Self loathing, trapped.

[Guest_1211]

I just want to punish myself repeatedly. I do, not in usual ways I guess. But the urge is constant right now.

I am so angry about stage four lockdowns. They feel so wrong and so pointless and so unfair. I feel trapped and like I’ve done something wrong and I’m just disgusted with every aspect of myself.

So I purposely make myself feel ill, I refuse to take painkillers when I am feeling bad pain because I don’t deserve them, I have stopped taking supplements that help me, and I hurt myself. Its nothing that leaves a mark, nothing anyone can see, I’m much smarter than when I was younger.

My normal coping mechanisms are all gone. My big, busy, distracting life has been taken away from me. Things have closed in around me. I can’t escape the thoughts, feelings, intrusions, nightmares, loneliness, slow time dragging...

I hate this so much.

[Guest_1211]

So sorry GGrand and EM.

it’s been pretty difficult.

I try to do better, but it’s so hard when you feel so negative toward yourself...

I was trying to get out and exercise some more but now I have people concerned that I’m pushing myself too hard in that area too...

Its just so difficult not to turn everything into a punishment as it’s do reflexive to berate myself. The constant critic is so loud and instant. And this week I just feel sick and anxious.

[ecomama]

Hi fernwehr

I think when we're feeling really low, we get it in our heads that nothing will work & nothing feels good & nothing feels right.

And you would be correct if that's how you feel.

But slowly, step by step, and sometimes 3 steps forward and 5 back then forward and back again etc.... we DO the things that ppl tell us WORK. Because they do .... over time.

There is no instant cure. That's the bad part.

But there are so many things, thoughts and actions that make a real difference.

Talking it all out is one of them.

Getting pretty honest feedback and lots of love and care (even from your online family) is another.

Taking CARE of yourself is the ultimate thing to start doing... and building these things in as normal. Over time they become NORMAL. Just every day things we do for ourselves.

Do just ONE thing. Listening to Kristen Neff in the bath is my self-care fave. I bought and was given as gifts, all sorts of facial scrubs and body scrubs lol, I've just about scrubbed myself away!
Well maybe just the unwanted parts.

Love EM

[Guest_1211]

I know what you’re saying but they all feel superficial. Which makes things seem weird and juxtaposed right now.

I tried to do something good for me, outside exercise but then apparently I’m doing too much and using it punitively.

so I’ll just not eat then. I’m so scared I’ll gain weight. Things are just so out of control I’m trying to control some elements but I’m stuffing it all up anyway.

and I have this fear hanging over me, I’ve done something wrong, I’m going to get in trouble.

everyone is going to see me for the fraud I am. People will be happy I’ve been out in my place and I will disappear

[Sophie_M]

Hi fernwehr,

We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling so out of control. We can hear that you're going through a really hard time at the moment. Please remember that you're not alone and that this community is here for you.

It's concerning that you're considering not eating. There is an organisation called the Butterfly Foundation which offers support for eating disorders and body image issues. We'd urge that you check out their website - https://butterfly.org.au/

It might also be helpful to join a support group to try and meet people in your area who might be having similar experiences - these might be online at the moment in some areas.​​​You can find information on support groups is available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

These are in addition to the helplines we have previously recommended - please do get in contact with any of them if you do need some support. We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.

[Guest_1211]

Sometimes my inability to sleep upsets me more than other times. Sometimes I just accept it, it’s like this, I can’t sleep, and that’s it. Other times I get so frustrated with myself. I’m so sick of it. I’m so tired. I’m taunted by the little snippets of light sleep that are just a tease. It feels like a cruel joke.

It gives me too much time to dissect things. Too much time to ponder what I’ve done wrong, what I shouldn’t have done or done better.

More time reflecting on experiences from so long ago that I don’t understand why they consume my thoughts so much and won’t go away.

It makes me think I’m overdramatising it all. Maybe I’m making it into more than it was. I feel needy and attention seeking, like I’m invoking sympathy I don’t deserve.

[Ggrand]

Hello fernwehr...

I can understand about not sleeping because your mind is constantly going through your life’s struggles...,It’s important that we can get a good sleep each night..

A few months ago I started listening very attentively to sleep stories on you tube...We need to divert our thoughts onto something else..for me Listening to those stories takes my thoughts onto the small adventures in the stories...It might not work for you..but I am gently urging you to give them a try..,If you search You Tube..Dan Jones Sleep stories you can choose one you want to listen too...

Depression and anxiety keeps our thoughts awake and chatty most of the time..My counsellor told me when my thoughts start to be chatty..to think or do something that you need to use your mind to think about...ie hobbies, music, singing, listening to stories, drawing...anything at all..

Youre not overdramatising, needy or attention seeking...You’re struggling with depression/anxiety and it’s so very hard to manage them on your own, without professional help and/or meds....

Please fernwehr..if you need to talk to someone the counsellors at the Beyond Blue 24/7....Phone number is ..1300 22 4636..are so very nice and understanding....and would love to help you..

Please talk here when you feel up to it..We are here for you..and if you feel up to it tonight...let a very gentle voice take you on a peaceful journey to sleep....with Dan Jones’s stories...

My kindest thoughts with my care..

Grandy..

[Guest_1211]

Gosh I do just feel so ridiculous writing on here. I know that no one would notice if I disappeared. I know everyone means well, and what you write is genuine... but by the same token if I never replied again, would anyone give it a second thought?
so it’s all pretty ridiculous isn’t it?
I don’t know why I’m writing. I guess now it’s just a distraction. Something to channel some of this discomfort.
I just feel this panic inside. That nothing will get better. That things will get worse. That something bad will happen. That someone will notice. I know I seem like a pathetic attention seeking mess on here. But to anyone outside they hardly have a clue how bad I’m feeling behind the facade. The damage I do to myself in private.
I feel like such a fraud, that people come to me, confide in me, but I feel like I’m about to implode.
I just feel utterly fearful. I don’t trust myself. I feel ashamed and dirty. Yet I don’t believe my own experiences. I don’t think anyone would. I worry that they aren’t true. I worry that they are. I don’t want anyone to know, but I don’t know how to keep living with the intrusions and the dreams and lack of sleep. And I’m scared someone will see me.

[Sophie_M]

Hi fernwehr,

We're sorry that you're feeling so low. We can hear that you have a lot of thoughts and emotions, and it sounds overwhelming and distressing. Please know that even in dark times there is always hope.

You might be interested in our page on "Sleeping well" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well/sleeping-well

Remember that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope you can find some peace and manage to get some rest tonight.

[Guest_1211]

I have tried so much of that. But when I do get to sleep the intrusions wake me.
GGrand, I tried the Dan Jones stories but still struggled. If I get to sleep I’m still attacked there. I am vulnerable because I have no control when I do sleep. Thanks though for the suggestion...

...but here I am again in the middle of the night and I can’t stop it. It’s like it’s happening all over again.

[ecomama]

Hi fernwehr

It seems very clear to me that you're having trauma responses. If this is the case then indeed you're right, you think it will all get worse and it will.

But I thought it would all get better (without help) and I was wrong.

At the very least you're showing signs of extreme anxiety - this can get worse without help too.

You need to speak to someone IRL with MH Qualifications.

Your "condition" will get worse without it as you're experiencing text book signs of trauma.

Yes those self care things sound extremely fickle but they help... A LOT.

I suggest very strongly that the bare minimum you need to do is phone either 1800RESPECT and talk to the beautiful Counsellors there OR the BB Helpline who can also help with referring you to a IRL Counsellor.

I had a Counsellor for years and she helped keep me steady for MANY traumatic years through Courts.

But this year I needed more as the intrusive thoughts were getting "bigger" and making my life unmanageable. I got a referral to a Specialist Trauma Psych and only needed 5 sessions.
I may seek more help later but am managing well atm.
I kept my Counselling going throughout.

It's time to take responsibility for what's going on with you.

This is VERY different to taking responsibility for what happened to you.

Best wishes
EM