Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Catie 08]

Another quiet day today and I'm please to say I feel a lot calmer for having such a self care weekend.

I used to love to sew. I used to make lots of clothes for myself and the kids but I haven't made anything for years. It used to be my relaxation, I used to love creating something unique so I didn't look like everyone else walking down the street but for the past few years it somehow all just felt too hard, I just couldn't face it. The thought of making something made me feel sick. Today though, I just had a real feeling that I had to make something. I've printed out a pattern and cut out the material, just have to put it together now and it felt good. It's funny how when your struggling the things you once loved and came as second nature become too hard and almost a burden. The fact that I was able to cut out the material gives me hope. Maybe the old me (or at least a new and improved version) isn't that far away after all?

Damian Rice is now on my playlist for work this week 😊.

Please don't change the way you write, I love it!

Do you get any time off when you go back to work or do you have to work every day for the month?

C.

[Catie 08]

Check out Vera Blue's version of heroes - love it!

[Richie01]

I love that you have been able to take that up again. Some people would look at that and say ok, cool your doing that again... I look at that and smile, i know how big a step that is. We lose the capacity to do those things, theres not even a reason that we could put to why most of the time, it just happens, not that we are bored or tired of doing whatever it is, more that we just can not physically or mentally do it any more. Its as if we have had an allergic reaction to it!!!!! You hear about depression etc making you lose interest in doing the things you love or enjoy. This is not that, this is every part of you not wanting to do it. For you to take that step yesterday, what can I say but wow, hearing that is just amazing. The new and improved version is what we are both going for. The old version is still us, its everything we are, we just never had the time to take care of ourselves. Thats all the new version is, the old us allowing us loving ourselves in every way🥰

Be proud of what you did yesterday C, I am 😊

Damien Rice again today for me. Amie. you read into a song what you will, i hear this song and i see the story of the future me talking to my younger and inner self, being there for the person no one else was there for. Love it.

I do the 28 days straight. 14hr days a day and then the extra stuff from back at camp. I guess theres really no time for the past to take hold here. The more i actually think about who i have become, the more i realise that ive been scared to go home, not because of anything there, i loved so much what home was, what my family meant to me. I was scared knowing that i wouldnt be able to cope with me, I got used to the panic attacks on the drive home that by the end, i just accepted them and let myself be defeated before i ever got there and although being home was all i wanted while i was at work, gradually going back to work was what i started to look forward to once there. Ive always felt so much shame about me, what ive lost now brings a shame that has eclipsed all others. There were other reasons but in true fashion, i blame myself, no one else...

literally just opened an email confirming 3 weeks on/off starting this hitch so thats a bit better especially with therapy and the kids 🙂

How has your day been? Hope you have been taking it easy on yourself and god C, put that pattern together and cherish what you have made because its not just something you made, its another piece of the puzzle and its beautiful.

[Richie01]

God i love acoustic covers. Im sure ive mentioned that. This is definitely another one on the list.

Chris Cornell does a cover of nothing compares to you, its amazing. Im sure ive probably mentioned that too lol.

[May Tee Tee]

Nothing centers my anxiety more than a car drive listening to CLASICAL MUSIC

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

I enjoy your mentioned bands too.🤗

[Catie 08]

Thanks Richie, i knew you'd understand what a big deal it is 😊.

They are huge days! At least the new arrangement will mean more regular visits with the kids and should be better for therapy.

I get what you mean about the panic attacks that have you completely defeated before you get to your destination. Those long trips between work and home must be tough. When you know what your mind does the whole time before you even start the trip - im exhausted just thinking about it. Perhaps it would be worthwhile speaking to your therapist at your next visit to try and give you some tools to help reduce them? No-one deserves to be tortured like that.

Chris Cornell is now on my playlist for work tomorrow 😊 thanks for the tip.

Had a good day today. I actually caught myself smiling for no good reason today, I hope it lasts.

🦆🦆🦆🦆

C.

[Richie01]

Hey c,

Its a massive deal! It’s funny how there is no Questioning that we understand each other. Can’t say I’ve ever been able to feel I don’t have to explain myself. It’s nice 🙂 and for someone to understand how exhausting this is for us, like really get how much this takes out of us, well I’ll just say its probably the first time I’ve felt ok about it, not guilty. I’m guessing you feel sort of the same way.

I have spoken with my therapist briefly about it, along with everything else, there is a mountain to plough through. But this for the first time doesn’t seem as insurmountable as it always has been. We do truely find ourselves through our losses and in that case, I should be a bloody beacon in the dark lol.
I’m happy you were smiling today, I know how hard a smile can be some times but when they come, they make us know that we will be ok. I smiled too, it actually warmed my heart a little hearing about you being able to sew again. It’s amazing how something so simple can mean so much.
Have a good day tomorrow, keep doing the things that make you smile and If ever you feel like the clouds are gathering, that a storm is beginning to set in, read our first posts, then read the ones like this. They may not make the clouds disappear but they Can definitely allow the light to begin to shine through.
Always here for you C and proud of you every day. One day at a time, one chat after another😊

[Catie 08]

So I just had therapy...
We did some exposure stuff and whilst I understand the idea is to go over it so much that it looses it's power, I couldn't do it.
I went over the very first instance of abuse and when he asked me to go over it again, I couldn't. It's totally weird. Its like i just locked down. It's not the first time I've told him about it but I just somehow found going over it for a second time today wasn't possible.
It surprised me as much as it did him. I guess 30 odd years of locking it all away now makes it hard to feel ok about recalling it. It's just weird that I could tell him once but couldn't face saying it all again when I knew he already knew it all - the mind does some crazy shit sometimes🤷‍♀️
I'm not sure how I'm going to progress if this is my reaction. I guess time will tell.
Oh, i finished sewing my top. Pretty please with it but i feel that I can pack the sewing machine away again for a bit. Baby steps 😊
C.

[Richie01]

Hey C,

Its not something that comes easily, 30 years has trained us to hold it in, not to talk freely about it. I know exactly what you described, I have spoken about it in detail with very few people but avoid it with the same people later on. I think its all about where we are in our minds at the time. Its not something minor that can just be shared. Exposure therapy or by our own choice outside of therapy, it doesnt make the hold this has had and continues to have on us any easier. Dont be disheartened, its not a set back, its just part of this and the most important thing right now if that you are in a good place within yourself. I know thats easy to say but dont feel alone and please dont feel like you have failed. Your not alone in this and you have not failed a single thing in the time i have known you. If your anything like me (which lets face it, we have well and truly established) you walk a fine line between it being something that controlled you and it being something that controls you. Sounds almost like the same thing but its a million miles apart really. We keep this close, forcing this isnt normal to us, talking about this isnt us. We are slowly learning a new way to cope with this at this stage in our lives, we have to slowly learn to let go of how we have taught ourselves to cope beforehand. We found without help how to survive, we didnt have the luxury of knowledge or the ability to seek help from those who did. We walked alone and didnt always find the ''positive coping mechanisms'', rather we found whatever we could that worked and thats been us ever since.

It will take time C, im not saying i can make it easier but i will be here as long as you feel it helpful and i promise that. The honest truth is that we are 1600 miles apart and have never met but its something important to me for every reason that feels right. For nearly thirty years, someone to openly talk about this with was something that was missing. Someone who knew what we couldnt show or explain and didnt have to because they just knew and it didnt change how they saw us. I guess i know what that means to me and i want that for you 🙂.

Are you ok after todays therapy? I know how confronting and confusing this would all be for you. God knows it is for me!!! Im glad you finished your top and you can now *choose to* put the sewing machine away 😊

ben folds today. Still fighting it. makes me look to the future, a better and wiser me.

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,
Today I would have loved to have just given you a call (bloody rules). I reckon I checked in 30 times today to see if you were about - now I just sound like a creepy person 🤦‍♀️,I didn't realise how much I've come to rely on this. Like you said, I know that you get it, I don't have to go into detail and yet you still get it.
Therapy didn't go great, it surprised me more than anything that I could react like that. Im pretty exhaused but at least im not beating myself up this time. Even going over it once is progress, I guess I'm just a bit concerned how I'm going to progress if this keeps happening.

Nothing left to say on repeat today - I love how merky and moody it is.

C.