Self loathing, trapped.

[Guest_1211]

I just want to punish myself repeatedly. I do, not in usual ways I guess. But the urge is constant right now.

I am so angry about stage four lockdowns. They feel so wrong and so pointless and so unfair. I feel trapped and like I’ve done something wrong and I’m just disgusted with every aspect of myself.

So I purposely make myself feel ill, I refuse to take painkillers when I am feeling bad pain because I don’t deserve them, I have stopped taking supplements that help me, and I hurt myself. Its nothing that leaves a mark, nothing anyone can see, I’m much smarter than when I was younger.

My normal coping mechanisms are all gone. My big, busy, distracting life has been taken away from me. Things have closed in around me. I can’t escape the thoughts, feelings, intrusions, nightmares, loneliness, slow time dragging...

I hate this so much.

[Guest_1211]

Thanks to you as well EM.

I am taking something for sleep tonight, I hope it works tonight, it often doesn’t. I am so exhausted, it’s been a long few nights.

I do have a psychologist IRL. She is awesome. I’m not. I’m finding it really difficult.

Xx

[Guest_1211]

But no of course, even with really strong sleep meds here I am wide awake. Feeling so alone with my thoughts and memories. Everything is louder, it seems unbelievable. But it keeps forcing my attention no matter how I try to divert my focus.
Sometimes I don’t even know what specifically is hurting me it just an overwhelming feeling, I feel powerless.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Fernweher,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 

[Ggrand]

Hello fernwehr,

Not knowing what is making you feel the way you do...is making you feel that way...That’s were our Psychs come into play..They dig around our minds helping to find any hidden trauma, so we then face it together with our Psychs....being completely open to your psych..will benefit your mental health...They need to know everything so they can help us....

On an earlier post you said you opened up a bit more to your psych..that was so brave of you..maybe next visit if you draw on your strength maybe you could open up a little bit more.....each little bit helps to build the big picture of your trauma and hurt...

I really hope you got some decent sleep last night, after you posted..

My kind thoughts dear fernwehr...and care

Grandy..

[Guest_1211]

Are you guys getting sick of me yet? I’m sorry to keep posting so often, but I just keep getting myself feeling so uncomfortable and I’m doing this rather than doing what I promise I won’t.

I’ve been walking. Yes, too much, too far. Too obsessive about food intake. But surely that’s better than taking out on myself other ways? I’ve been spending impulsively as well. I know none of these things are good. But they seem better than the alternatives?

im trying to be more open to my feelings, the emotional responses, trying to name them, connect them... but then I feel out of control and like it’s too big and being open to them might actually overwhelm me completely. Then I space out and I can’t afford to do that. I feel like I’ve lost any little bit of control I have left.

I just feel stuck. Like I’m wasting everyone’s time and energy. I just can’t move forward

[Sophie_M]

Hey fernwehr,

We're so grateful that you're keeping your friends here on the forums updated on how you've been feeling. This is a safe space for you to reach out, and we hope you always feel welcome to post- our community are here for you to offer as much advice and conversation as you need. 

It sounds like you are trying your best to keep your mind off these overwhelming feelings, but please remember that you never have to go through this alone. If you feel up to talking through these feelings tonight, we'd really encourage you to reach out to our Support Service (1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). We hope you know these services are always available to you, as often as you need, whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with.

We hope you keep reaching out and updating us on how you're going, whenever you feel ready. 

 

[Guest_1211]

I just feel really ashamed of my neediness. Keeping my thoughts so secretively makes it very lonely. I’m surrounded by people but on my own.
I just hate imposing on people, but I’m not okay to be alone.

[Ggrand]

Dear fernwehr...

Its okay to talk here honey, no we are and never will get sick of you talking here...We are all here for the same reason, for some support and care of our beautiful community family..Which you are a part of ...

I have no loved ones living even close to me..that’s why I joined up a few years ago..and I was a crumbling mess..The people’s care and support here started pulling me up...I still have a long way to go...but I’m getting their with small baby steps..and I’m certain you will start to take those steps one at a time..while we hold your hand and try to move you forward..

fernwehr, I started a journal not that long ago..something like a dies I write in each night about the way my day went and all the emotions I felt onbthat day..both good and bad emotions...at times of me getting into a CPTSD trigger downer I write in my journal what put me down, how I’m feeling and what I can do to help myself to lift up a bit...It really does work as a reference for my mental health...Honey do you think that it’s something that you might try...You could even present it to your psychologist when you visit...if it’s to hard for you to open up....

If you need to give Beyond Blue 24/7 help line a ring if you need to talk verbally to someone very caring and understanding..

We are here for you lovely lady, when your up to talking..

My kindest and caring thoughts Dear fernwehr with a gentle caring hug....and a beautiful 🌹...for a beautiful person,,

Grandy..

[Guest_1211]

I have tried that, I’m not good at journalling... I do sometimes write locked notes in my phone. Sometimes I email it to my psych. She always tells me to email if I need. She replies to me as well which I appreciate so much. I’m torn between hating the fact that I’m disturbing her, taking up her time, being needy and clingy. But at the same time desperately needing the reply or reassurance. Or needing her to know how bad I’m feeling in between times, because I’ll rarely say it in person.

...but right now I’m just feeling this intense feeling of hatred for myself. I just want to physically tear myself apart. I’m just seething under my skin although no one would know from looking at me.

[Ggrand]

Hello fernwehr..

I think that it’s a good idea that you can email your psych..and she is their to help you..if you were being to clingy or needy I’m sure your psych would let you know..

Thats okay about journaling it doesn’t work foe everyone....Finding something that works for you is very important to distract the negative thoughts circling your thoughts...

If it’s okay to ask you..only answer if you feel or want to..What is it that you hate so much about yourself? To me you are a kind and caring person...with a husband and two beautiful children, that love you...I’m just curious that’s all..maybe if you know why you hate yourself, it might be a start to your journey of wellness and self care...

Thinking of you Dear fernwehr, with my care..

Grandy..