Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Anzee]

Not sure what kind of music you’re into but this is a kid my family know and I love this song he won triple j unearthed for, it’s called ‘waiting’ and it’s by ‘kian’ check it out and see what you think, I think he was only 17 when he recorded it. He’s very talented.

[Catie 08]

Hi guys,

Thanks for the music inspo- I'll check it out today whilst I'm working.

I'm feeling so so so scrambled today.

I hate late therapy appointments, they don't give me enough time to debrief before I head back to work the next day.

At the end of the appointment he asked me if I got what I thought I would from the session - I honestly hadent thought about what I wanted from it, I had just spent three days stressing about what I was going to say!!

But it got me thinking, what do i want out of these sessions now?

I've done some writing to try and sort my head out and it all.comes down to needing to do the exposure therapy to try and be ok with my story and journey so far... to try and reduce the intensity of the response to any triggers so I can try to function like a "normal" person.

Struggling to concentrate today.

I go back to him in two weeks.

Anzee- I'm sorry to hear that Casa didn't quiet go to plan but I'm glad to hear that your happy with your psych and are able to continue your work with them. Do you have another catch up with them soon?

Richie- I hope today is a better day. I fully expect to be checking in here every 20 mins today (it's just what I do when I need my safety net) so not far away if you want to chat.

C.

[Catie 08]

What a day!

I knew it was going to be a tough day at work...
in between calls I tried music, meditation, excercise, writing, BB online messaging service and finally I've now started to calm down.

Totally ridiculous!! It's not normally so hard to snap out of it.

I think I need a nanna nap now

[Anzee]

Hey catie, must have been the day for it, I had a terrible day but unlike you I didn’t make it to work, I would have pushed through but the 4yo was adamant she didn’t want to go to work today and I felt so terrible I decided not to. I had a conversation with my mum last night and learnt something I thought happened didn’t so then I was an absolute mess because I was already so confused from the lack of memory, I had to get the 8yo to school early for her first school camp so I knew I had to be ok until she was gone, then I had a cry and a web chat then the 4yo was begging for me to take her to this new playground so I did that for a few hours then got home had another break down then had a nap because she fell asleep on the couch, I haven’t had a day nap for god knows how long so I must have needed it then I did another web chat and was starting to feel a lot calmer, then got a take away pub meal and went to the park again for the 4yo. I’m happy to be home and that this day is over but I am so anxious about my psych session on Monday already. Why is this so hard.

let’s hope tomorrow is a better day for everyone ❤️ This stuffs exhausting

[Catie 08]

I'm sorry to hear how muddled your day was Anzee. I hope today was better for you ❤.

It's been another tough day. I've got tears in my eyes and my whole body is buzzing.
I just can't calm down 🥺
C.

[Anzee]

Hey catie, thankfully I am feeling a lot calmer today! Still not great but definitely not in a crisis state like yesterday.

Do you think you’re suffering because you’ve had your trauma on the surface for a little while now whilst working through it? Or do you think you’re worried that you’re not getting the exposure therapy right? (There’s definitely no right or wrong way to do this) it’s just so exhausting I didn’t realise how much energy it uses to even just think about your trauma, its the worst and I think that’s part of the reason I’m just stuck in denial because I really don’t want to keep feeling like this but I know eventually I’m going to have to face it and there’s never going to be a good time to do that.

[Catie 08]

I'm glad today was an improvement for you. It sure is exhausting!

I had therapy 2 days ago... I stressed for 3 days before I went about what I was going to talk about and now I've freaked out for 2 days after because I know what has to happen. I just need someone to install a huge reset button on my forehead so I can calm down enough to function like a normal person. The things I normally do to calm down just don't seam to be doing the job at the moment.

Hey Richie, how much longer until you return to work? I've lost track a bit.. have you had much time with the kiddos?

[Anzee]

Yep I can totally understand that, I pretty much spent 3 months in that constant state 😂

I still get anxious before most psych sessions but it’s not affecting me for as many days as it used to thank goodness because that was totally exhausting and felt so unproductive.

[Catie 08]

I told my mother in law about my abuse today...

I'm so exhausted I can't stop crying

[Anzee]

That’s so brave of you 💓

Did you feel any relief? I went through a stage of telling friends which really helped and then after a few weeks I started regretting telling people and withdrew myself completely 😏 it’s never ending and exhausting!!

hey Richie, hope you’re ok.