Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Catie 08]

Hi Guys,

Sorry I've been missing... it's been a bit hectic.

It's been an incredibly sad time. I can't even comprehend what his parents are going through at the moment - just devastating.

I've just been and picked my cat up from the vet, she has been there all week. She is still not out of the woods but they want to see if she will do any better in her own environment 🤞.

How's 'not work' going Richie?? Did you manage to do any fishing therapy?

How are you going Anzee? Have you managed any self care this week?

C.

[Richie01]

Hey,

not sure how things are... feeling completely not me but it is what it is. I have the wee ones this weekend, just gotta keep it together for them. It’s funny how life can just curve the Christ out of that ball. Been thrown a Maasai was one and I don’t really know where to go next. Onward and upward right....

hope the cats ok c, I’m a dog person but I know the toll it takes. Never a fun time.
to hell with everyone else, I think we spend most of our time considering everyone else. How the hell do we kick this!!!!!! Take care guys, it’s such a blessing having you here. I really mean that.
rich

[Anzee]

Fingers crossed for the cat 🤞🏼🤞🏼 Mine was scared by a friends dog two days ago and scratched my nana who ended up needing a tetanus because her hand swelled up and got infected 🤦🏼‍♀️ But my nana loves my cat and said it wasn’t her fault at all 😂

I’m actually ok I think. I had my 3 month checkup with my cardiologist yesterday and he said my heart is clear and I don’t need to see him until next year, then I spent last night laying awake and I think I’ve finally truly accepted my abuse and the impact it’s had on my entire life and everything just made so much sense, why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do/ have done and although it was a powerful thing to realise I cried so much today I just couldn’t stop and then my partner asked what was wrong hit all grumpy at me and went to his shed and I just couldn’t handle the emotions on my own so I put a movie on for the kids, told him I was going for a drive and went and called 1800respect and had an amazing councillor who put into perspective and said out loud how much I am dealing with right now and that NO ONE could deal with these emotions and the conflict on their own and tried to explore why I have so much guilt for every area of my life and just reassured me that I am a good mum and I am not failing, far from it, and she explained to me why after an amazing session I go back to feeling like crap because I self sabotage everything I do! That conversation gave me the strength to come home and smile for my girls again and sit outside with them while they painted tshirts for Halloween. I’ve definitely got a lot of stuff to work on but I feel a bit less heavy and a bit more capable of focusing on more than just the negatives.
I love that you guys have let me in, it’s such a comfortable place to be who I am and feel what I feel and not be judged or told to get over it ❤️

[Catie 08]

Richie, I love how you said "wee ones", I literally started reading the rest of your post with a Scottish accent 🤣

Do you you have anything planned whilst you have them?

I've always been more of a dog person too but our cat arrived 3 years ago as a tiny kitten with no microchip and no one came forward for her so the vet said she was ours if we wanted her - of course the kids love her but she is absolutely my cat, she follows me everywhere.

Anzee, now that's what a call self care 🥰. Good on you for recognising that you needed some space and to talk to someone - super proud🤩.

Life is hard without all of the extra stuff so learning to recognise when you need something for you and then reaching out to get it is a huge thing.

It's great that you have felt a little less heavy ❤, days like that certainly help.

I hope your Nana's hand heals up ok (and I'm glad she didn't hold a grudge against your cat 😊)

I hope you both have a great day. The sun is shining here today so I'm thinking a day in the garden for a good dose of vitamin D 😉

[Richie01]

Ha. I’d best don a kilt then lol. Didn’t plan anything, just take it a day at a time. My new place has like a 30m driveway. Skateboards are on overdrive lol. I feel like I should go out and try to move on..... I just can’t, is that me taking the moral high ground or is it me not wanting it I let go? I’m a 36 year old confused as crap guy and I’m not sure what the next step is. Help me lol.

[Catie 08]

Hey Richie,

There is no need to rush anything, just give yourself some time. Enjoy this time with the 'wee ones' (sorry, I couldn't help myself - I love it 😁). Use this time to take care of you, do the things you enjoy, to find a calmer more content you. I feel that pushing yourself before your ready could be counter productive.

I love the idea of the skateboarding on your huge driveway, that sounds like a lot of fun. I always wanted to learn but never did. I'm sure you'll have little pro skaters in no time.

C.

[Anzee]

How is everyone?

[Richie01]

Hey guys,

hope you are all well. Won’t lie, I’m struggling with things at the moment but getting there I think. What’s have you been up to C and Anzee? Fancy me not having a thousand words lol. Guess I need to find my place again then I’ll have them back 😬 take care.
rich

[Anzee]

Richie, I’m glad you’re being honest. I’m struggling and feeling overwhelmed with things too. I sent a very detailed email to my psych about dark thoughts and feelings I have and have always had around certain things and I have an apt with her tonight so my anxiety is through the roof! I always regret sending her such personal emails but she’s always very good once I’ve talked to her.

I just wish there was a manual to tell us what we need to do amd how to make our life better/ easier, this is super hard to deal with especially when you feel like you’re dealing with it alone. I have just been working, nothing exciting, how about you?

[Richie01]

Hey anzee,

there is a lot to deal with. I really don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through what we have will ever really understand why we act the way we do or why we see things in ways we have no choice other than to....

You will never be judged by me, we judge ourselves enough without the need for anyone else to. I’m glad you have your dr, sounds like a really positive space for you. It’s a cruel thing we fight, there and no easy fixes, no words to make the wrongs right. Yet here we are, talking in a way that we shouldn’t be able to, it goes against what we needed to be, yet here we are... give yourself a chance to breathe, we suffocate on what we hold in, Ive been doing that way too long and I’ve made so many mistakes because of it. We are here if you need us, hopefully c is ok, I’m sure she has quite a bit going on but I know she’s here as much as I am.
feel free to chat whenever you need.
rich