Self harm urges and giving in

Ely_ · ‎03-02-2020

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

Sophie_M · ‎15-09-2020

Hey Ely72, thanks for keeping us updated here. Doctors can be anxiety provoking at the best of times so we can't imagine how disheartening it would have been to be dimissed twice for mental health advice. We're sorry to hear how difficult it has been to curb your urges for self-harm this week. We think it's really important to disucss this with your psychologist and perhaps they can provide you with alternative options for avoiding self-harm? It sounds like you are working so hard to get to a better mental space. We know it can be draining to undergo therapy so well done for continuing to seek help and engage in treament. Is there anything else weighing on your mind? Please do feel free to contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

Ely_ · ‎15-09-2020

I have decided to try to go to bed. If I can be unthinking for a while, hopefully sleeping, it might help. I will talk to my psych about it a bit, but last time she stressed that we need to spend more of the session focussing on the dbt skills n therapy. I hope I haven't disappointed her by SH'ing 3 times over the last 2 weeks. I was doing so well up until 5 weeks mark...
One more reason to be disappointed in myself. Anyway, sorry to bother anyone, going to try to sleep and hope tomorrow is better.

ecomama · ‎16-09-2020

Dear Ely72

It's awesome that you gave us an update. Thankyou!

You know this is a safe space to share. We care about you.

Have you seen the works of Brene Brown? She has researched shame, vulnerability, empathy and courage. Her Netflix special is beautiful.

I'm reading 2 of her books at once lol. I'm investigating the "shame" part of her works atm.

We all have shame. EVERY single one of us.

I'm wondering if you could take some data on what you were thinking / what happened in your life / any other precursors to the recent SH or future SH thoughts?
Knowing just this alone can alert us to divert.

It can also give us lots to investigate in efforts for us to "Know thyself".

I think of my shame as a tangled forest! Like a forest with so many vines tangling the trees up.
Seeking here in this forest is like pulling apart a huge tangled skein of thick wool.

When I identify a thread of my shame I instantly be kind to myself (now lol). Nurture myself, forgive myself as I would my closest friend, be there for myself and heal it.

It's part of ME as your shame is part of you. I won't deny it exists but I do not wish my shame to cause me any more harm, or the people I love.

I hope you can get something from Brene's works.

Love EM

Ely_ · ‎17-09-2020

My psychologist is wondering if my numbness / dissociation is a result of the medication actually doing it's job. She also said it's possible that what I am feeling, or rather not feeling, is what most people experience all the time. It was a good session but I was too conscious of the need to get back into the DBT stuff so didn't want to spend too much time focusing on how I am right now.

I know other people care about me, but I don't rn. I remember that sometimes I did. But now I cbf. I feel so empty and alone and misunderstood.

It's so scary being so alone, even with people around you who say they care.

It's hard to believe people.

I have all these tools and skills available to me to help me when I'm feeling extreme. But nothing for this state. I've been told to ground and do mindfulness, but that makes it worse.

At least with the SH I feel something.

I can't distract all the time. I have been trying to do that and I end up just staring into space, being empty.

I'm so lost right now.

Sophie_M · ‎17-09-2020

Hey Ely72,

Thanks for keeping your friends on the forum updated on how you've been going. We can hear that you're feeling really lost at the moment, and we're really sorry to hear that you're feeling so lonely. Please remember know that you don't have to keep these feelings bottled up inside- and if you're wanting a little bit of extra support tonight, we'd really encourage you to reach out to the friendly counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636), Lifeline (13 11 14), or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We're all here to help you through this, and we hope you keep us updated on how you're going, whenever you feel ready.

Aaronsis · ‎18-09-2020

Hey Ely

I am glad that your psychologist had some feedback for you with regards to the medication, and although I have no idea how it feels to "not feel" and also what you are experiencing, I think she might be onto something. I have thought about this a bit and there are times in the day when I am just, well here, I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad and I don't feel like laughing or crying either, I just..am. So maybe what you are going through with this new medication is starting to moderate your feelings and that you are coming into a new pattern. I believe dont "feel" something all the time, however when a person we like enters a room we feel happy, or maybe just smile, when the phone rings we might feel joy that the person on the other end is calling or we might feel anxiety to take that call, but I was thinking it is not until something happens that I feel something.....does that make sense. I just wanted to you to know that I don't consider myself to be in any mental suffering or pain, yet I too get through my day just mostly, well being in that day...and I think that is ok.

I have learnt about a new thing that could help and I am not sure if you feel like it may work for you, it is from a DBT set of tools call TIPP, one of the T's is for temperature, and by changing our body temperature, one can quickly decrease the intensity of an emotion. The idea is that you dip your face in cold water (ideally not less than 10 degrees) and hold your breath. Try to hold it there for 30 to 60 seconds. (HOWEVER...do not attempt this if you have cardiac problems.)

I know you struggle with feeling worth and feeling like you matter and also that those around you just don't get you. I am so sorry that your brain is making you feel like this and telling you these lies. From what you have said and the collect of things you have told me about Lea I think you are very much loved and cared for, she may not always get it right and she may get frustrated with you, but that is out of love I believe and that she too does not know what to do. She is human too and the fact she is standing by your side is a true testament of her care for you.

It is hard to believe in others when your brain tells you not to, that they are just saying these things to you, that these people don't care. No one is forced to talk to you, to stand with you, to reach you and to love you, but they do. We are here to chat and to share and we care very much.

I hope you are ok today Ely

Hugs

Sarah

Ely_ · ‎18-09-2020

Hi Sarah,

Today has been okay. I successfully managed to distract myself all day. And I finished and submitted my uni assignment finally. I also had Exercise Physio today, so it was good to get the blood pumping and get some emotions out that way.

I'm glad that you have found the TIPP skills. I use T all the time, although I tend to have a bowl of freezing cold water (water n ice). I pop in a face washer for a minute and then put that on my face for 30 to 60 sec. VERY useful, especially if emotions are heightened.

I have just started the next unit of DBT, distress tolerance skills. So am hopeful I will soon have more in my arsenal.

Remember how you suggested plates previously, well I bought a 'slam ball' so that I can slam my anger out. Really good too.

I think I understand what you mean when you say there are times when you are just here, existing, and then something happens that starts an emotion. For me atm, it's like I'm constantly existing, with 30 sec flashes of extreme emotion maybe a couple of times a day. Either no emotion or extreme. I am so disconnected from myself and the world around me.

Today has been better with the numbness, although I'm kinda wishing it wasn't as I had some very painful flashbacks due to triggers.

My supports are increasing next week for a time, while I am struggling. I am so grateful to be able to have these external supports. Tomorrow they are taking me for a drive to the beach and we are going to do a hill walk.

Hoping you are doing well

Ely x

ecomama · ‎19-09-2020

Dear Ely72

Thankyou for explaining how you're feeling and what you're going through in as many ways as you can articulate.

I've experienced far too many traumas from childhood until yesterday again, and I'm OLD. Some abusers never leave their victims alone.

I wanted to say that I share that "disconnect" with others that I KNOW (cognitively) care for me, and I care back by doing acts of service, but I do feel disconnected. From everybody.

I've had alot of betrayal in my life also. Now I don't trust anyone 100% and I'm better with that.

But I've been reading Brene Brown's books and she explains that alot of people feel this way.
They just don't articulate it.

She also talks about "fitting in" vs "belonging". She explains this a WHOLE lot better than I ever could lol.
I'll give you my summary (eeek!).

Fitting in is when we feel the need to CHANGE who we are in order to fit in. That's yuck and uncomfortable.

Belonging is when we BE who we are, wherever, whenever. It's about belonging in your own skin.

It can take years to really feel comfortable in your own skin. I am most of the time.
I'd say it's about knowing WHO you really are then emanating this from the inside out.

IDK you IRL ofcourse but from your posts it seems to me that you are a very "deep" person.
A person who questions things, people, life.
A sensitive person, I find BB full of sensitive people. Harmed by this world and the people in it.

I'm sure you're A LOT more than that lol.

But so many people aren't like us. And there's a uniqueness to each of us.

You sound like you "need" strong sensations to feel "alive", I'm referring to your list above.
I'm like this too. I think it's why I do such heavy work. It's why I can't sit still for long.
It may take a long while to be comfortable with the gentleness of life also to get a balance over time.
I can hold a baby and calm it to fall asleep, so I KNOW it's in there somewhere - as long as it has a goal I guess. IDK.

We're seeking these answers together.

I'm really glad you're here.

Love EM

Ely_ · ‎19-09-2020

Hi EM,

I think that a lot of us who experience life with a deep sensitivity have experienced trauma. We have an empathy and a need to understand things.

When it comes to belonging v fitting in... I definitely don't belong. I have a hard time fitting in. Most of the time I don't know who I really am. It's a work in progress I guess.

It's very strange atm. I am so used to being in extremes and wanting more evenness and peace. Now it's like I'm flat all the time and want some movement...to feel something.

I don't know if it's the meds working, or making my dissociation worse, or something else entirely. Either way, I'm struggling to cope with it. I find it's giving me no opportunity to apply my DBT skills since I'm not really feeling much.

Which leads to I guess a bit of frustration... All this time, money, effort on therapy and I can't practice the skills.

I just almost had a fight with my partner. I found myself WANTING to fight with her. To raise my emotions. I had to clench my teeth to stop from pushing it further.

Talked about a lot of things today with my worker when we were out. Brought up a lot of the past. Was fine while we were talking. Now.... memories...I want to stop remembering...stop seeing, stop hearing, stop all of it.

Ely

Sophie_M · ‎19-09-2020

Hi Ely72,

It's good to hear that you spoke about a lot of things with your worker today - we're so sorry that this is now having the impact of bringing back a lot of painful memories for you. It sounds like you're going through a lot at the moment - please remember that we're all here to help you through this.

Please remember that if you're needing someone to talk to tonight, we'd urge you to call our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636), Lifeline (13 11 14), or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Keep us updated whenever you feel up to it - we hope you are able to reach out to someone tonight if you need to talk it through.