Occurring Suicidal thoughts

[Cocotheythem]

Hi everybody,

I have been experiencing suicidal thoughts for quite a while now. I have started to self harm and I cant stop. I am lacking sleep and I am feeling upset or down often, about different things. I don't know how to stop the pain I'm feeling. I often find myself thinking about what my friends and peers life would be like without me, and feeling like nobody likes me. I also find myself thinking about death. My life honestly isn't the greatest right now and it hasn't been for a while. I don't feel like there's anybody I can talk to about my suicidal feelings, as I tried talking to a friend and they ignored me, and when I tried talking to a family member they refused to believe it. I feel like nobody likes me, and there's no need for me in this world. I don't know what to do anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Coco,

We're so sorry to hear how low you're feeling at the moment but acknowledge the strength and honesty you have shown in seeking support here in our community. Please know we are here to listen and that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through. Our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. 

Suicidal thoughts can be incredibly painful, confusing and isolating. It sounds like you are in a really dark place and are trying your best to cope and reach out but things have become too overwhelming.  We are so sorry that you reached out for help to a friend today and got ignored by them. We strongly urge you to get some support from a counsellor tonight from our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). Help is always available to you and our counsellors at Beyond Blue are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am. We can help talk you through what your next steps can be in regards to finding some support and we can also talk to you about whatever you need to in the moment too.

You might be interested in reading about the journey of someone who at one point felt hopeless: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/losing-hope-finding-hope  or to read our page on self harm and self injury  https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal/self-harm-and-self-injur...  Please check in and let us know how you are tonight whenever you feel up to it. 

Warm Regards,


 

[Lucette]

hye coco, idk really i mean i hant tried this yet but there is that ice cube thing. where you hold an icecube on wherever and it feel bad ut its not really harmful.

that's properly not helpful sorry. if you want to talk, what your going through sounds similar to me so if you need it I'm here

[therising]

Hi Coco

I feel for you so much. It's so much harder to make sense of why we feel the way we do or think the way we do when no one really wants to talk about the hard stuff, opening up productive channels of communication or conversation. The result is often a lack of guidance and us just not coming to understand our self any better. It can be frustrating, lonely and depressing.

'Why am I here?' and 'Why am I suffering so much?' are just 2 of the many valid questions we can come to ask our self. When people ignore us, when we've got seriously valid questions that need seriously valid answers, you could say they're ignorant to the need to seek those answers. You feel the need deeply, yet they don't. You could even say you're more conscious than them in your search for greater meaning. Some folk never search for greater meaning or greater self understanding. So, you're more conscious than most, more sensitive to feeling a deep need. I can easily say that some unmet needs can feel almost painful, based on my own experience.

I'm glad you came to the forums here. Here is where you can feel free to ask those deeper questions and get thoughtful answers or guidance from those who care to listen. Here is where a lot of folk have asked the same questions you ask your self. I hope you return here, on your quest for inspiration and difference. You deserve both.

I feel the need to ask if you know why you self harm? By the way, I can understand the compulsion to do it, as I used to do this when I was young, for my own reasons. You don't have to respond to this question if you don't feel comfortable doing so. Feel free to talk about anything you want to talk about.

🙂

[Cocotheythem]

Hi, Sorry for a bit of a late response I have been forgetting to check back here.

Truthfully, I don't known why I started to self harm, when I did I remember sitting down late at night on the edge of suicide. I was close to ending it all that night, and I was about to until my cat just gave me this look I don't know why that was it but that stopped me from ending my life that night. Even though that prevented me from ending my life, I had an urge that I had to do something. So I started to self harm, and when I stopped and saw the scars it just gave me this satisfaction. and I haven't been able to stop.

[Cocotheythem]

Hi Lucette,

I haven't tried that but I know what your talking about. And same goes to you, If you ever need somebody to talk to I am happy to talk with you.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Coco,

Thank you so much for checking back in with our community. It is okay to use the forums as little or as much as you need, so there is no need to apologise for a late response. We are so sorry to hear that you have previously been so close to ending your life. We understand that the pain you're describing might feel overwhelming at times. Please know that even in these dark moments, you are not alone. There is always support available to you. We are checking in with you privately to offer some extra support.

Can we ask if you have ever received any mental health support? We hear that you have previously not been supported by the friend and family member that you opened up to, and we're so sorry to hear this. It can be really discouraging to seek help again after negative experiences like this, but we would strongly urge that you do.

If at any point you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency, and you can contact 000 (triple zero).

Kids Help Line, who you may have heard of, also operates 24/7. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. The counsellors can offer you some advice and support whenever you're feeling overwhelmed, distressed, or just need to talk something through.

We want to thank you again for reaching out here. It's great to see that you've made some connections here on the forums already. Please feel free to post here whenever you're feeling up to it.

[therising]

Hi Coco

One of the things I love most about cats is their sensitivity. During my earlier years in depression I had a cat that would often sit with me when I was really down. I know what you mean about the look; it was as though she was looking at me in a way like she could sense my pain. After she passed, I had another cat who would do exactly the same thing.

We always do things for a reason. There'll be a reason for the action and the sense of satisfaction regarding the self harm. Not sure whether you can relate but, for me, I suppose you could say it was like some self-destructive form of meditation in a way. I know, sounds weird. When people talk about meditation, they typically talk about clearing the mind and perhaps even chanting some mantra, so as to shift their vibe/energy. My pinpoint focus/meditation involved the senses of feeling and seeing and even connecting to my pain or suffering on a different level. Sadly, it was also about self punishment. I felt I deserved some form of punishment for 'failing to live easily', like 'normal' people. I've had many years to make sense of it, seeing this period of my life was some time ago. I feel sorrow for that girl, that younger me, who desperately needed guidance in the way of finding her natural self.

I believe we tend to lose our natural self to the sometimes questionable conditions of living in this world. A couple of those questionable conditions, among many others:

• 'You're too sensitive; you need to toughen up!' Grinds my gears when I hear people say this. To toughen up means to become insensitive to some degree. While it can feel challenging, I like to remain sensitive to degrading people, for example. If you're sensitive enough to feel what they're doing to you, then it becomes much easier to spot them. Degradation's a horrible feeling, hey. If you're sensitive enough to feel the impact of inspirational people, you can gain a sense of your 'go to' people, those you want around you. Sensitivity becomes your compass, helping you find direction. Becoming insensitive/numb to your senses or feelings is like losing your compass
• 'You need to get over it!' Being dismissive of the nature of a challenge in life means we can't work our way through it, so as to master it once and for all. Living under the conditions of 'getting over things', without addressing them constructively, means the challenge is deemed to repeat. It's like jumping the same hurdle over and over again without knowing why it's there

🙂

[Cocotheythem]

I previously had a psychologist, but I couldn't manage to open up and even if I wanted to go back to that option I can't due to money costs. I'm surprised I am still here, but proud. I don't know what to do though because just ignoring these feelings isn't helping me, and talking has been a bit of help but I still don't know what to do.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Coco,

Thanks for checking back in with us on the forums. We're sorry to hear you're feeling overwhelmed at the moment, but we're glad that being able to talk about these experiences is helpful for you. We acknowledge that seeing a psychologist can be quite expensive. We'd suggest exploring the HeadforHealth webpage for low and no-cost mental health resources: https://headtohealth.gov.au/. If you haven't spoken to your doctor recently, it might also be worth checking in with them and finding out what services are available to you. 

Another option is the free Kidshelpline Webchat. On the webchat, you'll be connected to a mental health counsellor who'll be able to provide some support and advice on how you can best support your mental wellbeing. 

Hopefully, some of our community members pop by and offer their words of wisdom too. Please feel free to share more about your situation and how you've been coping recently.