Seeking connection

Guest_206 · ‎10-03-2021

Hi there, so I'm very nervous about posting. I guess my story is that I have been experiencing multiple mental health conditions for over 20 years (I'm 38 and have depression, GAD, social anxiety, eating disorder, C PTSD). During the day I work and wear a mask and pretend that everything is great, and after work I go back to depression land. I'm lonely, bored, tired, hate my life, and have suicidal thoughts but know I won't act on them. I'm on meds, have a psychiatrist and psychologist, have had a few psychiatric hospital admissions, but nothing changes. Going to sleep is the best part of my day.

I feel like I'm grateful for my privaledge and the things I have in life, and I do little things like journaling sometimes. I guess I'm just putting this out there to be heard and to connect with other people who are experiencing something similar.

Thanks for reading.

Sophie_M · ‎10-03-2021

Hi Guest_206, welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage.

We are sorry to hear that you have been feeling this way and we understand that wearing a mask can be exhausting. We can hear that you are feeling stuck and we're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness.

If you feel it may be helpful, we’d recommend reaching out to the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support and advice.

We would also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

Guest_206 · ‎15-03-2021

Thanks Sophie_M. I spent all day Friday and Saturday in bed. I managed to get up on Sunday which was good. My mind is trying to beat up on me about a work thing from today which I'm trying to ignore. And I'm worried about whether I'll end up staying in bed all day tomorrow again cause I don't have work to force me to get up.
I don't have any purpose or desires, I spend my life trying to tune out of my life, either through work, or watching tv. And I dread weekends when there's so much free time. Basic self care can be exhausting. I just don't know how to change any of this.

Croix · ‎24-03-2021

Dear Guest_206~

I’ve seen you talking to others and trying to help the, which is a pretty good way to introduce yourself to the problems of others and will do them some good to read your words.

Life has handed you a pretty hard row to hoe, CPSD, depression and the anxiety based problems as well as suicidal thoughts. They make your life miserable and form a barrier between you and others. I had similar and wore the mask during all the time I was with others. It made me angry I had to hide myself, and at the same time thought there must be something bad enough inside me to warrant hiding.

I am not in the least surprised bed and sleep seems the only recourse. I am surprised and admire you for the fact you work. Holding down a job (even if sometime imperfectly) which all the effects of your illness is a pretty great victory.

I fell into a trap, and I’m thinking maybe you have too. I judged myself by the same standards I always had, and that had been when I was well. When I became ill with PTSD, depression, suicidal and with anxiety and was unable to perform as I had in the past I thought the failing was in me. In actual fact those illnesses make doing anything a big win. To get out of bed is a victory, brushing your teeth is another. To think otherwise is to set yourself up for failure, and that failing makes you feel worse.

I would suggest you try for small steps and as you accomplish each one think you have made a significant win. Getting dressed, eating breakfast -or some of it- and all the other things people take for granted are milestones you are passing.

I can understand work forcing you from your retreat inside bed. Perhaps there might be other things. Pleasant things you have enjoyed or given you a lift at one time or another. I use books, music, movies and pets -a distraction and self-reward.

Actually, my pets can get me up no matter what. I have Sumo Cat of a morning demanding to be let out, and will come and emphasize the point if I’m too slow and Foxy dog bouncing and scritching around waiting on breakfast. If I’m slow there her bowl gets chewed on, which means I end up buying another if I’m not quick enough.

Casting your mind back what sort of things have you enjoyed?

Do you have anyone in your life to give you some support? It make things easier than going it alone.

Croix

Guest_206 · ‎25-03-2021

Dear Croix,
Thanks so much for your reply. Yes I do often wonder how it is that I'm able to work - it's pretty amazing really. I'm struggling actually with perfectionism at work - I have these high expectations of myself to perform at a certain level, and yet it's hard to brush my teeth everyday.

That's lovely that you have your pets to help get you up everyday.

Guest_206 · ‎16-04-2021

I'm feeling sad and alone and feeling like I have no life. I hate that it's the weekend. What will I do with myself? Last weekend I couldn't get out of bed... I saw something today about what it takes to live a long life - social integration, and I thought, well, i don't actually want to live a long life, not like this. And then I'll hate it on Monday when my colleague asks how my weekend was. The way she talked about her weekend plans highlighted just how much I lack in my life. But of course I still count my wins, as tiny as they are.

But right now I feel over it. And sad.

Croix · ‎16-04-2021

Dear Guest_206~

I've found bed is safe, bed is comfortable and presents no hassles, and it also shrinks down your world, so the possibilities are never even though of or appear all too hard.

That lack of stimulation is a loop that goes round and round, each time making release harder.

OK, you have to get up for work, at least that proves if the reason is strong enough you can get up. The trick I guess is to find another reason that can be used to get you up too.

Looking at myself I found when in bed thinking of such a reason was just about impossible, but when up, maybe traveling with spare time for the mind to wander I'd try to think of things I'd enjoyed in the past, from pets to that cinema with attached coffee shop. I'd also cast my mind around to see if there was anyone I might have a coffee with, or do something else completely different.

I dunno, you have your own history and things you have felt good doing in the past, any suggestions?

Croix

Guest_206 · ‎20-04-2021

Hi Croix,

Thanks for your reply again, I really appreciate it. Yeah, there are some times when I'm able to organise things which is good. Like on Sunday I organised to meet up with a friend in a park. But really thinking of things I enjoy that will get me up when I'm already in bed is hard. I find the evenings after work hard too. I want to be able to do things like go out for a walk but I end up getting straight into bed. It's like my secret, that I get into bed at like 4:30pm or 5pm cause I have nothing else to do, or nothing that I'm motivated to do.

Bed is also my safe place cause of my body image issues. I feel disgust for my body and am having difficulty challenging the negative thoughts, and in bed my body is hidden away from the world..

I hope you have had a good day today.

X g

Croix · ‎20-04-2021

Dear Guest_206~

"I'm struggling actually with perfectionism at work - I have these high expectations of myself"

Um, it's not just work is it? Like I was it pervades you life and you expect to be able to live a "normal" life but find that it's almost impossible at times. That leads you towards despair you will ever be better, you regard yourself as lacking.

So two days in bed, one up - and not a work day. That's a victory. You have an agile mind -from your writing - and may, when you are up and doing something, be able to think of an evening activity, one that keeps you up beyond 5pm.

I can be waiting during the day to read some more of a book that has taken my fancy, or play with a pet. As you know in my house pets rule and demand attention and activity.

I found after being in hospital study was an avenue that gave me identity and occupation, the subject just happened by luck to be one I was good at - which created its own impetus.

So please cast your mind around, I doubt you have reached your current age without having some things that are special in your mind, it is a case of harnessing them.

I've not been able to find all your old posts, so I'm ignorant of the steps you may already have taken - pardon me. May I ask what support you have? This of course comes in two types, the first being medical, having a GP and a psychologist or psychiatrist to give you therapy and maybe medication?

If you do not have this you could be like me and soldier on until things became impossible. My start to recovery was medical & people

The second support is people, do you have anyone you can lean on? Someone who does not have that unrealistic compulsion to 'fix' everything, but is constant, cares and realises you cannot do everything one might like at the moment. Wearing a mask, just as I did, can save hassles short term but in the end isolates

I can't say that body image is easy, quite the reverse, and I've no idea how much it is actually justified with you. What I can say is that in life there are things thrown at us we have to deal with and and cope with. When in a better state take action if necessary, or realize it was not as important as we thought. This goes back to your support and therapy, one reason it is important.

This is what I found about my occupation, imperative, compulsory, all encompassing - in short my whole life. But destructive, when gone with treatment things improved and I coped with the change away from it.

Now I'm good

Please visit again

Croix.

Guest_206 · ‎22-04-2021

Dear Croix,

Thanks again for your considered reply. Hmmm, yes perfectionism. Yes I'm not going to my 20 year high school reunion because I feel like they're all about what you've achieved since school and I don't rate my life highly. Single, no kids, and put on weight (probably from all the meds I've taken and am taking).

I'm interested to know what you're studying or have studied? Maybe study is something I could look into again but I'm not keen on assignments or tests...

Yes I have a psychiatrist and psychologist but I don't know how well we're connecting at the moment. She keeps telling me how well I'm doing, and yes, in relation to the little wins I achieve, I do well sometimes, but in the bigger picture I dont really feel like I'm making any progress.

Re people/friends - I have people that know I experience depression and I can tell them I'm not doing great and they'll say they're sorry to hear that and that's about it.

Do you have a thread about your story?

X g