day for my extended family wants me to come over on Christmas eve and stay the night as its difficult to get there if you don't have a car. But I don't want to deal with the rest of the family as they make my mental health issues worse. Besides my brother organises our immediate family get together on Christmas eve of either late lunch or early dinner ... so it will probably clash anyways.

monkey_magic · ‎07-12-2020

Hi Bbydoll,

One of my pet hates is societal expectations on people and then ppl placing those expectations on themselves.

It doesn't matter if you don't have a partner, kids, friends...this can all change if u want it to.
I'm 38 no partner, no kids and I'm free as a bird. And I will never hold not having those things over my head. Others around me expect me to have those things but societal standards just go over my head.
I can do what I want when I want and I love that.
I feel blessed.

You don't have to feel like a failure for riding life solo. You have had so much on your plate with your health and that's an achievement. Getting through each and everyday with those challenges. Celebrate that.

I think a good sleep/wake cycle is crucial and I'd go to bed and night, stay awake during the day, if that's possible. I think U feel much better if u do that.

Xmas should hopefully be good then. I'm having a get together at mum's but might skip dad's this year. He doesn't want to include me in his will, he wants to give my brother's 50/50 I think bcas he holds men in higher regards than woman. I feel like I don't want to care about him or be there for him anymore. If he cuts me out of his will why should I keep him in my life?

I've been wrestling with this for some time. Some ppl r plain bad. They can be good to your face and keep saying they love you but not mean it at all.

Bbydoll · ‎07-12-2020

Hi Monkey,

I had a fallout with most of my extended family 18months or so a go and some of them just don't seem to understand that if they can't respect me, and listen to and respect my wishes then why should I make myself sick being around them! They started causing me, personally; problems when my father passed away. I think they thought they were looking after me but.. they weren't. They were against every decision I made medically for myself. And when I tried to explain it. It went on deaf ears.; they thought that because they're older than me they knew better. But it was my body that was going in and out of hospital and doctors appointments etc. They have no clue about my mental health stuff except for when I tried once to explain it to a cousin's wife - she basically shot me down and said oh no you don't have that.

I've always wanted to get married and have a couple of kids, anda couple of dogs and a house somewhere. The older I get. The more I know it won't happen. I feel like I'm just waiting for my time to be up. There is not much keeping me afloat these days. The only people that won't me ate

Sophie_M · ‎07-12-2020

Dear Bbydoll,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry about how you are currently feeling. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming. We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it.

Bbydoll · ‎07-12-2020

The people that I owe money too. This phone keeps posting before I finish. I just typed up that I wanted a guy who wants me and is not being used for a carer... but guys don't want anything they think will be difficult ie dealing with someone with health issues. I've tried several different dating sites. They just go from bad to worse. Most are just looking to hook up.. or string you along. It's pathetic.

I feel like I'm waiting for my time to end. There's not much keeping me afloat these days.

I'm so sorry that you're having issues with family too. They're supposed to love us unconditionally but I think they missed the memo!

Bbydoll · ‎10-12-2020

Feeling like a complete emotional wreck this morning.

I've been suffering from vertigo for several days and also I sent off a message to my brother and uncle and said that I'm not doing the extended Christmas as I don't feel comfortable with my family. Neither of them replied to my message despite it being sent at lunch time yesterday. I just wish I felt worthy of something of anything. Maybe I deserve to suffer. My teeth are a mess - so is my body. Maybe I don't deserve nice things.. maybe I am kidding myself that things will get better when they never do. I am seeing a show next month but other than that. .. not much else to look forward to.

I checked out my friends Facebook page and nothing screams out why he's avoiding me. It's probably been 6 weeks since I first asked for his help - still no response/reply to any of my previous voice or texts messages.

Maybe I should just stop pretending that life is going to get better every time I try and move forward my body screws it up if I don't. Why aim high. When everything always falls apart and I'm looking like an idiot for trying.

I'm very fat, in debt and my health is in the gutter. Despite getting a half dozen free fillings from the dental clinic covered. It doesn't include root canals, crowns or a mouthguard needed whilst I sleep as I grind my teeth and to prevent me cracking a filling which I've done in the past! Having a constant dry mouth doesn't help the dental situation either. My GP said that I could come off all my meds because he's convinced that is what's causing it. But I think it's a combination of that. Plus auto immune illnesses besides lots of the damage is done. . It's not like I can turn the clock back and it will be all undone. I have to live with the consequences of it. I've already lost 2 teeth this year . I'm a fat. Ugly. Freak.

Bbydoll · ‎13-12-2020

Still feeling fat and deflated about everything. I spent about $150 at Aldi on some fruit, veggies and protein. I had one of their precooked lamb shanks which made me feel like I was eating hospital food. And was greasy as well.. so not great and had to throw most of it out. My gut has been upset but I'm guessing because I was eating nuts earlier and can't eat a large serving. Well I'm hoping that's all it is. And not my crohns disease flaring up! I spent more money on groceries than I anticipated and still didn't get everything on my list. My ex shrink drove me around the shops and could see that I was physically in pain towards the end. This is one of the reasons why I need to be on the NDIS as I physically struggle to get everything done on my own!! I had done a fair bit of walking the day before and I was struggling after that and almost cancelled the grocery run but my whole place was pretty much out of food. All I've done today was sleep in until about lunch time when my neighbours noises woke me up. I just wish that life wasn't so difficult for me... then maybe I'd feel different. But I have no quality of life. I struggle with everything. I started this in June and not much has changed in 6months with the exception of finally getting some work done on my teeth. I'm being screwed over by my phone company paying $150-$170 a month on my phone bill and when I tried to get on a better (cheaper) plan -I was told that I couldn't because I had a few late payments and they wouldn't change the plan. I've paid off the actual phone - it's just the Internet/phone connection that I'm using. Zip pay is another problem. My dentist wanted me to use them at the beginning of the year to pay for work and they keep on saying that I missed a payment but try and take money out of my account on the wrong days and keep charging extra on top of what I owe. The only people contacting me are people that want money out of me. I have a seriously overdue electricity bill as well to take care of and so it goes on. I only have about $300 a week to live off. And no one else to help me out . honestly feel that I would be better off not being here as I wouldn't have to struggle anymore.

Sophie_M · ‎13-12-2020

Hey Bbydoll,

Thanks for posting here and letting us know how you're feeling. We're so sorry you're feeling deflated about everything and experiencing anxiety about finances and health. It does sound like you are trying to find ways to make payments on certain things and are asking questions and inquiring which shows you are capable and want to show up for yourself. Please stay strong and know there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it.