Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Catie 08]

Hi guys,

Sorry I've been away a bit, work, kids, dirty washing... you know how it is 😊.

We have the funeral on Friday. I've never been to a funeral for someone so young. It'll be a super sad day but I'm actually coping better than I expected. I actually feel really calm and in control. Don't get me wrong, there have been a few teary moments in the last week but i feel like im not going to get dragged down with it, I've got the tools to keep it in check (if that makes sense?)

I've got an interview today for a volunteer position that I've been interested in... As I only work part time I wanted to do something worthwhile with my extra time. Wish me luck 🤞

Im sorry to hear your both having a tough time. We are so lucky to have this space to talk freely and bounce off each other. I can honestly say that having this is a huge part if why I'm doing so well now. Keep talking guys, we are all in this together.

C.

[Catie 08]

Hi guys,

I hope you week has been going ok.

I was going to work this morning before the funeral but my mind just isn't on the job. I'm ok, I just need to concentrate on one important thing at a time so I don't get overwhelmed. #selfcare

I'll be spending time with family this weekend - just what the Dr ordered I think.
Do you guys have plans for the weekend?

C.

[Anzee]

Hey catie, I’m still struggling with the acceptance phase haha, I’ll think I’ve past it and believe it but then my mind just goes back to the fact I have such little visual memories and I’m back in complete denial even though I know I went to court with a number of charges against him I just keep saying what if I made it up? What if I exaggerated it? What if I just wanted attention? I’m a mess like that, I am incapable of making my own decisions. My psych has amazing ways at making me think of all the effects it’s caused so I know it happened but I just keep talking myself out of it once our sessions are over.

how did you go with your exposure therapy? Did it help? One of my sisters suggested I should try the eye treatment (I can’t remember what it’s called haha) but she said she has a few friends who have had a lot of success with it after ptsd. I still feel terrible for your friend and his family, it’s just such a terribly dark and lonely place to be, I so hope his family are going to be ok and I’m so glad you’re always doing self care. I’ve had both kids home all week due to public holidays then getting the 8yo covid tested with her cold so now we’ve all been in isolation and that makes me feel crap not being allowed to leave home hahA.

I think deep down I just don’t want to accept I was abused because then I have to deal with the reactions and consequences and it’s just too much, if I keep telling myself it didn’t happen, I can pretend I don’t have the symptoms either 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Catie 08]

Hi Anzee, that's really tricky. I can only imagine how confusing and frustrating not having that visual memory must be for you.

I know that I've had periods in my life where I've been able to almost completely block it all out but then it always finds a way to rear its head our of the blue and turn my life upside down.

I wish that today was one of those days that I couldn't remember..

I can remember as a kid not knowing exactly what to name what was happening (don't get me wrong, I knew it wasn't good). I used to tell myself that it's all in my head and to just keep my head down, be a good girl and don't cause trouble. I think it was also hard because this is what life was like, I didn't have anything else to compare it too and it's not until now where I can look back with an adult perspective that I can really see how shit it was.

I didn't end up doing the exposure therapy last time, once again I managed to avoid doing it. I'm absolutely a master of avoidance.
Therapy again in a few days... I fully expect to avoid exposure again this time... unfortunately I know in the long run if I keep avoiding things I'm not helping myself.

I hope your 8yo's covid test came back negative.

Hey Richie, I hope your going ok???

[Catie 08]

Hey Richie,

So I'm doing my usual pre therapy freak out trying to drown the thoughts in the same 5 songs....over and over and over..... could you please offer some new music inspo??

[Anzee]

Again I feel you on so many levels, I have become amazing at denial and avoidance and I’m only just learning it’s not a good thing and is just stalling my progress so then I get so frustrated with myself.

I vaguely remember finding out what sex was and just having this horrible feeling in my stomach because I think that’s when I learnt what was going on and that’s when my my life started spiralling out of control and I had just lost my dad so I repressed EVERYTHING, good and bad.

8yos test was negative, I knew it would be, we haven’t had an active case in our region for months but I thought it was the right thing to do as inconvenient as it was.
I have my session with CASA tomorrow and I’m at the point I don’t even feel like doing it anymore (back to my denial).

I hope you can manage your exposure therapy soon.

[Catie 08]

Hi Anzee,

I'm glad the covid test came back negative 😊.

I hope your appointment goes ok tomorrow. I won't be far away if you want to chat afterwards. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, just by turning up it's progress.

😉

[Catie 08]

I hope your appointment went ok today Anzee.

I have mine tomorrow and I'm freaking out. I've over thought and over prepared to the point that I know I'm just sabotaging things. Ahhhg!!!! Just breath!!!!!!

Why do i keep doing this?? Surely I would learn that this just isn't helpful?

😖

[Richie01]

Hey guys,

sorry I’ve been out of touch.... it’s my way of being ok... I think at the time I’m better alone. Fast forward a few days and I know I’m not but it always seems to head that way. I’m ok, it’s just how I deal I guess. I hope your app went ok c, sorry I wasn’t there to support you, I know your going through a lot. I miss the friendship we have formed here, as much as I want to be alone, this place has taught me it’s ok to be me.... just need to find that in the real world lol. I’ll be in touch, I hope you are both ok.
somewhere only we know. Keane that’s my pic for the week. How’s your music vibe going?
rich

[Anzee]

Hey catie,

casa councellor pretty much told me I wasn’t ready or in the right space to be working with them on my childhood stuff which made me pretty upset but she said that my psych was more than happy to work with me until I got there (they’d had a good chat) so I still feel bad/ guilty but I was definitely more comfortable with my original psych anyways.

honestky if you find out why we do these things and put ourselves in these states please let me know, it’s the million dollar question?! I think we are just so scared of the unknown and even though logically we know we are safe and ok, (exposure therapy etc) risks us being vulnerable to be hurt again so we instinctively protect ourselves from that ever happening again?! The bigger problem is how hard we are on ourselves and how much we find a way to blame ourselves but at the end of the day these behaviours (especially the self sabotaging) are all we know and in warped ways again it’s us trying to protect ourselves again.

one day we will be happy with how we act, progress etc I’m holding out hope anyways, I think the biggest thing we need to accept though is patience! We both just want our minds to magically go back to the thinking process of someone who didn’t experience trauma and somehow we need to focus on accepting the way our minds work and that they are doing what they’re doing to protect us (again I don’t know how we do this 😂 )

I really hope something for you just switches tomorrow and things just work the way you want. We’ll be hear to listen either way. Hope you’re ok Richie you guys are both awesome