Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely72

It is so wonderful to hear from you and what a very different situation that you are in right now, can I say how many positive things are happening to you and things you have chosen for your wellbeing, this is so wonderful.

I am so sorry to hear about the relationship with Lea but it seems like the time apart is serving you well with less triggers and some space and some clarity, this is such a good thing for you.

Mostly I was sooo happy to hear that the urges to hurt yourself have decreased and this is truly wonderful. That is another sign that good things are possible Ely and while you may have a few set backs, the truth is right there and that is that is possible to have better days, to have some joy and to see some hope.

Trauma therapy does sound like a very emotional journey however please trust in the process and that you are fully supported by specialists who have your very best interest at heart. That they are professionals and feel like you are able to cope and to manage with this level of therapy, sure it will be hard, really hard and very traumatic, but trust in the process and lean on your supports, true progress and healing never comes easily.

It has been so great to chat to you some more and you do sound like you are in a very good place and are making some wonderful progress and I am so happy for you.

Keep chatting and keep calling out for support, you are awesome.

Hugs

Sarah

[Ely_]

It's been a horrible week. I knew Christmas would be hard. Lots of firsts. First on my own. First without Ella. Feel like I shouldn't have made it this long.

My ex spent xmas eve arvo with my family instead of me being able to. She then left me a gift which Mum said I had to accept. I ended up giving it to my sister... My aunt was there with my deceased cousin's urn, on the table... So uncomfortable especially after the year I have had. My Oma asked about my scars and gave me heaps about them. I couldn't get up her or anything because she has alzheimer's.

Xmas day I found out my ex spent lunch with my cousins and my other aunt. I believed my Mum set it up. Ended up having a fight with Mum about it last night after which she said she would leave me alone now and stop talking to me. Yay abandonment again.

Today my sis called my sh silly. My Oma again gave me grief about my scars and wouldn't stop when I asked. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all day. I bought things. Tried all my dbt skills and distractions. Rang mental health. They said take an extra medication n meditate on something happy. When I am like this I can't think about anything else...

I want so badly to sh. I want to stop feeling the emotions that are cracking through the walls inside. I want to stop thinking for a while.

I feel like ACT MH just was dismissive. Waste of time.

I wish I had a way to not be here at all anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Ely72, 

Thank you for reaching out tonight on the forums as we can hear it's been a very stressful Christmas for you. We're so sorry to hear how dismissive your family were about your scars. We can imagine how hurtful it would've been to hear your sister say they are silly and your Oma freely comment on them. We acknowledge the suffering and pain associated with SH and how upsetting it would be for your family to not take this seriously. We're also sorry to hear that your family contacted your ex-partner without your consent or without consideration for your feelings. This must've been very hurtful. 

Is there anyone you could contact throughout this time? perhaps a friend, psychologist or counsellor you could discuss these events with? It sounds as though you are trying so hard to look after your wellbeing and we are sorry to hear your family has caused so much extra stress. 

We have sent a private message to check-in with you as we are concerned about you.

In addition to this, there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments. Some of these 24/7 services include Lifeline - 13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-12am) and the Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467.

And if you find yourself in a situation where you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should call 000 (triple zero).

Please feel free to tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best support you through this overwhelming time of year. 
 

[Guest_4593]

I was attracted to the head line self harm and giving up . I cant focus enough to read everything but im relating to the first few words giving up. I think i get a hold of something in my life and another shoe drops . I was surprised it has been my worst year of life, and then i have actually been completely spoiled for Christmas from work this year and i felt something i never had just appreciated and liked . And iv smiled and just felt happy... but i have a giant pitbull on my ass that some people call there devil on there shoulder, or the voice in there ear. And i feel guilty.. i didn't get anyone anything i can't do enough to make up for what has been given to me. A sense i have to do more . Its pathetic i can't just except gifts without analyzing everything and feeling the need to suffer and hurt cause myself so much pain in order to have some relief

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely

Just stopping in to see how you are going.

I was thinking of you and wondering how you managed with all the firsts over the Christmas and New Year's break? It really is so very hard to do those firsts, but we do get through them and somehow someway we do cope. This Christmas was the second without my brother, I have started a tradition to light a candle for those who are not at our table, this year I got to add another with me losing my mum in July of last year.

I am really sorry that time with your family does cause some anxiety for you, also people asking questions that make you totally uncomfortable, unfortunately not everyone understands or is even aware that asking or staring or alluding to scares and wounds is really not appropriate. That must have really hurt when your sister called you silly, once again, some really don't know what to say or how to say it, and simply just don't understand. I am so sorry Ely that this is happening to you.

I hope to chat to you some time soon and see how you are going and hear about the things that are happening in your new journey.

Hugs to you

Sarah

[Guest_4643]

Hi all.

Ely, I hope you're doing ok.

Guest_4593 - I'm sorry to hear that.

I wish i could help you all more. I don't know about the emergency departments. I'm sorry, but I do care and want to try and support everyone here.

[Ely_]

I just don't k ow what to do anymore. People (family and ndis supports) keep saying they'll be there and that I am safe with them and then just keep stuffing me around.

3.5 weeks ago my abusive ex from 15 years ago contacted me. I deleted n blocked the message. Then 2 weeks ago my recent ex-gf harassed me and sent semi aggresaive texts about money she wants me to give her which I don't owe. She even got my mum involved. That night we found there was meds missing from my safe. So stressful. I think one worker mistakenly threw a tray out when cleaning it up. The next day when trying to get it sorted with gp and chemist I got really frustrated and upset and that worker assumed i was at a 10 and called an ambulance. She didnt ask me my levels (i find it easier to communicate how i am feeling on a 1 to 10 scale, 10 being suicidal). After she called 000 I was pissed and got worse so was more heightened. She took my control away and betrayed me.

Last week my sister organised a bday party for my niece without me, which my ex attended... then lied to me about it.

Saturday morning I had a no show for my medication shift. Found out 2 hrs later the company had moved her elsewhere then. Was the same lady as called the ambos. When she showed up for the day shift I was pissed at the situation and apologised in advance for my mood and it probly wouldnt be a nice shift. She actually cried and said she didnt need this... I told her just go home and she refused. So it was a very tense shift. I then cancelled all yesterdays shifts coz it was sposed to be her and have had her removed from my care team. So unprofessional. If she was overworked and emotional she needs to not make me feel guilty about it.

This week I have had to reduce my support hrs from 13 to 6 hrs a day.

The case manager isnt even decent enough to return my calls when something goes wrong.

I am freaking out about how I am not going to cope. Everything is going wrong.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely72,

We're so sorry that you've been having such a bad time lately. It sounds like there's been some tension with your support team and we understand that this might be quite stressful for you. We're getting in contact with you privately to check in with you.

Remember that you can always get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) if you need it.

We hope that in this difficult period you can find something to distract you tonight and bring you some comfort. 

[Guest_4643]

Hey Ely, nice to hear from you.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with so much, I wish I could do more for you. But I'm here for you.

[Ely_]

As difficult as it was I made it through the night safe. I had an extra medication when my sister came and did my meds. I hope I can sleep soon. I usually don't sleep well but am going to give it a try. At least I know one support shift tomorrow is happening. Out of 3...

Really wish I had actual friends to talk to. My last friends ghosted me mid last year after an attempt.

So alone.

Night x