Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[Ely_]

And my day turned to shit. My support worker is taking a FT position n won't be able to stay on. She has to do what's right for her. My paranoia is going off. My emotions are haywire.

Everyone leaves. I'm sick of it. I hate having BPD. Makes it so much harder to adult in these situations. I am so ashamed I broke down when she told me.

She has been really really good and proactively helpful. Now I just want to crawl back into my shell and never leave. I had trusted and opened up. I would have been better off not. I swear the place she works for has it in for me. Just coz I ditched the first one who was overstepping, and had my coordinator let them know they are billing me wrong and I want it fixed.

The SW is wonderful and I feel bad that she might feel bad for making me upset.

TBH though, all I can think about is escaping my tangle of emotions. SHing....OD... But I don't want to put that pain onto her either. It's MY pain. I should feel it. So conflicted, angry, hurt, rejected.

Idek

[CalmCat]

Hi Ely72,

Thank you so much for a open and honest post, and I'm so sorry to hearing your having a rough time at the moment.

There are so much support services out there to find a new mental health working. You should give the BEyond Blue line a call and ask them, they're such a great resource - 1300 22 4636.

I can't comprehend what your going through, but stay strong, you'll find a new mental health working and all will be well.

From my heart to your,

Doz

[Ely_]

Thanks for your reply Doz. I had a chat to her during tonight's shift. Why she has taken the job n what she will be doing are great. Like for the benefit of all the clients and workers now and future.

I still feel horrible that my luck is this bad, but I'm glad I was able to talk to her about it and get some perspective.

Bloody sux that I have to start all over again. I was already having issues with her agency, so was going to swap half my shifts to a new one. Now I sorta want to tell em to get screwed. But I feel like that wouldn't be the mature thing to do. She is happy to work with me until I find someone to replace her (in agency obv). But I'm the sort not to like a dangling rope. I'd rather just cut it short. But I need to make sure I have the right supports...

These new meds are making me all over the place.

My emotional mind is screaming at me to react and to react explosively. But then the shame n guilt would start. Plus I don't want her to have that on her plate. My choices dont just affect me.

Trying so hard not to listen. Early night...

Hopefully I sleep better tonight.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely72,

Thanks for reaching out tonight. We're sorry to hear that you're having to start all over again. We understand that this is tough and you're coping with a lot right now. We're so glad to hear that you've decided to have an early night. We think you are so strong!

You might find this article on 'Sleeping well' helpful - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well/sleeping-well

Please feel free to reach out here anytime you feel like it like you did tonight.

[Ely_]

I wish I wasn't here. I wish I had succeeded. I wish that the infection/sepsis had taken me. I hate myself and what I've put my family through the last 6 months so much. My wife can't even handle me. I finally opened up to her last night and all she wanted to do was leave the room. It feels like this year has been a nightmare that I'm fighting to break free from, but I don't know if I want to or if I want to slip back into a state of not feeling. Of constantly fighting down my feelings. I was in ICU 1.5 weeks ago, then had to go back to ED after getting some sort of infection and my body went into severe sepsis. Once my fever broke, and they put me on a medical ward, it's like the doctors didn't give a shit about my other symptoms, or finding out where the infection was. I tried to fight them, but I just couldn't. I wanted to come home. Now I don't even care where I am. I just don't want to feel anymore. The drs took me off my antidepressant after this 'episode'. I hate this. I hate BPD.

The agency that were working with me for SW's pulled the pin after this time. So now I have these 4 new SWs, plus the physio who I'm still getting used to. The SW I was so trusting of previously told me one thing, and told my SCoordinator completely different after. The company took MY choice away and assumed that any person would do, after I'd already told them I wasn't comfortable with the SW that they'd buddied for me. I agreed to do a trial shift with her and let them know how it went, but near the end of the shift she told me they'd already changed her roster to do them. When my SC rang about it, they lied and my prev SW said she'd told me this was how it would be. I felt betrayed and like how i felt didn't matter. I SH'd, got taken to ED, came home, and ended up being taken back to hospital after my partner had to call the ambulance when I attempted.

I am so sick and tired of being this way. These moments of lucidity just make it all that much harder. Then I fade away again.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Ely72,

We're so sorry to hear you feel this way. It sounds like a lot has been going onlately so it's understandable you feel so overwhelmed by it all. Please remember, no matter how dark things may seem to you right now, they can get better.

Our support service is attempting to reach you as we are worried about you. We'd also urge you to conisder reaching out to our firends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 for crisis support. You might also find it helpful to reach out to the counsellors at  SANE to help you get to grips with your BPD - https://www.sane.org/services/help-centre. They  operate between 10am and 10pm AEST  Monday-Friday. You can call them during these hours on 1800 18 7263 or follow the links on the url provided to webchat or email them.

We're so grateful you felt brave enough to share all this with us here today. Please check in and let us know how you're getting on any time you feel like it.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely

I am glad your here, I know you don't agree with me, I know that this time in your life is beyond difficult and this year has been as you say, a nightmare for you. In light of all of the horrendous nights, the trips to the ED, the SH and the constant change in SW's you are here and you are fighting and you are still choosing you and choosing life and this is so huge Ely.

You have had so much presented to you this year, with your mental health, with Ella passing and the grief and pain that came with losing her, now the battle with guilt over your new pup and every day still battling the demons that you face. I know that your support network is limited and you feel so much guilt for your mother and for Lea. You really have had so very much going on Ely and I know it is only me, but I am proud of you, so proud and I hear you when you say you are just so sick and tired, I hear you.

I am so sorry that you were in ICU, that must have been so very scary and then to have the infection on top of all of that too, but once again you are here, you are so strong and you are fighting, and I know I keep saying that but I am just so glad you are fighting.

I am sorry that you felt like Lea just wanted to leave the room while you were talking to her. It is alot for her too and I really have no idea how hard it must be for her to see the person she loves so much fighting these battles and there is nothing she can do, nothing she can say and I can only imagine how powerless she feels. She care for you, she loves you and I am happy that you did share these thoughts and feelings with her, she may need some time to process this information and to think about what to do and how to help you.

Well done for coming to post and to get this out and off your chest, for taking the time to share with us and to reach out, I just wish there was more I could do and more I could say.

We care so much about you Ely, we really do and your fight is so inspiring, even though it is so massive for you, you are doing it, there will be others who read your posts and feel the same, I wonder if they too draw strength from your courage to keep on fighting?

Hugs to you my friend

Sarah

[Ely_]

Hey Sarah and all,

It's been a wierd month. Had to come off the new antidepressants that I had started. Now have just started a new one the last two weeks. Not doing anything and the psychiatrist himself said that he doesn't expect it to be of much help, but it's all he's willing to give me. And now I can't even go back and see him or any other psychiatrist/worker at mental health unless i have another crisis. Isn't the whole point of the system to PREVENT crisis??

Atm, I'm spending 90% of my time in an unfeeling state of dissociation. I finally had a session with my counsellor today after missing last week's appointment and she suggested watching some emotive videos on youtube etc. DBT teaches me that it's okay to feel and that I need to be allowing myself to feel. But I just don't want to, and when I try or do want to, I can't. I'm so used to being in this state... It's been safer to.

Last week I read out what I thought was a really good description of BPD to my Mum and one of my Support Workers. My Mum wouldn't look at me, didn't comment at all, and after about 30 sec of silence, my SW said she thought it was helpful to understand me better. Then my mum changed the subject. I was so hurt and then angry.

The next day I SH'd because I needed to stop thinking/feeling it. It was the first time in over 5 weeks, and I minimized the harm done so much. Yet everyone STILL overreacted. I had Lea yell at me after rushing home from work. And then she wouldn't leave my side for 2 days. My SW and coordinator also jumped in. They rang MH trying to get them to call me, which ofc they didn't. They emailed my counsellor. I get that they have to think of my safety. But I was so so glad that I had managed to minimize to where I didn't even need any medical attention or anything, and then the overreaction just made me feel terrible. My counsellor today was so happy for me that I had done well in HOW I'd coped, even if I had slipped.

Right now, I am fighting urges. It's hard. I'm glad I decided to post here. Getting my frustrations out has helped a bit. I'm going to buy a medicine ball that I can throw at the ground... I'm also looking at taking up guitar again.

Here's hoping the last 1/4 of the year is so much better than the previous 3/4...

Ely

[ecomama]

Dear Ely

I'm so glad you've come back to the forums and talked to us about what's been going on for you recently.

Our family's reactions can often be what we don't expect. It can be really disappointing. You described feeling "so hurt and angry" - so you ARE feeling. Appropriately too IMO.

Have you thought about what to do when you DO feel different emotions?
Esp those that can lead us to feel or be destructive to ourselves?

I think White Knight has started another thread (Part 2) and it's pretty cool. Hope you can give some input there - your input is valued.

I'm glad you're back.
EM

[Ely_]

So I don't know what to do.

The urges are so strong again 😞 I had to get treatment for sh last week, and I'm just that lost in my mind that I don't care. I just want to feel something different. Something more than this flat nothingness. I feel like I am nothing. An empty nothing nobody. I had my birthday and it was just a waste of time and energy. Everything about it was a disappointment.

I scared myself with my thoughts on the weekend. I hadn't had SI thoughts for weeks, but it got really bad at one point. Not anymore. But the worry is still there. What if it happens again and I can't fight it. I'm struggling alot with the sh thoughts, failing.

So much external stuff is going right finally. But internally I am just a mess. I saw my counsellor today but I wasn't completely honest about my urges. I have an appointment with my Psychologist tomorrow. First one in 5 weeks. Don't want to dwell on the sh etc stuff coz we need to move forward with the dbt stuff.

Just wish some stray object would fall from the sky n take me out. Then it wouldn't be my fault my family hurts anymore.

Wish I could be fixed. These new meds are not helping, but I have to try for another 8 weeks apparently.

My new GP has no capacity for dealing with MH issues, so I'm trying to find another so I see GP L for Physical/Medication stuff and new GP for MH / SH stuff. Tried one out today. Nope nope nope. Basically told me I was too much for him, he wouldn't help me, go away, find someone else. This is the 2nd time I've had this happen now 😞 Combined with my MiL yesterday asking me if I was still doing things I shouldn't, really made today shit...

TLDR:

I really want to SH. My distractions are not working. I am empty and a mess of stuff all at once.

Struggling....