Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Catie 08]

No Releif.... I told her for my husband. There has been a lot going on for us and he was finding it hard to try and protect and support me whilst not being able to speak honestly with his family about me.

I cried myself to sleep last night, was up again at 1:30am and then was still crying my eyes out this morning. I think speaking about it all again just stired me up. I said to him that I just needed him to scoop me up and take care of me today as I was feeling very fragile. He ran me a hot bath, made me a cuppa, let me sleep for a bit, did some cooking with the kids and bought us tea.... I'm now feeling exhausted but very loved.

The kids saw me crying this morning and were very worried so I sat them down and gave them the PG version of why I was sad. We spoke mostly about the importance of speaking up when your feeling sad, worried or unsure. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do but they at least can understand that sometimes mum is not ok and that's actually ok.

[Anzee]

Wow catie, that is huge!!! Of course you’re going to be feeling overwhelmed and uneasy that is a lot to process a long period let alone in only a matter of days, I have been terrible also and not coping but unfortunately my partner struggles in the support and care department but after 3 arguments in two days, mainly him yelling at me for anything he could think of I absolutely broke and explained to him that I have spent months defending him whilst professionals have been telling me that his behaviour is abusive and not ok and even though sometimes I accept it for what it is I always go back to denial because I don’t want to believe it was true, he was pretty angry and defensive to start with but I was crying so much and he was just saying horrible things I think he eventually realised what he was doing to me, he did a lot of apologising and talk of change but I was honest with him and said I know you are but you say and do this every weekend and things are not going to change without professional help and although it broke me and I really struggled to stop crying I felt so much better after.

[Catie 08]

Hey Anzee,

Good on you for being able to speak up and say what you need in what sounded like a very emotionally charged moment.

I hope that you are both able to get the assistance that you need to ensure you can move forward together as a team.
X

[Anzee]

Hey catie,

Sorry I’ve been processing stuff and not feeling great, but I think I’m back on the up now 🤞🏼
how are you going? Are you feeling more settled now? I think when it rains it pours for us, we can’t just deal with one thing at a time, everything comes at us at once, doesn’t seem fair really but we always make it through, hope you’re doing ok.

I hope richies ok too 😔

[Catie 08]

Hi Anzee,

I'm glad to hear your on the improve 😊

Yes, feeling much more settled thank you (although that could be the sugar high from the bag of sour Lolly snakes, the chocolate bar and packet of chips I've eaten today whilst at work 🤣)

Hopefully a few more calmer days ahead for us all.

Hey Richie, I hope your doing ok. We are here for you if you want to chat... the good, bad and the ugly.... We are all in this together 😉

C.

[Richie01]

Hey guys,

im really sorry I have not been here for you, I’m sure you know how it gets. Sometimes I think this place is the only place it makes sense yet I havnt been able to even open the page let alone attempt to write. I broke down in front of the kids, I’ll never forgive myself for that. Been struggling to comprehend the whole new life my kids now have and how much I’m no longer the dad I always knew I was going to be for them. I saw them for a day and a half this three week break, sehra said I’m the one confusing the kids, that her new relationship is nothing but good for them and that it’s not fair on them that I’m upset. She has no emotion at all towards me yet I still love her. What is wrong with me!!!! I’m back at work, the only place I actually feel worth anything anymore which is good for me, it’s the first time I’ve been able to open the forum in a long time. I hope you have both been able to get a hold on things, sorry again for not being here.
I’ll be here every day now, being at work picks me up so I’ll take this three weeks to try and get myself together so I don’t fall apart again next break.
I feel like writing so much but I won’t, I am glad you guys have had each other here, it’s a pretty great place like that. I know if I stop chatting here, I’ll convince myself to forget again, I’m at that place. Close down, deny the past and sabotage what little I have left of the present. I’ve never had this here before, maybe this is the place that allows me to not run. God I’m a mess lol. I’ll be better tomorrow.
take care guys, I miss you both, it’s like having a coffee with friends chatting here if that makes sense.
take care,

rich

[Anzee]

Catie,

I am so glad you are feeling calmer and back to some normality.. omg don’t even get me started on chocolate and sugar lol, I feel a bit of dejavu having this conversation with you about my ridiculous chocolate and sweets consumption. I actually need to stop because I have gained a lot of weight but I love it too much. I’ve started waking/ sometimes jogging each night with my headphones blasting so hopefully I can shift some of it again lol.

Richie I’m so freaking happy to see your name and I’ve only just joined your circle haha. I was starting to get worried so I’m so glad to hear from you. Don’t be sorry, you’ve done nothing wrong. My kids have seen me cry a lot since my past resurfaced and it scared me at first and gave me massive guilt but now I feel like it’s actually a strength to show them I cry, I talk to my counceller, I get help, I do things to lift my mood and then I feel better. I still can’t imagine what it’s like to be in your position watching the mother of your children move on with someone else and that person being in your kids lives. Did you talk to their mum about boundaries with him? I honestly think that’s really important and 100% acceptable for you to set those.
Omg you’re talking to the queens of denial and avoidance 😂😂😂 we totally feel you on that one, and the self sabotaging, it’s just ingrained in us I think. I’m so happy that we’ve heard from you, I do understand when you’re in that place though that the forum feels triggering (not sure if that’s the same for you but it is for me) I’ve had to take weeks off when I’m not coping because it’s too confronting and stops me avoiding my issues which is all I want to do when it’s taking over my thoughts.

[Catie 08]

Yay!! the team is back together again 🥳. It's good to have you back here Richie. Write what you can when you can... We are here to listen and support each other through the good and the bad. Just remember that this is a safe and non judgmental space.... this is a space for all of us to just be us and although it all seams impossible at the moment, this is just one chapter in the story... your story and your the one holding the pen....
😊

I joined up with a local mental health support group this week, they do both face to face and online peer support groups. I've opted for the online one (just treading carefully for now) but still in my local area so in time, if I'm ready I can join some of their social events. They are called GROW and the have groups all over the country. I though you might have been of interest, esspecially to you Anzee? They seem really nice and work in the same way that these forums do... everyone supporting each other.
C.

[Anzee]

That’s so awesome catie, I really do want something like that but have searched and searched with no result. Maybe I’ll ask my psych on Monday if she knows of any, I did join an online program called with mental health online and it’s a course in all the mental health areas I need to work on, I e opted to do it with the support of an online therapist so that will be good 😌 I e had a call from the intake team and got an email to say they’ve found me a therapist but I’m just waiting for her to touch base. I decided to start my modules without hearing from the therapist and ended up doing a full module then half of the second 😂 it recommends to put an hour a week into each module and I did it for almost two hours alone yesterday 😂

some of it was a bit triggering but it was also good as it explains mental health, why we get mental health issues, causes, treatments, biological factors, psychological factors etc. I kept going over certain things as that’s how I retain information.

[Anzee]

How is everyone?