Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[Ely_]

I am questioning whether it's even worth pushing through to not SH. I don't normally have access to my medications, they are locked away in a safe. My wife has the key. She's been leaving them laying around a lot lately. Today after work she left the keys AND my new tablets on the bench in the kitchen when she went downstairs... I REALLY really felt the urge to raid the safe, but I called to her and told her she'd left them out. She came and got them and then said 'I'm surprised you told me.' I said 'what do you mean?'. She said ' last week you wanted to kill yourself'.

My thoughts went loopy, angry and scared. Was she trying to see if I would. Testing me? Did she want me to OD again? Coz I could have. I'm just terrified that she really doesn't care anymore.
Trying so hard to not break.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely72,

It sounds like you're having some unhelpful thoughts at the moment. We understand that these might be quite distressing. Please remember that you don't have to sit with these alone.

You might be interested in taking a look at some threads by others who have struggled with unhelpful thoughts:

• "Challenging unhelpful thoughts" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/long-term-support-over-the-journey/struggling-with-unhelpful-thoughts-
• "Saying "no" to the unhelpful thoughts" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/saying-no-to-the-unhelpful-thoughts

Please do call our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14), or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) if you need to talk to someone.

Keep us updated whenever you're feeling up to it. We hope you can find something to bring you some comfort this evening.

[Ely_]

I'm so broken. So tired of fighting.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely72,

We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It sounds like you are feeling quite distressed and exhausted. We are getting in touch with you privately to check in with you and offer you some support.

Please also remember your supports - it can be really helpful just to have a chat to help you get through the night (Lifeline on 13 11 14) (Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467).

If you would like to post further, please let the community know and how we can best help you get through this difficult time.

[Ely_]

I ended up in ED again. I am so stupid and so stuffed up. I have seen a lady from mh, but she isnt filling me with hope of help. So far getting me a medication to calm me n then she will check on me later. Make a plan then.

I do not feel safe. Not here. Not in my head. Not at home. I have made so many plans and options.

I wish there was an easier solution. I am so wrenched.

The MH lady is one who sent me home before last time I OD'd, so I havent got any trust she will guide me well.

I am so ripped in two.

[ecomama]

Ely72

People are trying to help you. I'm sorry you're feeling so distressed. Do you have psych help to talk through your distress and trauma.

I'm not sure about your wife's behaviours.
Maybe she's expecting you to take some responsibility.
She may be very tired.

Is the marriage a safe place?

My suicidal thoughts diminished greatly after I separated from exH. It was him who was abusing me in overt and covert ways. I'm not sure why you're feeling this way. I'm concerned it's the marriage compounding things.

Love to you
EM

[Ely_]

Hi EM and all
Quick update. They admitted me to MH ward. Changing my meds. Going to the residential facility again tomorrow. Dr said the SSRI I am on can uncommonly cause the feeling of emptiness n disconnection. Onto a different medication now n will wean off the other in a month or so.

I am having thoughts about the stability of my relationship and it's future. She says I have pushed her away but that's part of my bpd and ptsd. I constantly pull away from people so I don't get hurt.

My mum n my wife are very triggering to me. They will not understand my conditions in order to be able to support me better. My wife lost her job today and expects to just be able to get carers for me. I told her she is not equipped to support me the way I need... i don't think she liked that.
What do I do. I had a nurse here tell me to think hard about if my relationship is worth fighting for if she is such a big trigger. I don't know.... I don't need this stress while I'm trying to focus on fixing me.

[Ely_]

I know it's been a few months since I have been on here. It's been hectic.. My partner decided to break up with me while i was in the res facility. I 100% split on her after a few days and have been in that state ever since. There were numerous dramas at the house when I got back, inclusing her verbally and emotionally abusing me in front of my support worker. I finally got my own place 3 weeks ago. It has been great. My thoughts and urges have mostly lessened. Kt isn't constant anymore. And the freedom of not being constantly triggered by her is awesome.

I have just started doing trauma therapy with my psychologist. We figured my sh had decreased andbi was more stable. Good timing perhaps. Now I am not sure. We covered a bit this week and for homework I had to record one specific incident in detail and listen tonit repeatedly. Today I broke after listening to it and sh'd. I couldn't use my skills to break free of the memory and emotions.

I have support workers here from.7am to 2pm and 4pm to 9pm.

Of course I don't want them to hear it, but how often do I need to listen to it. Should I do so while they are at the house to help bring me back to stable?

I dont want to do this every time I hear it...

Help please...

[Sophie_M]

Hey Ely, thanks for reaching out to our community tonight and welcome back after a few months away. It sounds although a lot has changed since your last post here and we're glad to hear things are mostly looking up for you, including having your own place and feeling a bit more stable. That's really fantastic!

We're sorry to hear you're having difficulties with your trauma therapy, we can imagine this would be a very overwhelming and tough task to complete each day. Would you feel comfortable letting your psychologist know about this incident of self-harm? it may be worth exploring it more in-depth with them. They may also provide some further clarity as to when and where to perform this task.

We're very concerned to hear about your self-harm and have sent an email to check in with you. We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please check-in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.  

[Ely_]

Hi Sophie,

I have replied to the email.

I am just so overwhelmed at the moment.

I am fighting my feelings all the time. Which is opposite of what I learnt in DBT, and opposite of learning to process and manage my trauma.

I bounce from task to task keeping busy and distracted. Nothing helps for long. Even the meds.